Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

gone

I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

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A reflection of 2015

Its been quite a while since I’ve posted here.  I do miss my more frequent writings as they were a great way to self-reflect on things.

However, my life has been go…go…go for months now. Work has gotten busier with wonderful projects, school has been a challenge and amazing, my love life has been full with my wonderful daddy and with my delightful boyfriend. My kids are growing up so fast and creating lives of their own, its been so wonderful to watch and bittersweet too.

Last weekend I was away with some classmates and chatting about my work and kids and the two amazing men in my life and suddenly I sat back and realized just how interesting my life is. How I’ve had such wonderful experiences that have helped me grow as a person.

This past week, I’ve had various holiday parties and was chatting about my graduate work and program with some colleagues and I realized how much I’ve grown in confidence through this experience. I’ve had the skills, this just gave me the confidence and some new tools to do what I’ve always done even better.

Daddy and I are talking about moving in together and making plans for our future. Its such an exciting time.  We still have a few bumps in the road to get through but we are doing them together. That is a great feeling.

M and I are facing some bumps together too.  Isn’t that always the case in poly relationships, but he and I are solid and we are enjoying each other and where our relationship has grown.  We always talk about things we would like to do together. Who knows if they will happen, but it is fantastic that we can share ideas and see that connection being there.

Some friendships have changed over the year, some grown stronger, some moving away, others have faded, but all those around me care for me and are cared for in return.

As for me, I don’t know what will happen when…. that is a challenge for this little planner. However, my life is so rich and full that I know I am on the right path with the right people.

2015 has been a very good year to me. 2016 is looking to be even better.

Cheers

 

 

 

Self Reflection and Being Grateful

reflection

I’m a Little….. what does that mean?  This was the start of several months of deep reflection and a deeper look into myself.  This has led to a much more balanced and happier me.

When I first had the little thoughts, I truly thought I was crazy. Not me!  I couldn’t be a little, I’m so in control, focused and always by the book.  How on earth am I a little.  Well the truth was, I hid my little deep inside. I prevented her from coming out and I kept walls up around me so that no one could see that childlike vulnerability.

But oh did she ever come out in ways that I never understood.  I’ve had friendships and relationships that had ups and downs (normal right!)…. well some of them cared enough to tell me that what I thought and felt wasn’t always how I portrayed myself to the outside world. That only a few really were given the vantage of knowing my heart and thoughts.   So I always believed that it was my walls that were there to protect me from being hurt or walked all over. When the reality was, those things still happened.

What I learned in my little coming out, is that my emotional reactions to situations were my little’s reactions and because I denied her, I didn’t see them as others saw them. I was blinded by my walls.  My reactions were very much childish and sometimes selfish but more often than not, my reactions led to an unhappiness that was my own doing. I took everything personally and I defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary.  My emotional behavior was very childlike because it was the only way I apparently ever let my little out.  When I was sad or hurt.

Now seeing this in myself and knowing where it comes from, can I truly grow.  I’m not there yet as this is only the beginning, but with Daddy’s guidance and encouragement I’m stronger than my little feels and being vulnerable is far more ok than my exterior adult understands.

Yes, I said Daddy…. my little is very much happy with the term given to my cherished Sir and my adult is trying to understand the why.  They are working together and that is where the balance comes in. My adult acknowledging my little and working to let them have their needs met is something I’m mindful of these days.

I’m grateful to those littles that I follow and those that read my blog for sharing their lives and helping me to see just how natural it really is to be a little. I’m grateful to those that tried to help me see in past relationships because you set the foundation for me to understand at some point. I’m grateful to my friends and loved ones that accept me for who I am and don’t find my little to be a fault. And I’m grateful to Daddy for guiding me out and teaching my adult how to play nice.

I’m definitely a happier me these days.

A Post from my Sir…

Our Contract

I’ve been asked to share the agreement/ contract that D and I signed utilizing wonderful contracts written by others and adding in our own pieces of the puzzle.

Dominant and submissive Agreement

Created on August 16, 2014

This document serves as an agreement which defines in specific terms the power exchange relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the submissive and the Dominant. This agreement is only binding between the two people signed below. This agreement is entered voluntarily with both parties agreeing to the conditions.

