Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

gone

I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

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Bumps in the Road

Mt Everest Climb

Why does bumps in the road sometimes feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

When it comes to relationships, bumps in the road happen.  They are faced and dealt with and you get past them.  If you are smart enough to see that the road keeps going beyond the bump, that is.  I face most things this way, seeing past the bump and moving on while learning from it at the same time.

Recently, daddy and i had a bump in our road.  He understood that and he worked to get us past it and moving forward.  Ok, this bump was more like a hill or steep incline…. but nevertheless, I saw it as the tallest mountain to climb and no road beyond the top of it, so we would have to build from scratch.

As a little and a submissive with next to no patience, I didn’t like the mountain climb only to have to rebuild everything we spent a year building.  It seems unfair and I want the happy journey we were on to continue.  Waiting for Daddy to take the ropes and decide where to start.

What I didn’t see or conceptualize is that Daddy got us safely over the hill, no ropes needed and we could continue on our journey as the road was already built for us.  I only had to turn around to see it instead of looking off in the distance.

How many times have you thought things were worse than they were? How did you handle them? What prompted you to see what was in plain sight?

Thank you Daddy for helping me to see you had us through all of this and still do.

My Rock

When Budgeting Becomes Overwhelming

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my journey.  A lot has been going on and my heart and mind have been overwhelmed.  I’ve shut down and I’ve not been a good submissive, girlfriend, lover, friend, etc.  I focused on work and school to help me, and that further shut me down as I wasn’t being true to myself or the one I love.

I’m coming back to my senses and to myself thanks to my daddy. He isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes, little and big but he owns them and makes changes to fix them. He is my love, my world. He supports me even thru my mistakes.  He helps me to see them, acknowledge them and grow from the experiences.  He makes difficult decisions, including ones that I don’t like or cause me hurt feelings, but he does them with us in mind.  He makes difficult decisions that are for us, to help us heal and move forward.  He has so much strength and I honestly love him all the more.

Daddy is my rock, he deserves my respect and my love. He is “higher than I” because I gave him that gift.  He is showing me what that means to him in ways I never could expect.  He is showing me what a true Dominant is and should be.  No one else has ever put me first in their lives and he not only makes me a priority but he is showing me unconditional love. A very new thing for me to experience.  Thank you daddy.

While I know he only expects love and respect in return, I know I owe him far more than that for what he plans for us and me. I can only repay him by truly deepening my submission and trusting that he will only act in our best interests and he will protect me and my interests.

Daddy know that you are loved and valued. I will work with you to ensure our hurts are learned from and we move forward. I will work on myself to repair the parts broken. You are my world and I will honor you and you are honoring me.  I am yours and you are mine.

Connected once again

 

My center has been connected once again.  Yay!  The reconnection and pulling from within was a journey of its own.

Feeling like you lost your submission is depressing and anxiety provoking. At least it was for me.  It was also challenging for D as he had to contend with my moods and my lashing out.  However, we worked together and while I’m sure there is still work to do, I at least feel myself again and the connection is there.

Through discipline, lots of talking and working on our contract renewal helped to piece back the puzzle that is me.  Sir’s reminders that I am His, that I am worthy and that he had me helped me feel safe and loved. For some, this might have been all that was needed. For me, I needed more.  Some mild discipline also helped but without him standing firm that the behavior has to change, was not enough. I exhibited very bratty behavior and couldn’t understand why. I broke some rules even.  I needed Him to stand firm and put his foot down.  I needed rules and consequences. I needed Him to take back the control.

Our contract renewal involved laying out rules, protocol and rituals that had been absent from our first one.  This involved understanding one another and what it means to our relationship. This humbled me and allowed me to open up to Him.  An intense scene followed and the final piece fell into place.

I no longer wanted to be in control.  Once he took that back, I felt calmer. I felt more myself. I felt connected to my submission and to my Owner.

Thank you Sir.

Reconnecting

 

I’m in a phase of reconnecting to myself and my submission. The disconnect happened as a result of my need to be focused and very in control of my environment during a brutal 8 weeks of juggling a very complex group project.

Meditation and reflection helped keep me from losing my mind and becoming unbearable during those grueling weeks. My wonderful, loving D also helped immensely.  However, neither of us realized just how hard I took that time frame and the disconnect that it brought.  I know I felt off but couldn’t explain it.  He knew I was stretched thin and mentally exhausted so didn’t push the snarky behavior I was exhibiting.

