Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

gone

I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

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A reflection of 2015

Its been quite a while since I’ve posted here.  I do miss my more frequent writings as they were a great way to self-reflect on things.

However, my life has been go…go…go for months now. Work has gotten busier with wonderful projects, school has been a challenge and amazing, my love life has been full with my wonderful daddy and with my delightful boyfriend. My kids are growing up so fast and creating lives of their own, its been so wonderful to watch and bittersweet too.

Last weekend I was away with some classmates and chatting about my work and kids and the two amazing men in my life and suddenly I sat back and realized just how interesting my life is. How I’ve had such wonderful experiences that have helped me grow as a person.

This past week, I’ve had various holiday parties and was chatting about my graduate work and program with some colleagues and I realized how much I’ve grown in confidence through this experience. I’ve had the skills, this just gave me the confidence and some new tools to do what I’ve always done even better.

Daddy and I are talking about moving in together and making plans for our future. Its such an exciting time.  We still have a few bumps in the road to get through but we are doing them together. That is a great feeling.

M and I are facing some bumps together too.  Isn’t that always the case in poly relationships, but he and I are solid and we are enjoying each other and where our relationship has grown.  We always talk about things we would like to do together. Who knows if they will happen, but it is fantastic that we can share ideas and see that connection being there.

Some friendships have changed over the year, some grown stronger, some moving away, others have faded, but all those around me care for me and are cared for in return.

As for me, I don’t know what will happen when…. that is a challenge for this little planner. However, my life is so rich and full that I know I am on the right path with the right people.

2015 has been a very good year to me. 2016 is looking to be even better.

Cheers

 

 

 

Bumps in the Road

Mt Everest Climb

Why does bumps in the road sometimes feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

When it comes to relationships, bumps in the road happen.  They are faced and dealt with and you get past them.  If you are smart enough to see that the road keeps going beyond the bump, that is.  I face most things this way, seeing past the bump and moving on while learning from it at the same time.

Recently, daddy and i had a bump in our road.  He understood that and he worked to get us past it and moving forward.  Ok, this bump was more like a hill or steep incline…. but nevertheless, I saw it as the tallest mountain to climb and no road beyond the top of it, so we would have to build from scratch.

As a little and a submissive with next to no patience, I didn’t like the mountain climb only to have to rebuild everything we spent a year building.  It seems unfair and I want the happy journey we were on to continue.  Waiting for Daddy to take the ropes and decide where to start.

What I didn’t see or conceptualize is that Daddy got us safely over the hill, no ropes needed and we could continue on our journey as the road was already built for us.  I only had to turn around to see it instead of looking off in the distance.

How many times have you thought things were worse than they were? How did you handle them? What prompted you to see what was in plain sight?

Thank you Daddy for helping me to see you had us through all of this and still do.

His Little One

little oneWords have so big an impact and these two little words have had a huge one on me.

Years ago, someone who meant the world to me called me them and I always felt the warmth of them. However, it was a moniker because I was short. (yeah it was funny). Then one day he stopped using the term and I didn’t feel its loss.  Over time, I heard many other subs being called Little One and it seemed with such love a care. It always brought a smile to my face.

Now I am Little One again and it means so much more to me to hear it.  It reaches into my soul and lights that spark that keeps me warm and alive. It provides me comfort when I’m sad or exhausted. It reminds me how much D loves me and cares for me. It reminds me that he found my Little and that he intends to cherish her needs too. It reminds me that I need to accept her and let her have fun. And it reminds me of how protected my Little really is, with me and D and with our friends and those we care about.

Waking up to good morning my little one, or goodnight little one, is such a wonderful simple thing that reminds me of all that I have to be grateful for.

Signed in Ink

contract

 

Without fanfare the contract has been signed.  We spent time reading over it, and a planned discussion kept being postponed. This past weekend we sat down asked each other if there was anything they wanted to change, add or delete.  Hearing none, it was done.  We signed each other’s copies.  Then we kissed.  It was as simple as that.

In spite of the lack of ceremony around it, I have to say that in my pulling this contract together, it is a testament to how much we have discussed what is important to each of us.  I was able to add what I’ve heard were his important points and I could add my own. There were no surprises.  Clearly our communication is working.  (happy little things).

In putting together this particular contract, I did consider many things as I talked about in Writing the Contract however, I wanted the right words, and I wanted to use a format that made sense.  So I took a look at what I could find in the blogs here and by searching on Google.  I found three or four that various points hit home with me and that’s what I used to shape the contract for D and i.  After putting in those points, I went through to edit them to be true to us.  I went through a second time to add in our specifics based on our communications.  I went through a third time to edit the format. 

In one example I had looked at they created goals for the term of the contract.  I loved this idea and incorporated it post signature as the goals are not part of the definition of our dynamic, more they give us a starting point.  I put things for him that I know he wishes to accomplish and that I wish for him to focus on.  He did the same for me. 

