Architecting your relationship

As D and I are working on amending our contract to further reflect who we are as a couple and how we want to build our relationship, I realized it is like drafting blueprints. In today’s business world you architect solutions to solve workplace problems.  Is it any different for your relationships?

To architect your relationship, the client and the architect (Dominant and submissive playing both parts) must sit down and decide what it is they want.  What are the goals, the purpose? What needs and desires must this fulfill? What else matters to them?  These conversations create the concept.

Then they put all that together to create the image, what it could look like and how it can be laid out.  The rough draft, so to speak.  Things get moved around, discussed further and tweaked until they feel that it solidifies what they were seeking.

From there a formal drawing (contract) is created. Still more tweaks are necessary as the specific language, formatting and style are determined, much like when the engineer gets a hold of the drawings.

Once all is agreed upon and the drawings are signed off on, its time to ready and pour the foundation.  Timing, weather, materials and several other factors will determine when building can begin.

As you begin to build, is everything done precisely as drawn out?  Most likely the answer is no.  Many find there are other things they want or need at this point that they did not know at the beginning. New rules might need adhered to or established. It is truly an on-going conversation and the need for flexibility in the process is critical.

This is where D and I find ourselves.  We had a great contract that met all of our needs when written out, but have found that there are other aspects that we did not take into account. While our relationship is growing and evolving, so too must our D/s agreement and what we need and desire from one another and from our dynamic.  Our relationship is deeper than many vanilla relationships and because of that the foundation we have already built needs expanded and with rough terrain at times, we need to account for that so that our structure that we are building will stand firm against the elements and stand the test of time.

So here is to architecting your relationships, just as you would building your home from scratch. Dream it, draw it, tweak it, pour it and build it to meet your goals, needs and desires.

Cheers!

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Connected once again

 

My center has been connected once again.  Yay!  The reconnection and pulling from within was a journey of its own.

Feeling like you lost your submission is depressing and anxiety provoking. At least it was for me.  It was also challenging for D as he had to contend with my moods and my lashing out.  However, we worked together and while I’m sure there is still work to do, I at least feel myself again and the connection is there.

Through discipline, lots of talking and working on our contract renewal helped to piece back the puzzle that is me.  Sir’s reminders that I am His, that I am worthy and that he had me helped me feel safe and loved. For some, this might have been all that was needed. For me, I needed more.  Some mild discipline also helped but without him standing firm that the behavior has to change, was not enough. I exhibited very bratty behavior and couldn’t understand why. I broke some rules even.  I needed Him to stand firm and put his foot down.  I needed rules and consequences. I needed Him to take back the control.

Our contract renewal involved laying out rules, protocol and rituals that had been absent from our first one.  This involved understanding one another and what it means to our relationship. This humbled me and allowed me to open up to Him.  An intense scene followed and the final piece fell into place.

I no longer wanted to be in control.  Once he took that back, I felt calmer. I felt more myself. I felt connected to my submission and to my Owner.

Thank you Sir.

Reconnecting

 

I’m in a phase of reconnecting to myself and my submission. The disconnect happened as a result of my need to be focused and very in control of my environment during a brutal 8 weeks of juggling a very complex group project.

Meditation and reflection helped keep me from losing my mind and becoming unbearable during those grueling weeks. My wonderful, loving D also helped immensely.  However, neither of us realized just how hard I took that time frame and the disconnect that it brought.  I know I felt off but couldn’t explain it.  He knew I was stretched thin and mentally exhausted so didn’t push the snarky behavior I was exhibiting.

I knew my submission wasn’t lost for good, it just annoyed me that I couldn’t bring it out overnight.  I have a need for self-perfection (not smart I know).  Not feeling submissive, is not normal for me.  I may be in charge at work or lead groups but I tend to always feel submissive even when I appear otherwise.  This was the first time since I let my submissive out, so to speak, that I didn’t feel myself.

My Sir was wonderful and reminded me he had me and would get me through it all.  And he has.  I’m quite grateful to him for dealing with the crazy that I have been as of late and not taking it personally. And for helping me reconnect even if I don’t always like the methods to get there.

More to come….