This agreement is intended to guide the two individuals on their journey together, and while the primary intention is to please the Dominant, it is also intended to shape the submissive into a better, happier, and stronger woman, and to help the couple grow together spiritually, lovingly, mentally, and physically. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of the relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consent. Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of 6 months. At its expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

  Section I: The Dominant’s role

a)      The Dominant agrees to care for the submissive to include tending to the physical safety and emotional and mental well-being of the submissive as long as He owns the submissive.

b)      The Dominant also accepts the commitment to treat the submissive properly, to train and discipline the submissive, punish the submissive, love the submissive, and use the submissive as He sees fit.

c)      The Dominant accepts the responsibility to use His power to mold and shape the submissive, assist the submissive to grow in strength, character, confidence and being, and to help her become a better woman in all areas of her life.

d)     The Dominant will not ever purposefully ignore the submissive.

e)      It shall be the Dominant’s duty, with applicable assistance from the submissive, to watch for and prevent any mental or emotional trauma which may stem from the condition of servitude, activities within the condition of service, or any other variable that is based within the confines of this contract.

f)       The Dominant will be faithful to the submissive, and will be honest and loyal to her at all times.

g)      The Dominant will always be open to the submissive’s concerns and thoughts, worries and stresses, and will encourage her to always open up and express her feelings and concerns to Him without fear of punishment.

h)   The Dominant agrees to not submit the submissive to a session when he might not be in the proper frame of mind to administer it.

i)     The Dominant will always support the submissive through encouragement in her relationships with family and friends as well as through her career.

j)      The Dominant will not keep the submissive or their relationship isolated from other aspects of his daily life.

 Section II: The submissive’s role

a)      The primary purpose of the submissive is to serve, obey, and please the Dominant, in a manner seem fit by the Dominant.

b)      The submissive will put her entire trust into the Dominant with the knowledge that He will never betray that trust.

c)      The submissive shall follow rules, rituals and guidelines as established by the Dominant, with the understanding that breaking a rule, ritual or guideline will lead to some form of punishment as dictated by the Dominant.

d)     The submissive agrees to follow the direction and commands from the Dominant both in and out of the bedroom.

e)      The submissive will always respond to the sexual needs of the Dominant at any time in any manner that he sees fit, unless responding to His needs violates any other aspect of this contract. This includes engaging in sexual activities with the Dominant that might be outside of her comfort zone but she will do them as they please him.

f)       The submissive will be faithful to the Dominant and will be honest and loyal to him at all times.

g)      The submissive will at all times act in a manner that is respectful of the Dominant, to include manners of speech, promptness, proper answers, obedience, loyalty, and honesty, with the understanding between both of them that the submissive shall not have to necessarily alter her personality.

h)      The submissive will take proper care of her body in a manner that is pleasing to the Dominant and with guidance from him if necessary.

i)        If the situation feels warranted by the Dominant, the Dominant may demand the submissive make other adjustments to lifestyle.

j)        When not in His presence, the submissive will maintain regular contact with the Dominant, to include informing Him of her schedule and activities. Regular contact is to include phone calls, text messages, or emails. The submissive will do everything in her capacity to respond promptly to all communications from the Dominant, and must never make the Dominant feel ignored by her.

k)    The submissive will not keep the Dominant or their relationship isolated from other aspects of her daily life.

l)        His reliance on safewords obligates me to use them and I Promise to do so. I will use “yellow” as a warning word to request that the Dominant slow down, ease up, or change direction while continuing the session. I will use “red” to immediately end a scene or session

m)    Additionally, the submissive agrees to the following:

a.       To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with her capability to serve the Dominant and limit her growth as his submissive

b.      To reveal her thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment

c.       To inform the Dominant of her wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied

d.      To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals

e.       To work with the Dominant to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual

f.       To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims

 Section III: Other Partners

The Dominant understands that the submissive entered the relationship with a Polyamorous tendency.  The submissive agrees to discuss any potential partner with the Dominant and develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

The Dominant expresses desire and interest in the submissive having other intimate partners. The Dominant agrees that any intimate partner of his choosing must agree to all hard limits and treat submissive with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship. The submissive agrees that any intimate partner of her choosing will treat her with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship and accepting of the boundaries established by the Dominant.

The Dominant agrees that any partner for himself will be discussed in advance with the submissive and will develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

 Section IV:  Limits

The Dominant and submissive have discussed and provided one another a listing of hard limits.  It is agreed upon that these limits include no permanent marks or piercings, no permanent bodily harm, no illegal activities or any play involving children or animals, no play involving blood, scat or direct fire.

 Section V:  Punishments

The submissive and the Dominant agree that appropriate punishments are necessary for the growth of the submissive. Punishments are dependent on the severity of the infraction. Punishments will be used to change the behavior and remind the submissive of this agreement.

