A reflection of 2015

Its been quite a while since I’ve posted here.  I do miss my more frequent writings as they were a great way to self-reflect on things.

However, my life has been go…go…go for months now. Work has gotten busier with wonderful projects, school has been a challenge and amazing, my love life has been full with my wonderful daddy and with my delightful boyfriend. My kids are growing up so fast and creating lives of their own, its been so wonderful to watch and bittersweet too.

Last weekend I was away with some classmates and chatting about my work and kids and the two amazing men in my life and suddenly I sat back and realized just how interesting my life is. How I’ve had such wonderful experiences that have helped me grow as a person.

This past week, I’ve had various holiday parties and was chatting about my graduate work and program with some colleagues and I realized how much I’ve grown in confidence through this experience. I’ve had the skills, this just gave me the confidence and some new tools to do what I’ve always done even better.

Daddy and I are talking about moving in together and making plans for our future. Its such an exciting time.  We still have a few bumps in the road to get through but we are doing them together. That is a great feeling.

M and I are facing some bumps together too.  Isn’t that always the case in poly relationships, but he and I are solid and we are enjoying each other and where our relationship has grown.  We always talk about things we would like to do together. Who knows if they will happen, but it is fantastic that we can share ideas and see that connection being there.

Some friendships have changed over the year, some grown stronger, some moving away, others have faded, but all those around me care for me and are cared for in return.

As for me, I don’t know what will happen when…. that is a challenge for this little planner. However, my life is so rich and full that I know I am on the right path with the right people.

2015 has been a very good year to me. 2016 is looking to be even better.

Cheers

 

 

 

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Architecting your relationship

As D and I are working on amending our contract to further reflect who we are as a couple and how we want to build our relationship, I realized it is like drafting blueprints. In today’s business world you architect solutions to solve workplace problems.  Is it any different for your relationships?

To architect your relationship, the client and the architect (Dominant and submissive playing both parts) must sit down and decide what it is they want.  What are the goals, the purpose? What needs and desires must this fulfill? What else matters to them?  These conversations create the concept.

Then they put all that together to create the image, what it could look like and how it can be laid out.  The rough draft, so to speak.  Things get moved around, discussed further and tweaked until they feel that it solidifies what they were seeking.

From there a formal drawing (contract) is created. Still more tweaks are necessary as the specific language, formatting and style are determined, much like when the engineer gets a hold of the drawings.

Once all is agreed upon and the drawings are signed off on, its time to ready and pour the foundation.  Timing, weather, materials and several other factors will determine when building can begin.

As you begin to build, is everything done precisely as drawn out?  Most likely the answer is no.  Many find there are other things they want or need at this point that they did not know at the beginning. New rules might need adhered to or established. It is truly an on-going conversation and the need for flexibility in the process is critical.

This is where D and I find ourselves.  We had a great contract that met all of our needs when written out, but have found that there are other aspects that we did not take into account. While our relationship is growing and evolving, so too must our D/s agreement and what we need and desire from one another and from our dynamic.  Our relationship is deeper than many vanilla relationships and because of that the foundation we have already built needs expanded and with rough terrain at times, we need to account for that so that our structure that we are building will stand firm against the elements and stand the test of time.

So here is to architecting your relationships, just as you would building your home from scratch. Dream it, draw it, tweak it, pour it and build it to meet your goals, needs and desires.

Cheers!

Bumps in the Road

Mt Everest Climb

Why does bumps in the road sometimes feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

When it comes to relationships, bumps in the road happen.  They are faced and dealt with and you get past them.  If you are smart enough to see that the road keeps going beyond the bump, that is.  I face most things this way, seeing past the bump and moving on while learning from it at the same time.

Recently, daddy and i had a bump in our road.  He understood that and he worked to get us past it and moving forward.  Ok, this bump was more like a hill or steep incline…. but nevertheless, I saw it as the tallest mountain to climb and no road beyond the top of it, so we would have to build from scratch.

As a little and a submissive with next to no patience, I didn’t like the mountain climb only to have to rebuild everything we spent a year building.  It seems unfair and I want the happy journey we were on to continue.  Waiting for Daddy to take the ropes and decide where to start.