Lessons Learned

discipline

Punishment and Discipline – Not the same thing

This writing started off with the concept of discussing punishments that I have heard about or been subjected to.  And as luck would have it, I learned a lesson of my own.

I looked up images on the topic of punishment to find one to add to this post. And I saw pictures or drawings from typical spanking of adults and parents spanking children. However, I also saw images of pure torture. Hangings, severe beatings etc. So I stopped and gathered myself and looked up images on the topic of discipline. What I found was far more supportive and likely to provide a lesson.

Years ago, a friend of mine received a punishment because she spoke up to a Dom because of things she felt strongly about. He decided to punish her with breaking a limit she had. He also had another there that he gave pleasure to as a way to show her what she was missing out on. When he left the room, he told the one being punished that she now had to deal with the emotions of the one who wasn’t being punished.  How was this this going to help any of them?  What lesson did it teach?  To my knowledge – None.  It did form a friendship bond between the two women – who tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to this past year, and the sub who was used for pleasure was now being punished for not being available when he wanted her to be (she wasn’t owned by him anymore) and he used a similar punishment.  He punished her by making her please him while he was kissing and paying attention to another sub. He wanted to hurt her emotionally for not being available. Instead what he did was push her away and it changed her views on him and she left him.  Granted a lesson learned, but not the one the Dom sought to teach her.

This is punishment – it is done in anger and without thought given to what lesson needs to be learned. No growth happens.  Fear and/or distrust is the result.

Unlike punishment, discipline is done with intention. Whether it is self-discipline or at the hands of your Dom, the intention is to help you grow and achieve the goals you have.

For example, I have a rule about sending 2 pics a day to Sir. I have the option of asking for a reprieve when overly busy or sick. So there is no reason for me to miss sending them. Except I often forget.  So the last time I forgot, I had to send a picture every hour throughout my day except those that I was in meetings.  This lesson was learned and I haven’t missed a pic since.  I know why I send these pics and I genuinely want to send them.  They are normal pics where he gets to see my smiling face, so easy to take.

The way he handled it was to drive home my goal for pleasing him and remind me of the task at the same time.  This was discipline that taught a lesson. And I’m grateful for my wonderful Sir that he understood punishment would not correct the forgetfulness or remind me of the joy we both have in the task to begin with.

If anyone else would like to share their thoughts on this, it could be a great discussion.

His Little One

little oneWords have so big an impact and these two little words have had a huge one on me.

Years ago, someone who meant the world to me called me them and I always felt the warmth of them. However, it was a moniker because I was short. (yeah it was funny). Then one day he stopped using the term and I didn’t feel its loss.  Over time, I heard many other subs being called Little One and it seemed with such love a care. It always brought a smile to my face.

Now I am Little One again and it means so much more to me to hear it.  It reaches into my soul and lights that spark that keeps me warm and alive. It provides me comfort when I’m sad or exhausted. It reminds me how much D loves me and cares for me. It reminds me that he found my Little and that he intends to cherish her needs too. It reminds me that I need to accept her and let her have fun. And it reminds me of how protected my Little really is, with me and D and with our friends and those we care about.

Waking up to good morning my little one, or goodnight little one, is such a wonderful simple thing that reminds me of all that I have to be grateful for.

The official collaring

My collar

My collar

Without fanfare and without any formal ceremony, D collared me.  I know he wanted my friends around and make it more of a celebration, but sometimes the most important moments, need to be simple and private.

My collar is a simple antique style key with some modern elements (the flames). Hanging on a simple silver chain.  And I love it.

Far nicer than the bling he originally wanted that was backordered then cancelled.  He still wants to get a nicer chain and a lock so others see the symbolism.

I knew it was coming since it was my birthday gift (over a month ago) and so the words were spoken when he put a little band around my wrist.  This collaring was while out at the PA Renaissance Faire and we’d been shopping, enjoying mulled wine, crisp autumn day and being together.  We stumbled on the key and we knew it was perfect.   We went over to a picnic table and he placed it around my neck.  Its amazing how something so simple can have such deep meaning and love.

Happy collared little sub.

Corner time

corner

As a sub, I accept punishments and in fact know I need them to find closure in mistakes made.  Learning more and more about my little and allowing her needs to be met has resulted in finding different ways to punish infractions.  Corner time was the latest.