I knew my submission wasn’t lost for good, it just annoyed me that I couldn’t bring it out overnight.  I have a need for self-perfection (not smart I know).  Not feeling submissive, is not normal for me.  I may be in charge at work or lead groups but I tend to always feel submissive even when I appear otherwise.  This was the first time since I let my submissive out, so to speak, that I didn’t feel myself.

My Sir was wonderful and reminded me he had me and would get me through it all.  And he has.  I’m quite grateful to him for dealing with the crazy that I have been as of late and not taking it personally. And for helping me reconnect even if I don’t always like the methods to get there.

More to come….

It’s been a while

It has been a while since I last posted.  Life has gotten in the way.  Being in grad school and having a capstone course these past few months has become a second full time job.

I have disconnected from my own submission to the point that I feel lost. My mind is filled with so much and the struggle to reconnect is not coming easy.  I know it will return, I do not have doubts about that. It is who I am.

I’ve missed reading all of your blogs and writing.  I’m looking forward to returning.   

Abandonment issues

alone

Many subs have abandonment issues and we all individually explore where they come from.  I’m no exception. However, mine never made sense.

While my parents divorced when I was young, there was still a connection to my dad. My mom didn’t work and she was always home for us. So where did they step from?

My therapist believed and helped me to see that while there was a presence of my parents, they weren’t always emotionally available to me and that abandonment issues could be a result from that form of childhood.  This made sense but still didn’t feel right to me.  Yet I could never explain it.

Last night Daddy and I were curled up together and talking after a bit of an intense play session. During this session, he would warm me up and I’d relax into the lovely flogging or other wonderfully wicked things he had planned only to have him jolt me out of the zone because he’d switch to stingy or to a certain spot that I do not enjoy. When I’d jolt out, he’d go back to a wonderful rhythm that I could let go.  Over and over this went until finally I said enough.  I didn’t safe word, but he knew that I wasn’t enjoying.  He held me and reassured me I was ok, which I was and that he wondered when I was going to hit that breaking point.

I was angry at him for the back and forth of zone, jolt, zone, jolt.  I was not my happy, in the moment sub self. I didn’t want to be mad at him.  As the emotions of anger and submissiveness warred within me, I collapsed against his leg and I couldn’t cry nor could I shout. He was calmly letting me know it was okay to be angry at him, it was okay to express those feelings and that I would soon understand that and it would bring us closer.

This play session was about him building up emotions that I don’t normally express, that I suppress and forcing me to let them out, so as to break down another wall and let him in.  I didn’t get it. I listened to his words and they felt right but did not make sense at the time.

As we laid there in each other’s arms, we talked about why I have the wall to begin with. Why I need to protect myself from angry emotions. The real answer is I’ve always been this way, so I don’t know.  He already knew this which is why we had to break down the wall instead of me letting him in.  This led to a discussion of my fears of abandonment and if I let out my anger emotions then why would anyone wish to stay around.

He asked me if he was mad at me for showing my angry emotions during play. No daddy.  Was he still there reassuring me that all was good?  Yes daddy.  In fact he was telling me that I was a good girl for sharing those emotions and not suppressing them.  In fact I noticed that he was happy that I told him I wasn’t enjoying the session.  I wasn’t, but he was.  Hmmm…

Then he asked me again about my abandonment issues and I told him what my therapist believed and he said he could understand where one would believe those things and yes it made sense. I let him know yes it does, but doesn’t’ feel right. And that’s when he gave me a whole new insight.

Its possible my abandonment issues are a result of my keeping my adult and my little so separated in my mind. I kept two different sides of me apart my whole life. I grew up too fast and that led to me pushing my childhood aside.  As he expressed his thoughts, I felt that he was right.  I finally felt that there was something to that thought process and a way to make sense of these “unfounded” fears that I had.

As my adult and little make peace with one another, I believe my fears will ease up considerably.  Its wonderful having someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

Daddy?

daddy

Should I call him Daddy?

What is the right name for my Master, my Owner, my Sir,  my lover, my boyfriend, my rock, my heart?  I’m his little one, his pet, his slave, his slut, his girlfriend and his rock.

Little one and pet fit me well, slut and slave is what I am.  Master fits, tho is very formal and does not feel right for conversation between the two of us.  Sir fits, tho I always feel like I’m being sarcastic when I say “yes Sir”.  I know I’m not or he would be correcting me, it just feels that way.  Owner, is what he is – he owns me. But its not a title to call him.  The rest are roles he plays.