What I didn’t see or conceptualize is that Daddy got us safely over the hill, no ropes needed and we could continue on our journey as the road was already built for us.  I only had to turn around to see it instead of looking off in the distance.

How many times have you thought things were worse than they were? How did you handle them? What prompted you to see what was in plain sight?

Thank you Daddy for helping me to see you had us through all of this and still do.

My Rock

When Budgeting Becomes Overwhelming

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my journey.  A lot has been going on and my heart and mind have been overwhelmed.  I’ve shut down and I’ve not been a good submissive, girlfriend, lover, friend, etc.  I focused on work and school to help me, and that further shut me down as I wasn’t being true to myself or the one I love.

I’m coming back to my senses and to myself thanks to my daddy. He isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes, little and big but he owns them and makes changes to fix them. He is my love, my world. He supports me even thru my mistakes.  He helps me to see them, acknowledge them and grow from the experiences.  He makes difficult decisions, including ones that I don’t like or cause me hurt feelings, but he does them with us in mind.  He makes difficult decisions that are for us, to help us heal and move forward.  He has so much strength and I honestly love him all the more.

Daddy is my rock, he deserves my respect and my love. He is “higher than I” because I gave him that gift.  He is showing me what that means to him in ways I never could expect.  He is showing me what a true Dominant is and should be.  No one else has ever put me first in their lives and he not only makes me a priority but he is showing me unconditional love. A very new thing for me to experience.  Thank you daddy.

While I know he only expects love and respect in return, I know I owe him far more than that for what he plans for us and me. I can only repay him by truly deepening my submission and trusting that he will only act in our best interests and he will protect me and my interests.

Daddy know that you are loved and valued. I will work with you to ensure our hurts are learned from and we move forward. I will work on myself to repair the parts broken. You are my world and I will honor you and you are honoring me.  I am yours and you are mine.

Reconnecting

 

I’m in a phase of reconnecting to myself and my submission. The disconnect happened as a result of my need to be focused and very in control of my environment during a brutal 8 weeks of juggling a very complex group project.

Meditation and reflection helped keep me from losing my mind and becoming unbearable during those grueling weeks. My wonderful, loving D also helped immensely.  However, neither of us realized just how hard I took that time frame and the disconnect that it brought.  I know I felt off but couldn’t explain it.  He knew I was stretched thin and mentally exhausted so didn’t push the snarky behavior I was exhibiting.

I knew my submission wasn’t lost for good, it just annoyed me that I couldn’t bring it out overnight.  I have a need for self-perfection (not smart I know).  Not feeling submissive, is not normal for me.  I may be in charge at work or lead groups but I tend to always feel submissive even when I appear otherwise.  This was the first time since I let my submissive out, so to speak, that I didn’t feel myself.

My Sir was wonderful and reminded me he had me and would get me through it all.  And he has.  I’m quite grateful to him for dealing with the crazy that I have been as of late and not taking it personally. And for helping me reconnect even if I don’t always like the methods to get there.

More to come….

Craving Desires

desire

I’m insatiable!

Lately, I’ve been struggling with being a little and being a very sexual submissive. My sexual desire are strong, they are always present and they are a craving, a true need. It is overpowering at times.

I need it strong, feral even. My little side on the other hand needs cuddles, needs playful interactions and likes it soft and sensual.  Can the two blend?  Yes they can, tho sometimes the blend needs to be put aside and the raw, feral, primal need to be manhandled.

Recently, Daddy didn’t sate those needs because he felt that I truly needed just to be held, cuddled and shown love and care. I know he was right, but these other needs are ever present. They don’t dim, they don’t go away.  He feels that I allow these needs to cover up what I really need and give myself the false sense of taking care of them through this animalistic desire.

To some degree he is correct. My experiences have built up to that. My marriage was good and the sex was frequent and good. But I never let my darker needs out nor did I acknowledge my little.  In my last D/s relationship it was all about the sex and his needs, which mirrored my carnal desires. Yet that’s where it ended. We were sexual soul mates but not heartfelt soul mates. He understood me through my desires, my needs, my cravings, but he never understood my heart.

Daddy understand it all. He can sate all of these needs. He listens, he observes and he wants what is best for me in every moment. He puts me first.  He cherishes me.