I arrived at D’s place, after a very long grueling week of us both being very busy and not seeing each other, all I wanted was to curl up in his arms and melt all that stress away.  I knew we had to go shopping before any real relaxing could happen but those initial moments of needing the world to fall off my shoulders was longed for.  And of course I got it, but only partially.  D gave me that much needed hug, the one we both desired and it put us in the frame of mind needed.  However, he said that we had to take care of a punishment first for forgetting my task the day before.  Huff!

I honestly thought I had done it, but in that moment, I suddenly felt like a little girl. I’d been this strong, together, busy woman all week, needing nothing and no one….. and that mere mention of a punishment had me shrink down to the 10 yr old that my little seems to be.  D caught this and decided that my punishment would be sitting in a corner alone until he came back for me.

In those 5 or so minutes of sitting there, the emotions pooled and tears dripped down my face. I hated that I forgot my task yet again.  I hated that he had to punish me when we needed to be together. I let myself down and I let him down.

When he came back to get me, I whispered that I was sorry and his arms, already around me, hugged me a little tighter.  He whispered my forgiveness and said that the punishment was very hard on him too.  We hugged and let those moments be what they were.  A re-grouping of ourselves.

Later we talked a bit more and he said he would understand if I hated him for that punishment.  I didn’t hate him for it, I valued him for it.  I hated the punishment, but not him.  What he meant what hating him for the timing of the punishment.  Yeah, I guess I did hate that part too.  But honestly, it was best to get it over with so we could focus on what we really needed and it put me (and my little) in the right frame of mind for the rest of the weekend.  Thank you Sir.

Does your little have needs that surprise you?

Our Contract

I’ve been asked to share the agreement/ contract that D and I signed utilizing wonderful contracts written by others and adding in our own pieces of the puzzle.

Dominant and submissive Agreement

Created on August 16, 2014

This document serves as an agreement which defines in specific terms the power exchange relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the submissive and the Dominant. This agreement is only binding between the two people signed below. This agreement is entered voluntarily with both parties agreeing to the conditions.

This agreement is intended to guide the two individuals on their journey together, and while the primary intention is to please the Dominant, it is also intended to shape the submissive into a better, happier, and stronger woman, and to help the couple grow together spiritually, lovingly, mentally, and physically. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of the relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consent. Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of 6 months. At its expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

  Section I: The Dominant’s role

a)      The Dominant agrees to care for the submissive to include tending to the physical safety and emotional and mental well-being of the submissive as long as He owns the submissive.

b)      The Dominant also accepts the commitment to treat the submissive properly, to train and discipline the submissive, punish the submissive, love the submissive, and use the submissive as He sees fit.

c)      The Dominant accepts the responsibility to use His power to mold and shape the submissive, assist the submissive to grow in strength, character, confidence and being, and to help her become a better woman in all areas of her life.

d)     The Dominant will not ever purposefully ignore the submissive.

e)      It shall be the Dominant’s duty, with applicable assistance from the submissive, to watch for and prevent any mental or emotional trauma which may stem from the condition of servitude, activities within the condition of service, or any other variable that is based within the confines of this contract.

f)       The Dominant will be faithful to the submissive, and will be honest and loyal to her at all times.

g)      The Dominant will always be open to the submissive’s concerns and thoughts, worries and stresses, and will encourage her to always open up and express her feelings and concerns to Him without fear of punishment.

h)   The Dominant agrees to not submit the submissive to a session when he might not be in the proper frame of mind to administer it.

i)     The Dominant will always support the submissive through encouragement in her relationships with family and friends as well as through her career.

j)      The Dominant will not keep the submissive or their relationship isolated from other aspects of his daily life.