So what do I call him?  Master and Sir feel solid to my slave/adult side. And its how I would refer to others in the lifestyle. Not in our one on one conversation.  Daddy…. well that is really hitting home to my little.  She wants to call him that badly, but adult side feels odd about it. Does this make sense?

I’d love to hear from Doms and littles alike on why the name Daddy fits.  My orderly logical adult needs to make sense of what my little is shouting to call my very loving, caring, protective, guiding, sadistically sensual One.

burlap_throw_pillow

Writing the Contract

contract

A Dominant / submissive contract is a task in reflection, intention, motivation and emotion.  It’s a chance for growth.

Before you even begin to write a D/s or M/s contract there are some things that you need to reflect upon. These are a few that I spent time on as I’ve been tasked with writing an agreement for D and I. Of course both of us had to do these things and discuss them before anything went down on paper.

You reflect back on past relationships, what worked, what didn’t.

You reflect on how you’ve grown as a person.

You reflect on what you need now.

You reflect on what you need from your partner.

What are your intentions in creating a contract? Is it a contract or an agreement? What is the term or length intended?  There are many questions that you have to ask yourselves.

What are your roles and responsibilities to each other and relationship overall?

What are your limits?

How will you treat amending or terminating the agreement?

How detailed do you want it to be?  Rules, rituals, guidelines spelled out or noted in general terms?

Expectations regarding other partner?

How are punishments acknowledged and handled?

To engage in the D/s or M/s lifestyle requires a level of motivation. There are needs, wants and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive.  What are yours?  What are your must haves?

Some things I needed to include for myself involved ensuring that the language used expressed that there is a full relationship here, not just for scenes/play.  Love, cherishing and respect were large factors in my motivation as his submissive. Language of inclusion in each other’s daily lives was a motivator (not because we aren’t doing that, but to ensure it remains a part of our dynamic). I also wanted to ensure that my relationships with family, friends and my career were considerations so that I do not lose myself in our relationship (not for him, but for myself).  For him, my obedience in and out of the bedroom is ensured for our power exchange dynamic to work. He wanted to ensure I’d safeword if necessary. He also has identified walls that he is carefully dismantling and so language on my agreement to overcome some of these obstacles is written in.  We even included goals for one another for the duration of the agreement.

This task is overall an emotional one.  You dig deep into your past, present and hopes for your future together. For me, there were emotional things from my past that I wanted to ensure would not be present in our future.  Challenges in our present that we don’t want to negatively effect us. For me, the emotions I’m feeling are of joy, pleasure and hope. There is nervousness for the intentions we’ve voiced to be put out there in black and white, signed in ink.  But, note the emotions are positive ones.  If there was any negativity, hesitation or fears, this would not be signed. We’d have to address those concerns and alter the contract until the emotions are all positive.

So this weekend, D and I will sit down and review this together. We will go section by section and ensure our joint agreement. We will adjust as needed (likely minimal as this was previewed individually before editing). We know its content.  We will add to our goals for the duration of our agreement (6 months for this first contract). And our intention is to sign it and to begin this next phase of our relationship.

For some, their contracts will include language that the Dominant will provide a token of his ownership over the submissive, such as a collar.  While D and I have discussed collaring (don’t know if he has that planned for this weekend or not), but I didn’t want that included.  I personally felt the collaring is a separate event and it being a material item that I didn’t feel should be a motivator for the relationship.  JMHO.

Stay tuned….

 

 

Simply Complicated

complicated

Oh how complicated simple things can become.  More like how complicated we make things out to be.  I try so hard to keep a simple existence but my life is complicated by nature.  Add in emotions and I’m a complicated web of crazy.  This weekend was a testament to that.

I had big hopes and dreams for a quiet and wonderful weekend, relaxing, spending time with J and D, no kids and then seeing some friends as well.  A weekend of enjoyment.  After all it is the only weekend this month that D and I do not have something major going on that will severely limit our time to be together.  And I haven’t seen J for a month… I thought I had conveyed how important this weekend was to me and my concerns how tough this month was going to be.  I thought I was clear.  Apparently not.

