Bumps in the Road

Mt Everest Climb

Why does bumps in the road sometimes feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

When it comes to relationships, bumps in the road happen.  They are faced and dealt with and you get past them.  If you are smart enough to see that the road keeps going beyond the bump, that is.  I face most things this way, seeing past the bump and moving on while learning from it at the same time.

Recently, daddy and i had a bump in our road.  He understood that and he worked to get us past it and moving forward.  Ok, this bump was more like a hill or steep incline…. but nevertheless, I saw it as the tallest mountain to climb and no road beyond the top of it, so we would have to build from scratch.

As a little and a submissive with next to no patience, I didn’t like the mountain climb only to have to rebuild everything we spent a year building.  It seems unfair and I want the happy journey we were on to continue.  Waiting for Daddy to take the ropes and decide where to start.

What I didn’t see or conceptualize is that Daddy got us safely over the hill, no ropes needed and we could continue on our journey as the road was already built for us.  I only had to turn around to see it instead of looking off in the distance.

How many times have you thought things were worse than they were? How did you handle them? What prompted you to see what was in plain sight?

Thank you Daddy for helping me to see you had us through all of this and still do.

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Connected once again

 

My center has been connected once again.  Yay!  The reconnection and pulling from within was a journey of its own.

Feeling like you lost your submission is depressing and anxiety provoking. At least it was for me.  It was also challenging for D as he had to contend with my moods and my lashing out.  However, we worked together and while I’m sure there is still work to do, I at least feel myself again and the connection is there.

Through discipline, lots of talking and working on our contract renewal helped to piece back the puzzle that is me.  Sir’s reminders that I am His, that I am worthy and that he had me helped me feel safe and loved. For some, this might have been all that was needed. For me, I needed more.  Some mild discipline also helped but without him standing firm that the behavior has to change, was not enough. I exhibited very bratty behavior and couldn’t understand why. I broke some rules even.  I needed Him to stand firm and put his foot down.  I needed rules and consequences. I needed Him to take back the control.

Our contract renewal involved laying out rules, protocol and rituals that had been absent from our first one.  This involved understanding one another and what it means to our relationship. This humbled me and allowed me to open up to Him.  An intense scene followed and the final piece fell into place.

I no longer wanted to be in control.  Once he took that back, I felt calmer. I felt more myself. I felt connected to my submission and to my Owner.

Thank you Sir.

Craving Desires

desire

I’m insatiable!

Lately, I’ve been struggling with being a little and being a very sexual submissive. My sexual desire are strong, they are always present and they are a craving, a true need. It is overpowering at times.

I need it strong, feral even. My little side on the other hand needs cuddles, needs playful interactions and likes it soft and sensual.  Can the two blend?  Yes they can, tho sometimes the blend needs to be put aside and the raw, feral, primal need to be manhandled.

Recently, Daddy didn’t sate those needs because he felt that I truly needed just to be held, cuddled and shown love and care. I know he was right, but these other needs are ever present. They don’t dim, they don’t go away.  He feels that I allow these needs to cover up what I really need and give myself the false sense of taking care of them through this animalistic desire.

To some degree he is correct. My experiences have built up to that. My marriage was good and the sex was frequent and good. But I never let my darker needs out nor did I acknowledge my little.  In my last D/s relationship it was all about the sex and his needs, which mirrored my carnal desires. Yet that’s where it ended. We were sexual soul mates but not heartfelt soul mates. He understood me through my desires, my needs, my cravings, but he never understood my heart.

Daddy understand it all. He can sate all of these needs. He listens, he observes and he wants what is best for me in every moment. He puts me first.  He cherishes me.

He touches my heart, soothes its wounds, quiets my mind, comforts my worries, puts out my fears and shows me love in a way no one else ever has.  I love you Daddy.

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Polyamory and being a Little

Thought of the day – can I still be polyamorous now that my little is roaming free?

As I ponder this thought and ask if anyone has any insights to share…. I’ll provide a brief background.

Several years ago,  I allowed by submissive nature to flourish. I gave it the freedom from the box I kept it hidden in.  I ventured into the lifestyle of D/s and fell in love with a Polyamorous Dominant.  I became a member of a poly family.  No we did not live together and we kept it very hush hush.  The Dom was poly, and his subs were monogamous to him. If bi- they could play together with his permission.  Being a straight newbie, I thought this made sense.  I did not question it. Too often I heard the phrase “you are not poly” said to me in disdain.  Eventually the Dom and I broke up because I couldn’t cut it in his family.

I spent the next two years, involved with the poly community in my area as many of my friends are poly and I wanted to know why was I not poly.  Come to find out that yes I am. I just wasn’t his version of poly.  This was an a-ha moment at a PolyLiving Conference.