 Section II: The submissive’s role

a)      The primary purpose of the submissive is to serve, obey, and please the Dominant, in a manner seem fit by the Dominant.

b)      The submissive will put her entire trust into the Dominant with the knowledge that He will never betray that trust.

c)      The submissive shall follow rules, rituals and guidelines as established by the Dominant, with the understanding that breaking a rule, ritual or guideline will lead to some form of punishment as dictated by the Dominant.

d)     The submissive agrees to follow the direction and commands from the Dominant both in and out of the bedroom.

e)      The submissive will always respond to the sexual needs of the Dominant at any time in any manner that he sees fit, unless responding to His needs violates any other aspect of this contract. This includes engaging in sexual activities with the Dominant that might be outside of her comfort zone but she will do them as they please him.

f)       The submissive will be faithful to the Dominant and will be honest and loyal to him at all times.

g)      The submissive will at all times act in a manner that is respectful of the Dominant, to include manners of speech, promptness, proper answers, obedience, loyalty, and honesty, with the understanding between both of them that the submissive shall not have to necessarily alter her personality.

h)      The submissive will take proper care of her body in a manner that is pleasing to the Dominant and with guidance from him if necessary.

i)        If the situation feels warranted by the Dominant, the Dominant may demand the submissive make other adjustments to lifestyle.

j)        When not in His presence, the submissive will maintain regular contact with the Dominant, to include informing Him of her schedule and activities. Regular contact is to include phone calls, text messages, or emails. The submissive will do everything in her capacity to respond promptly to all communications from the Dominant, and must never make the Dominant feel ignored by her.

k)    The submissive will not keep the Dominant or their relationship isolated from other aspects of her daily life.

l)        His reliance on safewords obligates me to use them and I Promise to do so. I will use “yellow” as a warning word to request that the Dominant slow down, ease up, or change direction while continuing the session. I will use “red” to immediately end a scene or session

m)    Additionally, the submissive agrees to the following:

a.       To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with her capability to serve the Dominant and limit her growth as his submissive

b.      To reveal her thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment

c.       To inform the Dominant of her wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied

d.      To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals

e.       To work with the Dominant to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual

f.       To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims

 Section III: Other Partners

The Dominant understands that the submissive entered the relationship with a Polyamorous tendency.  The submissive agrees to discuss any potential partner with the Dominant and develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

The Dominant expresses desire and interest in the submissive having other intimate partners. The Dominant agrees that any intimate partner of his choosing must agree to all hard limits and treat submissive with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship. The submissive agrees that any intimate partner of her choosing will treat her with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship and accepting of the boundaries established by the Dominant.

The Dominant agrees that any partner for himself will be discussed in advance with the submissive and will develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

 Section IV:  Limits

The Dominant and submissive have discussed and provided one another a listing of hard limits.  It is agreed upon that these limits include no permanent marks or piercings, no permanent bodily harm, no illegal activities or any play involving children or animals, no play involving blood, scat or direct fire.

 Section V:  Punishments

The submissive and the Dominant agree that appropriate punishments are necessary for the growth of the submissive. Punishments are dependent on the severity of the infraction. Punishments will be used to change the behavior and remind the submissive of this agreement.

Dominant will inform submissive that she is being punished when punishment occurs. He will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. The Dominant agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the submissive, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

 Section VI: Alteration of contract

This contract may not be altered, except when both Dominant and submissive jointly agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.

 Section VII: Termination of Contract

Should either Dominant or submissive find that their aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement.

We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and/or lovers. Should the relationship as lovers and/or friends terminate, this agreement becomes null and void.

Upon cancellation, each agree to offer the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

 Section VIII: submissive’s signature

With a free mind and open heart; do request of Dominant that he accept the submission of my will unto him and take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and in no way diminish my own responsibilities toward making use of my potential.

Signature____________________________________________  Date_______

 Section IX: Dominant’s signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall command her, train her, love her, and punish her as a submissive. I shall always treat her with respect. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the submissive as long as she is mine.

Signature____________________________________________  Date________

 

GOALS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.    To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.    To continue working on her patience.

 

GOALS FOR THE DOMINANT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.         To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.         To be more available in order to grow and strengthen the relationship

 

Signed in Ink

contract

 

Without fanfare the contract has been signed.  We spent time reading over it, and a planned discussion kept being postponed. This past weekend we sat down asked each other if there was anything they wanted to change, add or delete.  Hearing none, it was done.  We signed each other’s copies.  Then we kissed.  It was as simple as that.