Dominant will inform submissive that she is being punished when punishment occurs. He will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. The Dominant agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the submissive, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

 Section VI: Alteration of contract

This contract may not be altered, except when both Dominant and submissive jointly agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.

 Section VII: Termination of Contract

Should either Dominant or submissive find that their aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement.

We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and/or lovers. Should the relationship as lovers and/or friends terminate, this agreement becomes null and void.

Upon cancellation, each agree to offer the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

 Section VIII: submissive’s signature

With a free mind and open heart; do request of Dominant that he accept the submission of my will unto him and take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and in no way diminish my own responsibilities toward making use of my potential.

Signature____________________________________________  Date_______

 Section IX: Dominant’s signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall command her, train her, love her, and punish her as a submissive. I shall always treat her with respect. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the submissive as long as she is mine.

Signature____________________________________________  Date________

 

GOALS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.    To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.    To continue working on her patience.

 

GOALS FOR THE DOMINANT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.         To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.         To be more available in order to grow and strengthen the relationship

 

Signed in Ink

contract

 

Without fanfare the contract has been signed.  We spent time reading over it, and a planned discussion kept being postponed. This past weekend we sat down asked each other if there was anything they wanted to change, add or delete.  Hearing none, it was done.  We signed each other’s copies.  Then we kissed.  It was as simple as that.

In spite of the lack of ceremony around it, I have to say that in my pulling this contract together, it is a testament to how much we have discussed what is important to each of us.  I was able to add what I’ve heard were his important points and I could add my own. There were no surprises.  Clearly our communication is working.  (happy little things).

In putting together this particular contract, I did consider many things as I talked about in Writing the Contract however, I wanted the right words, and I wanted to use a format that made sense.  So I took a look at what I could find in the blogs here and by searching on Google.  I found three or four that various points hit home with me and that’s what I used to shape the contract for D and i.  After putting in those points, I went through to edit them to be true to us.  I went through a second time to add in our specifics based on our communications.  I went through a third time to edit the format. 

In one example I had looked at they created goals for the term of the contract.  I loved this idea and incorporated it post signature as the goals are not part of the definition of our dynamic, more they give us a starting point.  I put things for him that I know he wishes to accomplish and that I wish for him to focus on.  He did the same for me. 

So while no fanfare, no cheering, no ribbon cutting ceremonies.  D and i have a wonderful Dominance/submissive contract to start us off.  This one is termed at 6 months because we are still new to each other and I felt in 6 mos. we may want to make adjustments to it.  This forces us to face things at that time. 

Happy Dom, happy sub.

 

Writing the Contract

contract

A Dominant / submissive contract is a task in reflection, intention, motivation and emotion.  It’s a chance for growth.

Before you even begin to write a D/s or M/s contract there are some things that you need to reflect upon. These are a few that I spent time on as I’ve been tasked with writing an agreement for D and I. Of course both of us had to do these things and discuss them before anything went down on paper.

You reflect back on past relationships, what worked, what didn’t.

You reflect on how you’ve grown as a person.

You reflect on what you need now.

You reflect on what you need from your partner.

What are your intentions in creating a contract? Is it a contract or an agreement? What is the term or length intended?  There are many questions that you have to ask yourselves.

What are your roles and responsibilities to each other and relationship overall?

What are your limits?

How will you treat amending or terminating the agreement?

How detailed do you want it to be?  Rules, rituals, guidelines spelled out or noted in general terms?

Expectations regarding other partner?

How are punishments acknowledged and handled?

To engage in the D/s or M/s lifestyle requires a level of motivation. There are needs, wants and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive.  What are yours?  What are your must haves?

Some things I needed to include for myself involved ensuring that the language used expressed that there is a full relationship here, not just for scenes/play.  Love, cherishing and respect were large factors in my motivation as his submissive. Language of inclusion in each other’s daily lives was a motivator (not because we aren’t doing that, but to ensure it remains a part of our dynamic). I also wanted to ensure that my relationships with family, friends and my career were considerations so that I do not lose myself in our relationship (not for him, but for myself).  For him, my obedience in and out of the bedroom is ensured for our power exchange dynamic to work. He wanted to ensure I’d safeword if necessary. He also has identified walls that he is carefully dismantling and so language on my agreement to overcome some of these obstacles is written in.  We even included goals for one another for the duration of the agreement.