See I believed in polyamory – multiple loves.  Your heart cannot be told who to love and who not to.  Some of those loves may be romantic partners, some may be very good friends that you consider family. Some may be your Dom and or sister subs.  It is just like the D/s lifestyle, it is what suits you.  Through the conference, the community and friends, I have found a place in the world where I fit in.  I believe that love is freedom and if you place it in a cage, it cannot flourish.  That is not to say that one becomes promiscuous either.  It simply means, if you fall in love, allow it to happen.

When Sir and I got together, I told him I was poly and had a small group of poly friends that I consider my chosen family as well as a poly community where I am an active member.  He did not waver, in spite of not being poly himself.  This allowed us to really dig in and talk about things.  We worked things out and I was allowed to have another partner so long as our boundaries and rules were adhered to.  It has worked out nicely as his rules are fair and he is always approachable to talk.

Now with my little out and about, I feel myself questioning poly all over again. Can I be poly and in my little state?  Can she handle it? Poly takes work, it takes control of your emotions. She isn’t good with that.  In hindsight, that might have been what happened in my first poly family attempt – my little ran my emotions without my acknowledgement of her.

I don’t know what the answer is right now. I’m sure I will be exploring this further……

Lessons Learned

discipline

Punishment and Discipline – Not the same thing

This writing started off with the concept of discussing punishments that I have heard about or been subjected to.  And as luck would have it, I learned a lesson of my own.

I looked up images on the topic of punishment to find one to add to this post. And I saw pictures or drawings from typical spanking of adults and parents spanking children. However, I also saw images of pure torture. Hangings, severe beatings etc. So I stopped and gathered myself and looked up images on the topic of discipline. What I found was far more supportive and likely to provide a lesson.

Years ago, a friend of mine received a punishment because she spoke up to a Dom because of things she felt strongly about. He decided to punish her with breaking a limit she had. He also had another there that he gave pleasure to as a way to show her what she was missing out on. When he left the room, he told the one being punished that she now had to deal with the emotions of the one who wasn’t being punished.  How was this this going to help any of them?  What lesson did it teach?  To my knowledge – None.  It did form a friendship bond between the two women – who tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to this past year, and the sub who was used for pleasure was now being punished for not being available when he wanted her to be (she wasn’t owned by him anymore) and he used a similar punishment.  He punished her by making her please him while he was kissing and paying attention to another sub. He wanted to hurt her emotionally for not being available. Instead what he did was push her away and it changed her views on him and she left him.  Granted a lesson learned, but not the one the Dom sought to teach her.

This is punishment – it is done in anger and without thought given to what lesson needs to be learned. No growth happens.  Fear and/or distrust is the result.

Unlike punishment, discipline is done with intention. Whether it is self-discipline or at the hands of your Dom, the intention is to help you grow and achieve the goals you have.

For example, I have a rule about sending 2 pics a day to Sir. I have the option of asking for a reprieve when overly busy or sick. So there is no reason for me to miss sending them. Except I often forget.  So the last time I forgot, I had to send a picture every hour throughout my day except those that I was in meetings.  This lesson was learned and I haven’t missed a pic since.  I know why I send these pics and I genuinely want to send them.  They are normal pics where he gets to see my smiling face, so easy to take.

The way he handled it was to drive home my goal for pleasing him and remind me of the task at the same time.  This was discipline that taught a lesson. And I’m grateful for my wonderful Sir that he understood punishment would not correct the forgetfulness or remind me of the joy we both have in the task to begin with.

If anyone else would like to share their thoughts on this, it could be a great discussion.

Passion = Suffering

passionBeing a pleasure slave, many of my tasks are to either provide D pleasure or to receive it. Even when apart.  Sometimes this involves lots of easy, fun tasks and others involve a bit of suffering.  That’s why the quote above is so appropriate.

Today is one of those days.  I was given a bunch of tasks to complete by the end of the work day.  Some of these had to do with accomplishing some reading goals that I need to reach, others were to help him with his upcoming move.  Yet others were focused solely on sexual pleasure.

The task was to pick a toy or object of choice and use it to stimulate all erogenous zones, send a note with a complete description and the result of the stimulation.   This is a fun, arousing, exciting task….. and it feeds his sadistic streak.  So I know he is getting lots of pleasure reading the various notes.  I too received much pleasure as a result.

I was so proud of myself, I accomplished all the tasks by mid day…. He was pleased.  But instead of giving me the afternoon off, he gave me more.  These were far more intense, by adding our essential oil mix to it, causing a heated yet cold tingle to add to my overly aroused spots.  Its so hard to focus when all I want is the release from all this pent up arousal….  And I still have to wait another two days.

If passion means to suffer for it…. then I’m there and beyond. I told D, if he was here I’d be in ecstasy… since he isn’t, I’m cursing him. But the reality is I love these kinds of tasks, shhhh don’t tell Him.

His

torment

I am His!

How do I know?