So while no fanfare, no cheering, no ribbon cutting ceremonies.  D and i have a wonderful Dominance/submissive contract to start us off.  This one is termed at 6 months because we are still new to each other and I felt in 6 mos. we may want to make adjustments to it.  This forces us to face things at that time. 

Happy Dom, happy sub.

 

Writing the Contract

contract

A Dominant / submissive contract is a task in reflection, intention, motivation and emotion.  It’s a chance for growth.

Before you even begin to write a D/s or M/s contract there are some things that you need to reflect upon. These are a few that I spent time on as I’ve been tasked with writing an agreement for D and I. Of course both of us had to do these things and discuss them before anything went down on paper.

You reflect back on past relationships, what worked, what didn’t.

You reflect on how you’ve grown as a person.

You reflect on what you need now.

You reflect on what you need from your partner.

What are your intentions in creating a contract? Is it a contract or an agreement? What is the term or length intended?  There are many questions that you have to ask yourselves.

What are your roles and responsibilities to each other and relationship overall?

What are your limits?

How will you treat amending or terminating the agreement?

How detailed do you want it to be?  Rules, rituals, guidelines spelled out or noted in general terms?

Expectations regarding other partner?

How are punishments acknowledged and handled?

To engage in the D/s or M/s lifestyle requires a level of motivation. There are needs, wants and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive.  What are yours?  What are your must haves?

Some things I needed to include for myself involved ensuring that the language used expressed that there is a full relationship here, not just for scenes/play.  Love, cherishing and respect were large factors in my motivation as his submissive. Language of inclusion in each other’s daily lives was a motivator (not because we aren’t doing that, but to ensure it remains a part of our dynamic). I also wanted to ensure that my relationships with family, friends and my career were considerations so that I do not lose myself in our relationship (not for him, but for myself).  For him, my obedience in and out of the bedroom is ensured for our power exchange dynamic to work. He wanted to ensure I’d safeword if necessary. He also has identified walls that he is carefully dismantling and so language on my agreement to overcome some of these obstacles is written in.  We even included goals for one another for the duration of the agreement.

This task is overall an emotional one.  You dig deep into your past, present and hopes for your future together. For me, there were emotional things from my past that I wanted to ensure would not be present in our future.  Challenges in our present that we don’t want to negatively effect us. For me, the emotions I’m feeling are of joy, pleasure and hope. There is nervousness for the intentions we’ve voiced to be put out there in black and white, signed in ink.  But, note the emotions are positive ones.  If there was any negativity, hesitation or fears, this would not be signed. We’d have to address those concerns and alter the contract until the emotions are all positive.

So this weekend, D and I will sit down and review this together. We will go section by section and ensure our joint agreement. We will adjust as needed (likely minimal as this was previewed individually before editing). We know its content.  We will add to our goals for the duration of our agreement (6 months for this first contract). And our intention is to sign it and to begin this next phase of our relationship.

For some, their contracts will include language that the Dominant will provide a token of his ownership over the submissive, such as a collar.  While D and I have discussed collaring (don’t know if he has that planned for this weekend or not), but I didn’t want that included.  I personally felt the collaring is a separate event and it being a material item that I didn’t feel should be a motivator for the relationship.  JMHO.

Stay tuned….

 

 

Note to self…

note to selfHave you written a note to yourself yet?

I have never done this but boy I wish I had many times.  I could have used it when my self-confidence was lacking, when I couldn’t believe in the words from others, when I loathed myself. Today, I learned I’ve hit a milestone in my own self confidence. 

My former dom, has been in touch with me again. He has been reminding me that he created me and thus has a connection that will remain.  That’s fine, because he was my first Dom, there is a connection that just can’t be broken. He unlocked my soul, but did not create it.  Semantics? Maybe… but there is truth in unlocking.

He wanted to see where I was in my growth and acceptance of myself. In re-reading my responses to him I caught words like, I’ve evolved, this is working for me, allowing, embracing, positive, valued, worthy, happy, playful, confident, partnerships, communication, wonderful, admitting to myself, no longer ashamed, environment to just be me and I’m present.

I also listed all the things I’m doing personally and professionally, serving on a Board, volunteering and hosting events, loving my work, eating better, exercising and enjoying life. 

No more sad doormat here.  I’m happy and I’m present.  I’ve regained my self-confidence back and I like who I am. I like my relationships and I’m surrounding myself with positive influences. 

My hope is for anyone, who is down on themselves…. that you write yourself a note and remind yourself the things you need to hear.

I’m not always confident…. moments of insecurities. But knowing that I have this confidence in me to say those things to my former, means its there and I just have to start wearing it. 

confidence

Who is my little…

girl peekingFinding out that I have a “little” inside me that is peeking her head out has had me deeply reflecting on what she needs.

I suspect she might be between 8 and 12.  I think I know some of her fears, which center on not being good enough – smart enough, pretty enough…  She wants to be loved, guided, cherished and respected.  She is a mini-adult, wanting to grow up but not knowing how.  She makes mistakes and is embarrassed by them, wants people to like her and want her around. She wants to have fun and have lots of friends. She wants to fit in. She wants to be silly and carefree. She wants to sing, dance and be seen.