He touches my heart, soothes its wounds, quiets my mind, comforts my worries, puts out my fears and shows me love in a way no one else ever has.  I love you Daddy.

https://i2.wp.com/media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/originals/e3/ed/4f/e3ed4f4a4714d272acee9cf2a2e2cc88.jpg

Sharing my words…

I must admit, I’ve been a bit selfish. I’ve kept this blog from my beloved Sir.  He understands my reasons and I share some posts with him via email, but I’ve not sent him the link.

I think this will be one of his Christmas gifts or at least New Year’s.  (sigh)

The reason for the selfishness is due to my comfort in opening up in my thoughts and feelings and being able to express those without focus on respect and political correctness.  Yet I do those things anyway. I would never disrespect him publicly and I do always consider my words.  I’ve come to realize this as I was preparing another post for today. (which I will still share).

So with love and respect for our relationship, I will open myself up to him completely. He can choose what to read and decide if anything needs corrected.  I love him and I love the relationship that we are building. I am his…..my words and all.

Polyamory and being a Little

Thought of the day – can I still be polyamorous now that my little is roaming free?

As I ponder this thought and ask if anyone has any insights to share…. I’ll provide a brief background.

Several years ago,  I allowed by submissive nature to flourish. I gave it the freedom from the box I kept it hidden in.  I ventured into the lifestyle of D/s and fell in love with a Polyamorous Dominant.  I became a member of a poly family.  No we did not live together and we kept it very hush hush.  The Dom was poly, and his subs were monogamous to him. If bi- they could play together with his permission.  Being a straight newbie, I thought this made sense.  I did not question it. Too often I heard the phrase “you are not poly” said to me in disdain.  Eventually the Dom and I broke up because I couldn’t cut it in his family.

I spent the next two years, involved with the poly community in my area as many of my friends are poly and I wanted to know why was I not poly.  Come to find out that yes I am. I just wasn’t his version of poly.  This was an a-ha moment at a PolyLiving Conference.

See I believed in polyamory – multiple loves.  Your heart cannot be told who to love and who not to.  Some of those loves may be romantic partners, some may be very good friends that you consider family. Some may be your Dom and or sister subs.  It is just like the D/s lifestyle, it is what suits you.  Through the conference, the community and friends, I have found a place in the world where I fit in.  I believe that love is freedom and if you place it in a cage, it cannot flourish.  That is not to say that one becomes promiscuous either.  It simply means, if you fall in love, allow it to happen.

When Sir and I got together, I told him I was poly and had a small group of poly friends that I consider my chosen family as well as a poly community where I am an active member.  He did not waver, in spite of not being poly himself.  This allowed us to really dig in and talk about things.  We worked things out and I was allowed to have another partner so long as our boundaries and rules were adhered to.  It has worked out nicely as his rules are fair and he is always approachable to talk.

Now with my little out and about, I feel myself questioning poly all over again. Can I be poly and in my little state?  Can she handle it? Poly takes work, it takes control of your emotions. She isn’t good with that.  In hindsight, that might have been what happened in my first poly family attempt – my little ran my emotions without my acknowledgement of her.

I don’t know what the answer is right now. I’m sure I will be exploring this further……

Abandonment issues

alone

Many subs have abandonment issues and we all individually explore where they come from.  I’m no exception. However, mine never made sense.

While my parents divorced when I was young, there was still a connection to my dad. My mom didn’t work and she was always home for us. So where did they step from?

My therapist believed and helped me to see that while there was a presence of my parents, they weren’t always emotionally available to me and that abandonment issues could be a result from that form of childhood.  This made sense but still didn’t feel right to me.  Yet I could never explain it.

Last night Daddy and I were curled up together and talking after a bit of an intense play session. During this session, he would warm me up and I’d relax into the lovely flogging or other wonderfully wicked things he had planned only to have him jolt me out of the zone because he’d switch to stingy or to a certain spot that I do not enjoy. When I’d jolt out, he’d go back to a wonderful rhythm that I could let go.  Over and over this went until finally I said enough.  I didn’t safe word, but he knew that I wasn’t enjoying.  He held me and reassured me I was ok, which I was and that he wondered when I was going to hit that breaking point.

