Architecting your relationship

As D and I are working on amending our contract to further reflect who we are as a couple and how we want to build our relationship, I realized it is like drafting blueprints. In today’s business world you architect solutions to solve workplace problems.  Is it any different for your relationships?

To architect your relationship, the client and the architect (Dominant and submissive playing both parts) must sit down and decide what it is they want.  What are the goals, the purpose? What needs and desires must this fulfill? What else matters to them?  These conversations create the concept.

Then they put all that together to create the image, what it could look like and how it can be laid out.  The rough draft, so to speak.  Things get moved around, discussed further and tweaked until they feel that it solidifies what they were seeking.

From there a formal drawing (contract) is created. Still more tweaks are necessary as the specific language, formatting and style are determined, much like when the engineer gets a hold of the drawings.

Once all is agreed upon and the drawings are signed off on, its time to ready and pour the foundation.  Timing, weather, materials and several other factors will determine when building can begin.

As you begin to build, is everything done precisely as drawn out?  Most likely the answer is no.  Many find there are other things they want or need at this point that they did not know at the beginning. New rules might need adhered to or established. It is truly an on-going conversation and the need for flexibility in the process is critical.

This is where D and I find ourselves.  We had a great contract that met all of our needs when written out, but have found that there are other aspects that we did not take into account. While our relationship is growing and evolving, so too must our D/s agreement and what we need and desire from one another and from our dynamic.  Our relationship is deeper than many vanilla relationships and because of that the foundation we have already built needs expanded and with rough terrain at times, we need to account for that so that our structure that we are building will stand firm against the elements and stand the test of time.

So here is to architecting your relationships, just as you would building your home from scratch. Dream it, draw it, tweak it, pour it and build it to meet your goals, needs and desires.

Cheers!

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Day to day

This is terrifically written and I can so relate to the brat, the obedient sub and the professional. Thank you for sharing.

Respectfully Submitted

Prompt Set #134

– Do adversities amplify your submissive tendencies, or submerge them?

Both as a wife and as a submissive, adversities tend to submerge my submissive tendencies.  This is one of the areas where the lines between the egalitarian h/w relationship and the D/s relationship are sometimes hazy.  It is hard to even describe.  There are times when as a wife, there is a challenging situation that has kicked my butt and I am on the ground.  I am balling on the inside, but you see a woman with a steely resolve and a cold demeanor on the outside.  After over a decade together, my husband sees this and offers the figurative hand to pick me up.  Heck, he waves the hand or even straight up bear hugs me.  I push him away.  I find that it is at the end of the day during His time, that I…

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Craving Desires

desire

I’m insatiable!

Lately, I’ve been struggling with being a little and being a very sexual submissive. My sexual desire are strong, they are always present and they are a craving, a true need. It is overpowering at times.

I need it strong, feral even. My little side on the other hand needs cuddles, needs playful interactions and likes it soft and sensual.  Can the two blend?  Yes they can, tho sometimes the blend needs to be put aside and the raw, feral, primal need to be manhandled.

Recently, Daddy didn’t sate those needs because he felt that I truly needed just to be held, cuddled and shown love and care. I know he was right, but these other needs are ever present. They don’t dim, they don’t go away.  He feels that I allow these needs to cover up what I really need and give myself the false sense of taking care of them through this animalistic desire.

To some degree he is correct. My experiences have built up to that. My marriage was good and the sex was frequent and good. But I never let my darker needs out nor did I acknowledge my little.  In my last D/s relationship it was all about the sex and his needs, which mirrored my carnal desires. Yet that’s where it ended. We were sexual soul mates but not heartfelt soul mates. He understood me through my desires, my needs, my cravings, but he never understood my heart.

Daddy understand it all. He can sate all of these needs. He listens, he observes and he wants what is best for me in every moment. He puts me first.  He cherishes me.

He touches my heart, soothes its wounds, quiets my mind, comforts my worries, puts out my fears and shows me love in a way no one else ever has.  I love you Daddy.

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Abandonment issues

alone

Many subs have abandonment issues and we all individually explore where they come from.  I’m no exception. However, mine never made sense.

While my parents divorced when I was young, there was still a connection to my dad. My mom didn’t work and she was always home for us. So where did they step from?

My therapist believed and helped me to see that while there was a presence of my parents, they weren’t always emotionally available to me and that abandonment issues could be a result from that form of childhood.  This made sense but still didn’t feel right to me.  Yet I could never explain it.

Last night Daddy and I were curled up together and talking after a bit of an intense play session. During this session, he would warm me up and I’d relax into the lovely flogging or other wonderfully wicked things he had planned only to have him jolt me out of the zone because he’d switch to stingy or to a certain spot that I do not enjoy. When I’d jolt out, he’d go back to a wonderful rhythm that I could let go.  Over and over this went until finally I said enough.  I didn’t safe word, but he knew that I wasn’t enjoying.  He held me and reassured me I was ok, which I was and that he wondered when I was going to hit that breaking point.

