Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

gone

I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

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A reflection of 2015

Its been quite a while since I’ve posted here.  I do miss my more frequent writings as they were a great way to self-reflect on things.

However, my life has been go…go…go for months now. Work has gotten busier with wonderful projects, school has been a challenge and amazing, my love life has been full with my wonderful daddy and with my delightful boyfriend. My kids are growing up so fast and creating lives of their own, its been so wonderful to watch and bittersweet too.

Last weekend I was away with some classmates and chatting about my work and kids and the two amazing men in my life and suddenly I sat back and realized just how interesting my life is. How I’ve had such wonderful experiences that have helped me grow as a person.

This past week, I’ve had various holiday parties and was chatting about my graduate work and program with some colleagues and I realized how much I’ve grown in confidence through this experience. I’ve had the skills, this just gave me the confidence and some new tools to do what I’ve always done even better.

Daddy and I are talking about moving in together and making plans for our future. Its such an exciting time.  We still have a few bumps in the road to get through but we are doing them together. That is a great feeling.

M and I are facing some bumps together too.  Isn’t that always the case in poly relationships, but he and I are solid and we are enjoying each other and where our relationship has grown.  We always talk about things we would like to do together. Who knows if they will happen, but it is fantastic that we can share ideas and see that connection being there.

Some friendships have changed over the year, some grown stronger, some moving away, others have faded, but all those around me care for me and are cared for in return.

As for me, I don’t know what will happen when…. that is a challenge for this little planner. However, my life is so rich and full that I know I am on the right path with the right people.

2015 has been a very good year to me. 2016 is looking to be even better.

Cheers

 

 

 

A Post from my Sir…

His Little One

little oneWords have so big an impact and these two little words have had a huge one on me.

Years ago, someone who meant the world to me called me them and I always felt the warmth of them. However, it was a moniker because I was short. (yeah it was funny). Then one day he stopped using the term and I didn’t feel its loss.  Over time, I heard many other subs being called Little One and it seemed with such love a care. It always brought a smile to my face.

Now I am Little One again and it means so much more to me to hear it.  It reaches into my soul and lights that spark that keeps me warm and alive. It provides me comfort when I’m sad or exhausted. It reminds me how much D loves me and cares for me. It reminds me that he found my Little and that he intends to cherish her needs too. It reminds me that I need to accept her and let her have fun. And it reminds me of how protected my Little really is, with me and D and with our friends and those we care about.

Waking up to good morning my little one, or goodnight little one, is such a wonderful simple thing that reminds me of all that I have to be grateful for.

Our Contract

I’ve been asked to share the agreement/ contract that D and I signed utilizing wonderful contracts written by others and adding in our own pieces of the puzzle.

Dominant and submissive Agreement

Created on August 16, 2014

This document serves as an agreement which defines in specific terms the power exchange relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the submissive and the Dominant. This agreement is only binding between the two people signed below. This agreement is entered voluntarily with both parties agreeing to the conditions.

This agreement is intended to guide the two individuals on their journey together, and while the primary intention is to please the Dominant, it is also intended to shape the submissive into a better, happier, and stronger woman, and to help the couple grow together spiritually, lovingly, mentally, and physically. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of the relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consent. Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of 6 months. At its expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

  Section I: The Dominant’s role

a)      The Dominant agrees to care for the submissive to include tending to the physical safety and emotional and mental well-being of the submissive as long as He owns the submissive.

b)      The Dominant also accepts the commitment to treat the submissive properly, to train and discipline the submissive, punish the submissive, love the submissive, and use the submissive as He sees fit.

c)      The Dominant accepts the responsibility to use His power to mold and shape the submissive, assist the submissive to grow in strength, character, confidence and being, and to help her become a better woman in all areas of her life.

d)     The Dominant will not ever purposefully ignore the submissive.

e)      It shall be the Dominant’s duty, with applicable assistance from the submissive, to watch for and prevent any mental or emotional trauma which may stem from the condition of servitude, activities within the condition of service, or any other variable that is based within the confines of this contract.

f)       The Dominant will be faithful to the submissive, and will be honest and loyal to her at all times.

g)      The Dominant will always be open to the submissive’s concerns and thoughts, worries and stresses, and will encourage her to always open up and express her feelings and concerns to Him without fear of punishment.

h)   The Dominant agrees to not submit the submissive to a session when he might not be in the proper frame of mind to administer it.

i)     The Dominant will always support the submissive through encouragement in her relationships with family and friends as well as through her career.

j)      The Dominant will not keep the submissive or their relationship isolated from other aspects of his daily life.