I slept most of Friday given some crazy in the neighborhood late at night that kept me awake, but then I enjoyed a quiet lunch with mom and learning my arrangements for Saturday were all in the air.  Spending time fixing everything, having to take my little sis, from another mother to the airport and then having 4 teenage boys overnight kept the energy ebbing and flowing.  So Saturday rolls around and I had a short meeting to be followed by some time with J before D came over. I was happy and so looking forward to it all.  I was like a kid in a toy store.

J got tied up and couldn’t make it.  I was disappointed but happy that I was still going to have a wonderful night with D and wasn’t going to get too bent out of shape.  Hoping he could stay overnight.  But understood that might not happen. Since I now had extra time before D got there, I decided to cook us dinner. I love to cook and was thrilled to cook for him the first time.  Then we had such wonderful scene time.  We tried some new things that worked really well and it left me spent.  Curled up in his arms, I was so relaxed that I fell asleep.  (I’ve not been able to do this before.)  It was so amazingly wonderful.  Then he shifted and said the words that shot me awake and left me poised to fight.  He said he had to go home.   It was only 9 pm.  I was hurt, angry and terribly out of sorts.  I felt cheap and used (not in the good way). I tried hard to control my outward reaction and get my wits together before answering him.  I rolled away to pull it together and figure out my words. He got up and dressed.  I didn’t want to hurt him but didn’t understand either.  I needed that night with him, even if he couldn’t stay over, but did he have to leave so early?  He didn’t arrive until 5.   We hadn’t even had time to talk or be silly.  Just eat and intense scene then wonderful cuddles after.  It was selfish of him to leave like that.  It was selfish of me to need more.

As I spoke I kept as much calm in my voice as I could and tried to explain that the night was so wonderful and I enjoyed every minute but I didn’t understand why he had to rush off so early.  He said I ruined the night so I reminded him all I had to do to give us the private time and now he was leaving me home all alone.  I had thought we might go see a local band play but had been happy to be in his arms instead.  He was mad, wouldn’t look at me.  And it broke my heart.  I wanted to make it better, to take his hurt away.   I started to cry and felt awful.  I told him how much stress this month was putting on me and how tonight was our only time, its why I worked so hard to give us this one night. I reminded him how much I needed him, how not seeing him all week made me miss him that much more.  And how with him away next weekend, I’m already missing him.  It sucked.

He held me and soothed away the tears.  He calmly explained that he only had 5 hours to give me since he was so busy with packing and the changes happening in his life.  He said that he didn’t understand how important that night was to me as he didn’t catch the depth of my concerns for this month.  He reassured me he wasn’t mad at me (which I thought he was) that he was upset with the situation. He explained that the changes of the next few weeks would give us more time together and to keep focusing on that.  He is right.  I know this.  My mind just refuses to be reassured whereas my heart gets it.  He added that for the time being he would be mindful to let me know his max. time availability while we get through this busy month.  That simple thing made sense.  Yes if I was prepared for it to be a short night I would have been able to handle it.

We talked a little bit more and I got dressed to walk him out.   I didn’t want to let him go. I needed to feel his touch.  But I had to.  It was sad, felt like a piece of me left with him.   Instead of going inside and being miserable all night (I’m a night owl so sleep would not come for hours), I went over to my mom’s to see my visiting relatives.  It helped ease the emptiness that I felt, the loss.  But as soon as I got home and curled up in bed, I could smell him.  I surrounded myself with pillows so I could sleep.  We texted a bit as  he arrived home and then I drifted off.

Unfortunately my mind would not leave me be and I had to analyze why my reactions were so strong, so intense.  I missed him as if I wouldn’t see him again.  I realized my feelings and my submission are growing very deep for him and how at peace I really am when with him.  When he leaves, I have to prepare myself to deal with the big bad world alone again.  That’s hard to do. Even tougher when we only see each other once a week (for now).   So when he leaves, I want more time, I need more time.  I don’t want to have to be strong and face things alone.  I need to be protected, cherished and safe.

It took me most of Sunday to realize that and we had a great discussion about it.  He understood all along what was behind it, even when I didn’t.  He knew that I’d figure it out and realize that he is only a text away and while his arms aren’t there to cuddle me, his spirit is.  And I know the complications of this month is to move him a little closer to me and work which will free up more time for us to see each other even during the week.  Weekends will be more open when his daughter leaves for college and his major work renovation project wraps up at the end of August.

He says to “have patience my pet”…
oh to be that simple…

But it is…