This task is overall an emotional one.  You dig deep into your past, present and hopes for your future together. For me, there were emotional things from my past that I wanted to ensure would not be present in our future.  Challenges in our present that we don’t want to negatively effect us. For me, the emotions I’m feeling are of joy, pleasure and hope. There is nervousness for the intentions we’ve voiced to be put out there in black and white, signed in ink.  But, note the emotions are positive ones.  If there was any negativity, hesitation or fears, this would not be signed. We’d have to address those concerns and alter the contract until the emotions are all positive.

So this weekend, D and I will sit down and review this together. We will go section by section and ensure our joint agreement. We will adjust as needed (likely minimal as this was previewed individually before editing). We know its content.  We will add to our goals for the duration of our agreement (6 months for this first contract). And our intention is to sign it and to begin this next phase of our relationship.

For some, their contracts will include language that the Dominant will provide a token of his ownership over the submissive, such as a collar.  While D and I have discussed collaring (don’t know if he has that planned for this weekend or not), but I didn’t want that included.  I personally felt the collaring is a separate event and it being a material item that I didn’t feel should be a motivator for the relationship.  JMHO.

Stay tuned….

 

 

Note to self…

note to selfHave you written a note to yourself yet?

I have never done this but boy I wish I had many times.  I could have used it when my self-confidence was lacking, when I couldn’t believe in the words from others, when I loathed myself. Today, I learned I’ve hit a milestone in my own self confidence. 

My former dom, has been in touch with me again. He has been reminding me that he created me and thus has a connection that will remain.  That’s fine, because he was my first Dom, there is a connection that just can’t be broken. He unlocked my soul, but did not create it.  Semantics? Maybe… but there is truth in unlocking.

He wanted to see where I was in my growth and acceptance of myself. In re-reading my responses to him I caught words like, I’ve evolved, this is working for me, allowing, embracing, positive, valued, worthy, happy, playful, confident, partnerships, communication, wonderful, admitting to myself, no longer ashamed, environment to just be me and I’m present.

I also listed all the things I’m doing personally and professionally, serving on a Board, volunteering and hosting events, loving my work, eating better, exercising and enjoying life. 

No more sad doormat here.  I’m happy and I’m present.  I’ve regained my self-confidence back and I like who I am. I like my relationships and I’m surrounding myself with positive influences. 

My hope is for anyone, who is down on themselves…. that you write yourself a note and remind yourself the things you need to hear.

I’m not always confident…. moments of insecurities. But knowing that I have this confidence in me to say those things to my former, means its there and I just have to start wearing it. 

confidence

Simply Complicated

complicated

Oh how complicated simple things can become.  More like how complicated we make things out to be.  I try so hard to keep a simple existence but my life is complicated by nature.  Add in emotions and I’m a complicated web of crazy.  This weekend was a testament to that.

I had big hopes and dreams for a quiet and wonderful weekend, relaxing, spending time with J and D, no kids and then seeing some friends as well.  A weekend of enjoyment.  After all it is the only weekend this month that D and I do not have something major going on that will severely limit our time to be together.  And I haven’t seen J for a month… I thought I had conveyed how important this weekend was to me and my concerns how tough this month was going to be.  I thought I was clear.  Apparently not.

I slept most of Friday given some crazy in the neighborhood late at night that kept me awake, but then I enjoyed a quiet lunch with mom and learning my arrangements for Saturday were all in the air.  Spending time fixing everything, having to take my little sis, from another mother to the airport and then having 4 teenage boys overnight kept the energy ebbing and flowing.  So Saturday rolls around and I had a short meeting to be followed by some time with J before D came over. I was happy and so looking forward to it all.  I was like a kid in a toy store.

J got tied up and couldn’t make it.  I was disappointed but happy that I was still going to have a wonderful night with D and wasn’t going to get too bent out of shape.  Hoping he could stay overnight.  But understood that might not happen. Since I now had extra time before D got there, I decided to cook us dinner. I love to cook and was thrilled to cook for him the first time.  Then we had such wonderful scene time.  We tried some new things that worked really well and it left me spent.  Curled up in his arms, I was so relaxed that I fell asleep.  (I’ve not been able to do this before.)  It was so amazingly wonderful.  Then he shifted and said the words that shot me awake and left me poised to fight.  He said he had to go home.   It was only 9 pm.  I was hurt, angry and terribly out of sorts.  I felt cheap and used (not in the good way). I tried hard to control my outward reaction and get my wits together before answering him.  I rolled away to pull it together and figure out my words. He got up and dressed.  I didn’t want to hurt him but didn’t understand either.  I needed that night with him, even if he couldn’t stay over, but did he have to leave so early?  He didn’t arrive until 5.   We hadn’t even had time to talk or be silly.  Just eat and intense scene then wonderful cuddles after.  It was selfish of him to leave like that.  It was selfish of me to need more.