 Section II: The submissive’s role

a)      The primary purpose of the submissive is to serve, obey, and please the Dominant, in a manner seem fit by the Dominant.

b)      The submissive will put her entire trust into the Dominant with the knowledge that He will never betray that trust.

c)      The submissive shall follow rules, rituals and guidelines as established by the Dominant, with the understanding that breaking a rule, ritual or guideline will lead to some form of punishment as dictated by the Dominant.

d)     The submissive agrees to follow the direction and commands from the Dominant both in and out of the bedroom.

e)      The submissive will always respond to the sexual needs of the Dominant at any time in any manner that he sees fit, unless responding to His needs violates any other aspect of this contract. This includes engaging in sexual activities with the Dominant that might be outside of her comfort zone but she will do them as they please him.

f)       The submissive will be faithful to the Dominant and will be honest and loyal to him at all times.

g)      The submissive will at all times act in a manner that is respectful of the Dominant, to include manners of speech, promptness, proper answers, obedience, loyalty, and honesty, with the understanding between both of them that the submissive shall not have to necessarily alter her personality.

h)      The submissive will take proper care of her body in a manner that is pleasing to the Dominant and with guidance from him if necessary.

i)        If the situation feels warranted by the Dominant, the Dominant may demand the submissive make other adjustments to lifestyle.

j)        When not in His presence, the submissive will maintain regular contact with the Dominant, to include informing Him of her schedule and activities. Regular contact is to include phone calls, text messages, or emails. The submissive will do everything in her capacity to respond promptly to all communications from the Dominant, and must never make the Dominant feel ignored by her.

k)    The submissive will not keep the Dominant or their relationship isolated from other aspects of her daily life.

l)        His reliance on safewords obligates me to use them and I Promise to do so. I will use “yellow” as a warning word to request that the Dominant slow down, ease up, or change direction while continuing the session. I will use “red” to immediately end a scene or session

m)    Additionally, the submissive agrees to the following:

a.       To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with her capability to serve the Dominant and limit her growth as his submissive

b.      To reveal her thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment

c.       To inform the Dominant of her wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied

d.      To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals

e.       To work with the Dominant to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual

f.       To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims

 Section III: Other Partners

The Dominant understands that the submissive entered the relationship with a Polyamorous tendency.  The submissive agrees to discuss any potential partner with the Dominant and develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

The Dominant expresses desire and interest in the submissive having other intimate partners. The Dominant agrees that any intimate partner of his choosing must agree to all hard limits and treat submissive with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship. The submissive agrees that any intimate partner of her choosing will treat her with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship and accepting of the boundaries established by the Dominant.

The Dominant agrees that any partner for himself will be discussed in advance with the submissive and will develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

 Section IV:  Limits

The Dominant and submissive have discussed and provided one another a listing of hard limits.  It is agreed upon that these limits include no permanent marks or piercings, no permanent bodily harm, no illegal activities or any play involving children or animals, no play involving blood, scat or direct fire.

 Section V:  Punishments

The submissive and the Dominant agree that appropriate punishments are necessary for the growth of the submissive. Punishments are dependent on the severity of the infraction. Punishments will be used to change the behavior and remind the submissive of this agreement.

Dominant will inform submissive that she is being punished when punishment occurs. He will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. The Dominant agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the submissive, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

 Section VI: Alteration of contract

This contract may not be altered, except when both Dominant and submissive jointly agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.

 Section VII: Termination of Contract

Should either Dominant or submissive find that their aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement.

We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and/or lovers. Should the relationship as lovers and/or friends terminate, this agreement becomes null and void.

Upon cancellation, each agree to offer the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

 Section VIII: submissive’s signature

With a free mind and open heart; do request of Dominant that he accept the submission of my will unto him and take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and in no way diminish my own responsibilities toward making use of my potential.

Signature____________________________________________  Date_______

 Section IX: Dominant’s signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall command her, train her, love her, and punish her as a submissive. I shall always treat her with respect. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the submissive as long as she is mine.

Signature____________________________________________  Date________

 

GOALS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.    To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.    To continue working on her patience.

 

GOALS FOR THE DOMINANT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.         To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.         To be more available in order to grow and strengthen the relationship

 

Check Mate

“I’m amused that he is training you in the “way” you want to be trained.” This is a message to me from my former Master about my current Dom.

My initial reaction was that yes he is, but that’s not why he is training me that way.  But I did have to give it some time to settle and evaluate in my mind.  I talked to a dear friend of mine about it who new former and myself together.  And she asked me a very worthwhile question.  Aren’t you supposed to find a Dom (or sub) that meshes with you?   Isn’t that what I “shopped” for?

The answer was a resoundingly clear, Yes!  I searched for two years to find someone that would understand me, push me, hold me accountable, get me better than I could know myself.  Someone that had a fun side to his sensual sadistic side. Someone that understood what D/s was to me and just how much BDSM was wanted.  Someone who wanted the same things in a relationship.