I was angry at him for the back and forth of zone, jolt, zone, jolt.  I was not my happy, in the moment sub self. I didn’t want to be mad at him.  As the emotions of anger and submissiveness warred within me, I collapsed against his leg and I couldn’t cry nor could I shout. He was calmly letting me know it was okay to be angry at him, it was okay to express those feelings and that I would soon understand that and it would bring us closer.

This play session was about him building up emotions that I don’t normally express, that I suppress and forcing me to let them out, so as to break down another wall and let him in.  I didn’t get it. I listened to his words and they felt right but did not make sense at the time.

As we laid there in each other’s arms, we talked about why I have the wall to begin with. Why I need to protect myself from angry emotions. The real answer is I’ve always been this way, so I don’t know.  He already knew this which is why we had to break down the wall instead of me letting him in.  This led to a discussion of my fears of abandonment and if I let out my anger emotions then why would anyone wish to stay around.

He asked me if he was mad at me for showing my angry emotions during play. No daddy.  Was he still there reassuring me that all was good?  Yes daddy.  In fact he was telling me that I was a good girl for sharing those emotions and not suppressing them.  In fact I noticed that he was happy that I told him I wasn’t enjoying the session.  I wasn’t, but he was.  Hmmm…

Then he asked me again about my abandonment issues and I told him what my therapist believed and he said he could understand where one would believe those things and yes it made sense. I let him know yes it does, but doesn’t’ feel right. And that’s when he gave me a whole new insight.

Its possible my abandonment issues are a result of my keeping my adult and my little so separated in my mind. I kept two different sides of me apart my whole life. I grew up too fast and that led to me pushing my childhood aside.  As he expressed his thoughts, I felt that he was right.  I finally felt that there was something to that thought process and a way to make sense of these “unfounded” fears that I had.

As my adult and little make peace with one another, I believe my fears will ease up considerably.  Its wonderful having someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

Lessons Learned

discipline

Punishment and Discipline – Not the same thing

This writing started off with the concept of discussing punishments that I have heard about or been subjected to.  And as luck would have it, I learned a lesson of my own.

I looked up images on the topic of punishment to find one to add to this post. And I saw pictures or drawings from typical spanking of adults and parents spanking children. However, I also saw images of pure torture. Hangings, severe beatings etc. So I stopped and gathered myself and looked up images on the topic of discipline. What I found was far more supportive and likely to provide a lesson.

Years ago, a friend of mine received a punishment because she spoke up to a Dom because of things she felt strongly about. He decided to punish her with breaking a limit she had. He also had another there that he gave pleasure to as a way to show her what she was missing out on. When he left the room, he told the one being punished that she now had to deal with the emotions of the one who wasn’t being punished.  How was this this going to help any of them?  What lesson did it teach?  To my knowledge – None.  It did form a friendship bond between the two women – who tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to this past year, and the sub who was used for pleasure was now being punished for not being available when he wanted her to be (she wasn’t owned by him anymore) and he used a similar punishment.  He punished her by making her please him while he was kissing and paying attention to another sub. He wanted to hurt her emotionally for not being available. Instead what he did was push her away and it changed her views on him and she left him.  Granted a lesson learned, but not the one the Dom sought to teach her.

This is punishment – it is done in anger and without thought given to what lesson needs to be learned. No growth happens.  Fear and/or distrust is the result.

Unlike punishment, discipline is done with intention. Whether it is self-discipline or at the hands of your Dom, the intention is to help you grow and achieve the goals you have.

For example, I have a rule about sending 2 pics a day to Sir. I have the option of asking for a reprieve when overly busy or sick. So there is no reason for me to miss sending them. Except I often forget.  So the last time I forgot, I had to send a picture every hour throughout my day except those that I was in meetings.  This lesson was learned and I haven’t missed a pic since.  I know why I send these pics and I genuinely want to send them.  They are normal pics where he gets to see my smiling face, so easy to take.

The way he handled it was to drive home my goal for pleasing him and remind me of the task at the same time.  This was discipline that taught a lesson. And I’m grateful for my wonderful Sir that he understood punishment would not correct the forgetfulness or remind me of the joy we both have in the task to begin with.

If anyone else would like to share their thoughts on this, it could be a great discussion.