As I spoke I kept as much calm in my voice as I could and tried to explain that the night was so wonderful and I enjoyed every minute but I didn’t understand why he had to rush off so early.  He said I ruined the night so I reminded him all I had to do to give us the private time and now he was leaving me home all alone.  I had thought we might go see a local band play but had been happy to be in his arms instead.  He was mad, wouldn’t look at me.  And it broke my heart.  I wanted to make it better, to take his hurt away.   I started to cry and felt awful.  I told him how much stress this month was putting on me and how tonight was our only time, its why I worked so hard to give us this one night. I reminded him how much I needed him, how not seeing him all week made me miss him that much more.  And how with him away next weekend, I’m already missing him.  It sucked.

He held me and soothed away the tears.  He calmly explained that he only had 5 hours to give me since he was so busy with packing and the changes happening in his life.  He said that he didn’t understand how important that night was to me as he didn’t catch the depth of my concerns for this month.  He reassured me he wasn’t mad at me (which I thought he was) that he was upset with the situation. He explained that the changes of the next few weeks would give us more time together and to keep focusing on that.  He is right.  I know this.  My mind just refuses to be reassured whereas my heart gets it.  He added that for the time being he would be mindful to let me know his max. time availability while we get through this busy month.  That simple thing made sense.  Yes if I was prepared for it to be a short night I would have been able to handle it.

We talked a little bit more and I got dressed to walk him out.   I didn’t want to let him go. I needed to feel his touch.  But I had to.  It was sad, felt like a piece of me left with him.   Instead of going inside and being miserable all night (I’m a night owl so sleep would not come for hours), I went over to my mom’s to see my visiting relatives.  It helped ease the emptiness that I felt, the loss.  But as soon as I got home and curled up in bed, I could smell him.  I surrounded myself with pillows so I could sleep.  We texted a bit as  he arrived home and then I drifted off.

Unfortunately my mind would not leave me be and I had to analyze why my reactions were so strong, so intense.  I missed him as if I wouldn’t see him again.  I realized my feelings and my submission are growing very deep for him and how at peace I really am when with him.  When he leaves, I have to prepare myself to deal with the big bad world alone again.  That’s hard to do. Even tougher when we only see each other once a week (for now).   So when he leaves, I want more time, I need more time.  I don’t want to have to be strong and face things alone.  I need to be protected, cherished and safe.

It took me most of Sunday to realize that and we had a great discussion about it.  He understood all along what was behind it, even when I didn’t.  He knew that I’d figure it out and realize that he is only a text away and while his arms aren’t there to cuddle me, his spirit is.  And I know the complications of this month is to move him a little closer to me and work which will free up more time for us to see each other even during the week.  Weekends will be more open when his daughter leaves for college and his major work renovation project wraps up at the end of August.

He says to “have patience my pet”…
oh to be that simple…

But it is…

 

 

Who is my little…

girl peekingFinding out that I have a “little” inside me that is peeking her head out has had me deeply reflecting on what she needs.

I suspect she might be between 8 and 12.  I think I know some of her fears, which center on not being good enough – smart enough, pretty enough…  She wants to be loved, guided, cherished and respected.  She is a mini-adult, wanting to grow up but not knowing how.  She makes mistakes and is embarrassed by them, wants people to like her and want her around. She wants to have fun and have lots of friends. She wants to fit in. She wants to be silly and carefree. She wants to sing, dance and be seen.

Ah but the adult that she hides inside is shy and protective. I am focused and hardworking. I try too hard and put on a brave and strong facade to hide the little girl.  I like to stand out professionally but also fade into the background personally.  Except when with people I trust and know they care for me, they want me around.  Then I ease up and can be more silly and carefree.  I embarrass easily and take things more personally than I want to.  These are my walls. They are oddly formed and a mesh of materials.  They don’t look good together.

brick wallsI read about littles and it is heartwarming about how daddies help them and nuture them. Its adorable that littles like to color and play and snuggle with stuffed animals.  In many ways, I wish my little were that young. Instead she is on the horizon of adolescence.  A tougher time to just be.

My little doesn’t want a daddy.  She wants to grow up but safely and soundly. She wants guidance and taught how to be a confident little girl.  She wants to enjoy life and have fun doing what makes sense for her. Does this make sense? Does that resonate with anyone else?

The one thing I’ve noticed is that security, discipline, love, nurturing, attention and being wanted are key elements by all of us.