Today I mentioned the whole thing to D and I loved his response.  “Could it possibly be that the way you want trained matches the way I want to be served?”  (Yes! Yes! Yes! )

He went on to say ” he doesn’t understand that you and I match…that the things I want are in you and that your training further brings you to where I want you to be, and at the same time it is where YOU want to be.”

And this is exactly why I chose D from all those others that contacted me, met me and even went on a few dates.  He gets me, he knows me better than I know myself,  he understood me from the beginning.

So former may have wanted me to question things or create doubt, but all it did was confirm for me that I am with the right person now.  I’m thankful for the question and happy my initial response was so right on – logical and focused.  I’m even more grateful for D, who had the perfect response.  Check Mate.

 

 

First Fight

tearsI was sad this weekend because D couldn’t come over.  It sucked because I had cleared the day in advance for us to have the whole afternoon/evening together and the privacy needed for it to just be the two of us. We haven’t had this kind of time in a month and it was really needed.

I’d been stressed due to family stuff, I needed this time with him even if we did nothing but sit on the sofa and watch movies.  He hadn’t been feeling well from mid-week and then Saturday morning seemed to be doing fine.  He had gone back home after a few errands and decided to eat, shower and rest before coming over.  This meant late afternoon he’d arrive.  Well 5 minutes before he was to leave, he sent a text that he wasn’t feeling well again.  An hour later another text that he was angry that he felt fine all day until now.

He knew I cleared the day for him. He knew I was sitting home alone patiently waiting.  And now this….   I tried not to respond, but he asked how I was and the floodgates opened.  I was hurt, angry and felt like a fool.  I wasn’t on any level being logical, it was pure raw emotion.  I tried to explain it wasn’t a good time for me to explain because nothing made sense.  He pushed that button and it turned into a full on argument.

I was hurt that it felt like I wasn’t important enough to just drive the 45 minutes to relax with me, was angry that everything was left in the air all day and a last minute cancel and I felt like a fool for carving out all the time for him.  (No real logic in any of that)

I was sobbing and apologizing for my side profusely just hoping it would end.  I was already sad enough.  His being angry with me for pointing out how upset I was made him feel worse, made me feel even more upset.  I couldn’t understand how he didn’t want me to point out that his not coming down bothered me. He said that he never said he wasn’t coming, but he sure implied it.  I mentioned this and nothing was resolved.

After a lot of tears and his angry words, we finally dealt with the real issue which is I was extremely stressed out to begin with and that he should have let me have the space needed to get logic back in my mind before we had the conversation.  It still didn’t change that he didn’t come down, so I spent the day/evening alone on the sofa….. lonely and miserable.  I ended up with a full on migraine.

However, I need to realize that he already knew I was upset and that I don’t need to point it out specifically unless it is about something new.  Yes, his not being able to come down has happened before at the last minute (all good reasons) and he knows how it makes me feel.  He does apologize for it and does attempt to make it up to me.

While the weekend was a bust, having to get through this first fight (and via text no less) was one that any new relationship is put through the paces.  We survived our first fight with only some tears and a headache…  A hug would have been preferred but being reminded you are loved and we will work on our issues together was a good thing.

Brat Comes Out and forgetting a task…

I’m not normally a bratty sub.  I don’t tend to brat to get attention (not intentionally anyway). So its odd that I find that my brat is peeking out with my new Dom.

Why is that?   A few thoughts have come to mind…. but before I get to my reasons, I thought I’d ask all of you…. what brings out your brat (or your sub’s brat)?

My own analysis of this, is a combination of a few things….

  • I’m happy and more carefree than in previous relationships
  • I’m feeling secure in his interest in me
  • I’m comfortable being me….. playful, snarky, teasing, cheesy
  • I’m testing the waters a bit in getting to know him better (want to see his dark side)
  • I’m craving…..  rules, use, to show me who is in charge

Now keep in mind we’ve only been together two months and we’ve taken some things slow.  Mainly because I’ve never dated someone I didn’t know as a friend first, so this is new territory for me. We also live an hour away from each other.  And we’ve had other life things going on requiring our time/attention.  So while I have daily tasks and there is daily communication, there aren’t “rules” yet.

This week I did something I’ve never done before…. and it bothers me.   I forgot a task.  I could make excuses up, but that’s all they are.  The worst was the task is a fun one.  But I completely forgot about it until he asked how I was doing with it at the end of the day. Boy did I feel bad.  He keeps telling me its okay, he will make sure I don’t forget again.  He asked me what I thought a proper punishment should be.  I don’t know…. never been punished for forgetting a task, let alone a fun one. However, I do feel relieved that he will punish me after he returns home from his trip and we see each other next. I screwed up and I know the only way to feel better is to accept the consequences of my disobedience.