In spite of the lack of ceremony around it, I have to say that in my pulling this contract together, it is a testament to how much we have discussed what is important to each of us.  I was able to add what I’ve heard were his important points and I could add my own. There were no surprises.  Clearly our communication is working.  (happy little things).

In putting together this particular contract, I did consider many things as I talked about in Writing the Contract however, I wanted the right words, and I wanted to use a format that made sense.  So I took a look at what I could find in the blogs here and by searching on Google.  I found three or four that various points hit home with me and that’s what I used to shape the contract for D and i.  After putting in those points, I went through to edit them to be true to us.  I went through a second time to add in our specifics based on our communications.  I went through a third time to edit the format. 

In one example I had looked at they created goals for the term of the contract.  I loved this idea and incorporated it post signature as the goals are not part of the definition of our dynamic, more they give us a starting point.  I put things for him that I know he wishes to accomplish and that I wish for him to focus on.  He did the same for me. 

So while no fanfare, no cheering, no ribbon cutting ceremonies.  D and i have a wonderful Dominance/submissive contract to start us off.  This one is termed at 6 months because we are still new to each other and I felt in 6 mos. we may want to make adjustments to it.  This forces us to face things at that time. 

Happy Dom, happy sub.

 

Writing the Contract

contract

A Dominant / submissive contract is a task in reflection, intention, motivation and emotion.  It’s a chance for growth.

Before you even begin to write a D/s or M/s contract there are some things that you need to reflect upon. These are a few that I spent time on as I’ve been tasked with writing an agreement for D and I. Of course both of us had to do these things and discuss them before anything went down on paper.

You reflect back on past relationships, what worked, what didn’t.

You reflect on how you’ve grown as a person.

You reflect on what you need now.

You reflect on what you need from your partner.

What are your intentions in creating a contract? Is it a contract or an agreement? What is the term or length intended?  There are many questions that you have to ask yourselves.

What are your roles and responsibilities to each other and relationship overall?

What are your limits?

How will you treat amending or terminating the agreement?

How detailed do you want it to be?  Rules, rituals, guidelines spelled out or noted in general terms?

Expectations regarding other partner?

How are punishments acknowledged and handled?

To engage in the D/s or M/s lifestyle requires a level of motivation. There are needs, wants and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive.  What are yours?  What are your must haves?

Some things I needed to include for myself involved ensuring that the language used expressed that there is a full relationship here, not just for scenes/play.  Love, cherishing and respect were large factors in my motivation as his submissive. Language of inclusion in each other’s daily lives was a motivator (not because we aren’t doing that, but to ensure it remains a part of our dynamic). I also wanted to ensure that my relationships with family, friends and my career were considerations so that I do not lose myself in our relationship (not for him, but for myself).  For him, my obedience in and out of the bedroom is ensured for our power exchange dynamic to work. He wanted to ensure I’d safeword if necessary. He also has identified walls that he is carefully dismantling and so language on my agreement to overcome some of these obstacles is written in.  We even included goals for one another for the duration of the agreement.

This task is overall an emotional one.  You dig deep into your past, present and hopes for your future together. For me, there were emotional things from my past that I wanted to ensure would not be present in our future.  Challenges in our present that we don’t want to negatively effect us. For me, the emotions I’m feeling are of joy, pleasure and hope. There is nervousness for the intentions we’ve voiced to be put out there in black and white, signed in ink.  But, note the emotions are positive ones.  If there was any negativity, hesitation or fears, this would not be signed. We’d have to address those concerns and alter the contract until the emotions are all positive.

So this weekend, D and I will sit down and review this together. We will go section by section and ensure our joint agreement. We will adjust as needed (likely minimal as this was previewed individually before editing). We know its content.  We will add to our goals for the duration of our agreement (6 months for this first contract). And our intention is to sign it and to begin this next phase of our relationship.

For some, their contracts will include language that the Dominant will provide a token of his ownership over the submissive, such as a collar.  While D and I have discussed collaring (don’t know if he has that planned for this weekend or not), but I didn’t want that included.  I personally felt the collaring is a separate event and it being a material item that I didn’t feel should be a motivator for the relationship.  JMHO.

Stay tuned….