He shuts me up with a look
with a kiss
with a whisper

He takes what he wants with a smile
with a spark in his eye

He is rough
demanding
unapologetic

He leaves me in a heap
of mindless pleasure
wet
breathless
at peace

Yes I am His
to do with as he pleases

Thank you Sir

The Clearing

I’m not one to ask for or typically enjoy being spanked.  Never quite been my thing because I despise sting.  So when D mentioned regular discipline I hesitated and continuously changed the subject.  I didn’t want to discuss it let alone experience it.

I’ve written before that I had one experience with being spanked to tears and it being a release. It was needed. I’d been overwhelmed and not myself.  I didn’t see that as discipline because in 6 years it only happened once.  So I did not connect the two dots.

The past few weeks, I’ve been kinda bratty with D and its bothered me. We talked about it and I realized that because I’m no longer in a relationship that is emotionally abusive to me, I don’t have the outlet for tears, stress, etc.  Because things are in a good, happy and growing stage with D, I haven’t needed to cry things out but my mind needs that clearing.

So this weekend before a BBQ with friends, D decided I needed a spanking.  In his arms cuddled, I bolted upright asking what did I do?  He smiled and said because I want to.

He led me into another room with a very sturdy chair and had me bend over using the arms to hold myself from falling.  He caressed and relaxed me before delivering what seemed like many blows to my ass and surrounding sensitive skin.  Commenting on a nice shade of red.  I squirmed and he adamantly told me to be still.  Knowing that I wasn’t going to disobey and he wasn’t going to back off, I gave into it. I let the smacks reign down.  He let one or two smacks to very sensitive areas that left a single handprint.  I jolted from those, but the rest I let my mind clear of all the things going on in it.  He took off his belt and scared me by snapping it. He liked my reaction, but he only used it lightly to deliver some light thuddy swats.

Then he took me from behind in a very feral, needy way.  I was gone….. nothing left in this head of mine but pure connected energy.  Knees buckled, breathing shallow, orgasm building… smacks still delivered. He whispered in my ear asking if I was okay, I nodded.  I was heading to subspace.

Unfortunately we had to end as guests would be arriving so after one explosive orgasm each, I fell into the chair.  We then went to the sofa to cuddle and enjoy the aftermath.  Somewhere along the line I thanked him and he chuckled.

He knew I needed this and he didn’t give in to my resistance…. he cleared my mind and now we both want more…

Pouting…

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You know those moments, when your Dom says something that you aren’t happy about and without thinking you pout.  Either you aren’t getting what you want, or you just learned something that disappoints you…. whatever it might be…. you stick out your bottom lip to express your emotions.

I rarely realize I’m doing it.  So the other day I’m with D and he tells me my punishment for my brattiness of late, and while nodding my understanding, I also pouted.  He reprimanded me that I was not to pout.  Then he was teasing me and I pouted again….  He reminded me.  Well I did it again….. and that time I realized before he spoke. I put my hand over my mouth and apologized…..   Nope he wasn’t having it. Right there in the car I had to endure a few smacks to my bottom.   Embarrassed and confused because I don’t realize I’m pouting, he simply wasn’t going to let it go on.   Not a minute after he brought up my punishment again and I pouted yet again.  Ugh!  This time he laughed and let it slide because I did try to catch it in mid pout.

I’m not used to being punished and even more so for little things like pouting….  I think I’ve met my match in D

Brat Comes Out and forgetting a task…

I’m not normally a bratty sub.  I don’t tend to brat to get attention (not intentionally anyway). So its odd that I find that my brat is peeking out with my new Dom.

Why is that?   A few thoughts have come to mind…. but before I get to my reasons, I thought I’d ask all of you…. what brings out your brat (or your sub’s brat)?

My own analysis of this, is a combination of a few things….

  • I’m happy and more carefree than in previous relationships
  • I’m feeling secure in his interest in me
  • I’m comfortable being me….. playful, snarky, teasing, cheesy
  • I’m testing the waters a bit in getting to know him better (want to see his dark side)
  • I’m craving…..  rules, use, to show me who is in charge

Now keep in mind we’ve only been together two months and we’ve taken some things slow.  Mainly because I’ve never dated someone I didn’t know as a friend first, so this is new territory for me. We also live an hour away from each other.  And we’ve had other life things going on requiring our time/attention.  So while I have daily tasks and there is daily communication, there aren’t “rules” yet.

This week I did something I’ve never done before…. and it bothers me.   I forgot a task.  I could make excuses up, but that’s all they are.  The worst was the task is a fun one.  But I completely forgot about it until he asked how I was doing with it at the end of the day. Boy did I feel bad.  He keeps telling me its okay, he will make sure I don’t forget again.  He asked me what I thought a proper punishment should be.  I don’t know…. never been punished for forgetting a task, let alone a fun one. However, I do feel relieved that he will punish me after he returns home from his trip and we see each other next. I screwed up and I know the only way to feel better is to accept the consequences of my disobedience.

So again, I ask what causes your brat (or Your sub’s brat) to come out.  Is it intentional or not?  Also, have you (or Your sub) forgotten a task?  if so, what types of punishment was appropriately administered?  (of course if you are up for sharing).