Ah but the adult that she hides inside is shy and protective. I am focused and hardworking. I try too hard and put on a brave and strong facade to hide the little girl.  I like to stand out professionally but also fade into the background personally.  Except when with people I trust and know they care for me, they want me around.  Then I ease up and can be more silly and carefree.  I embarrass easily and take things more personally than I want to.  These are my walls. They are oddly formed and a mesh of materials.  They don’t look good together.

brick wallsI read about littles and it is heartwarming about how daddies help them and nuture them. Its adorable that littles like to color and play and snuggle with stuffed animals.  In many ways, I wish my little were that young. Instead she is on the horizon of adolescence.  A tougher time to just be.

My little doesn’t want a daddy.  She wants to grow up but safely and soundly. She wants guidance and taught how to be a confident little girl.  She wants to enjoy life and have fun doing what makes sense for her. Does this make sense? Does that resonate with anyone else?

The one thing I’ve noticed is that security, discipline, love, nurturing, attention and being wanted are key elements by all of us.

 

Check Mate

“I’m amused that he is training you in the “way” you want to be trained.” This is a message to me from my former Master about my current Dom.

My initial reaction was that yes he is, but that’s not why he is training me that way.  But I did have to give it some time to settle and evaluate in my mind.  I talked to a dear friend of mine about it who new former and myself together.  And she asked me a very worthwhile question.  Aren’t you supposed to find a Dom (or sub) that meshes with you?   Isn’t that what I “shopped” for?

The answer was a resoundingly clear, Yes!  I searched for two years to find someone that would understand me, push me, hold me accountable, get me better than I could know myself.  Someone that had a fun side to his sensual sadistic side. Someone that understood what D/s was to me and just how much BDSM was wanted.  Someone who wanted the same things in a relationship.

Today I mentioned the whole thing to D and I loved his response.  “Could it possibly be that the way you want trained matches the way I want to be served?”  (Yes! Yes! Yes! )

He went on to say ” he doesn’t understand that you and I match…that the things I want are in you and that your training further brings you to where I want you to be, and at the same time it is where YOU want to be.”

And this is exactly why I chose D from all those others that contacted me, met me and even went on a few dates.  He gets me, he knows me better than I know myself,  he understood me from the beginning.

So former may have wanted me to question things or create doubt, but all it did was confirm for me that I am with the right person now.  I’m thankful for the question and happy my initial response was so right on – logical and focused.  I’m even more grateful for D, who had the perfect response.  Check Mate.

 

 

Chaos… meet Peace

chaos

Peace and chaos seem to run hand in hand…

A relaxing Friday, lunch with loved ones and then accomplishing my reading goals, I settled in for a discussion with D.  It turned into chaos…… with me misunderstanding his intentions and he reading into something I said as a negative and complaint.  In circles we went, trying to explain ourselves another way.  All via text.

He hates to talk on phone but I could only take so much.  I called him as I went out for my nightly walk. I asked him to please just listen. I debunked what he thought I was expressing and he kept trying to get me to understand how the words hurt him.  I didn’t understand because they weren’t hurtful. It was that we have varying viewpoints on some topics and that hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do.  We talked it out.  He finally got me to understand why the words hurt.

He said that if I’m saying to him, that I need more from him, then it hurts him.  Because as my Dom and Owner, he provides for my needs. So when I’m expressing needing something, it is saying that he isn’t providing for my needs or my needs aren’t being met. And therefore, he isn’t doing a good job at providing. If he isn’t doing his job, he feels bad and thus hurt.

OMG, I never understood this before.  Talk about a powerful conversation.  It made complete sense to me and I’m so grateful he was able to communicate that to me.  As a sub, I realize I feel the same type of hurt when my Dom says he is stressed or needs to get things done, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I’m not saying he hurt me, but that I’m hurt.  There is a difference.  I wasn’t hearing that in the conversation.

Unfortunately the conversation was so deep and intense and D stayed up too late to be able to get to me early in the morning to go on a planned tour with me.  I was disgruntled to go alone, tho I knew early hour would be too much for him.  I was also annoyed that he hadn’t made it to my house by time I got home. In fact he left his at the time I arrived home.  He sent a note with how and where I should be waiting when he arrived.  I saw them and was hesitating to respond.  Then I did and a little happiness settled back in.

When he arrived and came into my room, I was waiting as expected.  He leaned down and kissed the back of my neck and all the chaos melted away and such peace came over me.

The next few hours were intense and desperately needed for both of us. I could not believe that all frustration, disgruntlement and hesitation melted away in one single moment and simple act.

The rest of the evening was in pure joy and happiness.  We enjoyed a great dinner out and then game time with friends. Even now, 2 days later, I feel contentment and peace in knowing what his feelings are about, what drives him, what matters and that even among the chaos, there is always peace to be found in each other’s arms.