So again, I ask what causes your brat (or Your sub’s brat) to come out.  Is it intentional or not?  Also, have you (or Your sub) forgotten a task?  if so, what types of punishment was appropriately administered?  (of course if you are up for sharing).

 

Oh so much fun…..for the pleasure slave.

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I am a pleasure slave, one who takes pride in giving her Dom all that pleases him.  I’m learning my experiences have been limited.  Now I find I have my Owner and another who both serve as my Dom’s to guide my growth and my enjoyment of being a pleasure slave. I am one lucky girl.

One day my Dom says that I need to find a play partner, it can be male or female.  My personal preference is a man, but not just a vanilla man, a Dominant man.  I explain to my Dom just how hard that will be for me since I don’t like casual play situations and I have more of a poly heart and prefer to build relationships.  We agreed to think on things for a bit.  Meanwhile, someone who I had a brief tryst with a year ago resurfaces.  I really liked him then and was hurt when he disappeared.  After chatting and learning what was going on, we started talking about me. I told him I was dating a Dom and was happy.  He was happy for me and wished me luck.  And it struck me, could he be my play partner?

I mentioned it to him and he teased me a bit over a few days. In the meantime I mentioned it to my Dom.  And then I got really busy with work.  However, communication between me and my mysterious friend kept up and he was remembering our brief time together and I honestly was surprised he remembered so many details and seemed to really like that time with me.  Then he asked if I had talked to my Dom about him. And since I did….the conversation moved right toward him becoming my play partner.

So I put my Dom in touch with Mysterious friend and they conspired together.  So this is where it gets good….  two Dom’s both with a little sadistic streak  conspiring on ways to make little pleasure slave delight them.   And nope, they weren’t going to tell me what was in store.  (Huff!)

They agreed on boundaries and rules that my Dom wanted in place and they discuss any playtime before it happens.  They agree that they want me thoroughly used regularly.  (ok happy little slave here).

Two play sessions later, and I’m smitten.  Both give me such pleasure, over and over.  They take what they want and I’m so happy and content. But they make me work for that pleasure….. they tease and torment me.  They push my boundaries and conspire on new things for me to experience.  Bondage, elements of pain which leads to pleasure, humiliation and endurance.

Their goal is to break down my sexual walls so that I can fully embrace the pleasure slave that I am.  They tease and torment my embarrassment, yet tell me all the time, the things I’m really good at and strong in.  They say this all in a way that is encouraging and caring. They can be harsh in a session, but then they hold me and tell me what a good girl I was, how they are pleased.  When I don’t get why they want me to do something, they explain their thought process, or at least their motive.  It helps me to know I’m safe in their hands.

They do genuinely care for me, they have shown me so much pleasure in a few weeks time and they remind me just how much it pleases my Dom for me to obey and to submit fully to their knowledge of me.  They want what is best for me and yes that makes me one very lucky pleasure slave.

Thank you my kind caring Sir and my Mysterious friend.  You both are the best.

Dying Embers

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When I look at my past experiences, they’ve mainly been sexual but more importantly they’ve been psychological.  My submission has been based in being enslaved to him.  He would use some bondage from time to time, but his focus was on getting in my head. Mental bondage keeping me in my place both emotionally and physically.  I being the obedient little concubine, would not move if told to stay, would come when told and would obey even when pushed outside comfort zones.  I thought this was all part of my learning the lifestyle and growing from a newbie sub to a full deeply committed slave to my Master.  And it was….

But at some point during the ups and downs of our complicated relationship, it turned to a game for him.  He knew i was deeply loyal and devoted.  He knew I was obedient.  He knew I was scared, lonely and hopeful for our future together.  He took full advantage of the things he liked most about me and used them to exploit my weaknesses. Then used those weaknesses to keep me in line when our relationship unraveled. He won’t let me go.  He says goodbye and I start to pull away and he yanks me back.  And I let him.

I let him because I was scared.  Because loyalty and devotion mean something to me.  Its not a switch on or off. But the embers are dying.  They need to, I want them to and because I deserve the freedom.

He wreaks havoc on my emotional well being, he expertly uses my body. Like an ember floating in the night sky, he gets in my head and his words float all around.  My soul belonged to him.

My soul left his embrace many months ago…. my mind learned to hear him but block the embers from lighting a fire…. my body enjoys him but no longer needs him….. my emotions have just started to see the last of the embers dying out.

I have those that love me, here to protect me.  Those that have stood by me and helped me see the true picture and those new to my life who want to be with me and help me grow.  While there is still some fear, it is time….. it is time to let go of that security blanket that i’ve been embarassed by for a while now….. it is time to let the fire go out once and for all.  It is time to let those that do care about me, get the loyalty and devotion that they deserve.