I was angry at him for the back and forth of zone, jolt, zone, jolt.  I was not my happy, in the moment sub self. I didn’t want to be mad at him.  As the emotions of anger and submissiveness warred within me, I collapsed against his leg and I couldn’t cry nor could I shout. He was calmly letting me know it was okay to be angry at him, it was okay to express those feelings and that I would soon understand that and it would bring us closer.

This play session was about him building up emotions that I don’t normally express, that I suppress and forcing me to let them out, so as to break down another wall and let him in.  I didn’t get it. I listened to his words and they felt right but did not make sense at the time.

As we laid there in each other’s arms, we talked about why I have the wall to begin with. Why I need to protect myself from angry emotions. The real answer is I’ve always been this way, so I don’t know.  He already knew this which is why we had to break down the wall instead of me letting him in.  This led to a discussion of my fears of abandonment and if I let out my anger emotions then why would anyone wish to stay around.

He asked me if he was mad at me for showing my angry emotions during play. No daddy.  Was he still there reassuring me that all was good?  Yes daddy.  In fact he was telling me that I was a good girl for sharing those emotions and not suppressing them.  In fact I noticed that he was happy that I told him I wasn’t enjoying the session.  I wasn’t, but he was.  Hmmm…

Then he asked me again about my abandonment issues and I told him what my therapist believed and he said he could understand where one would believe those things and yes it made sense. I let him know yes it does, but doesn’t’ feel right. And that’s when he gave me a whole new insight.

Its possible my abandonment issues are a result of my keeping my adult and my little so separated in my mind. I kept two different sides of me apart my whole life. I grew up too fast and that led to me pushing my childhood aside.  As he expressed his thoughts, I felt that he was right.  I finally felt that there was something to that thought process and a way to make sense of these “unfounded” fears that I had.

As my adult and little make peace with one another, I believe my fears will ease up considerably.  Its wonderful having someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

Lessons Learned

discipline

Punishment and Discipline – Not the same thing

This writing started off with the concept of discussing punishments that I have heard about or been subjected to.  And as luck would have it, I learned a lesson of my own.

I looked up images on the topic of punishment to find one to add to this post. And I saw pictures or drawings from typical spanking of adults and parents spanking children. However, I also saw images of pure torture. Hangings, severe beatings etc. So I stopped and gathered myself and looked up images on the topic of discipline. What I found was far more supportive and likely to provide a lesson.

Years ago, a friend of mine received a punishment because she spoke up to a Dom because of things she felt strongly about. He decided to punish her with breaking a limit she had. He also had another there that he gave pleasure to as a way to show her what she was missing out on. When he left the room, he told the one being punished that she now had to deal with the emotions of the one who wasn’t being punished.  How was this this going to help any of them?  What lesson did it teach?  To my knowledge – None.  It did form a friendship bond between the two women – who tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to this past year, and the sub who was used for pleasure was now being punished for not being available when he wanted her to be (she wasn’t owned by him anymore) and he used a similar punishment.  He punished her by making her please him while he was kissing and paying attention to another sub. He wanted to hurt her emotionally for not being available. Instead what he did was push her away and it changed her views on him and she left him.  Granted a lesson learned, but not the one the Dom sought to teach her.

This is punishment – it is done in anger and without thought given to what lesson needs to be learned. No growth happens.  Fear and/or distrust is the result.

Unlike punishment, discipline is done with intention. Whether it is self-discipline or at the hands of your Dom, the intention is to help you grow and achieve the goals you have.

For example, I have a rule about sending 2 pics a day to Sir. I have the option of asking for a reprieve when overly busy or sick. So there is no reason for me to miss sending them. Except I often forget.  So the last time I forgot, I had to send a picture every hour throughout my day except those that I was in meetings.  This lesson was learned and I haven’t missed a pic since.  I know why I send these pics and I genuinely want to send them.  They are normal pics where he gets to see my smiling face, so easy to take.

The way he handled it was to drive home my goal for pleasing him and remind me of the task at the same time.  This was discipline that taught a lesson. And I’m grateful for my wonderful Sir that he understood punishment would not correct the forgetfulness or remind me of the joy we both have in the task to begin with.

If anyone else would like to share their thoughts on this, it could be a great discussion.

Daddy?

daddy

Should I call him Daddy?

What is the right name for my Master, my Owner, my Sir,  my lover, my boyfriend, my rock, my heart?  I’m his little one, his pet, his slave, his slut, his girlfriend and his rock.

Little one and pet fit me well, slut and slave is what I am.  Master fits, tho is very formal and does not feel right for conversation between the two of us.  Sir fits, tho I always feel like I’m being sarcastic when I say “yes Sir”.  I know I’m not or he would be correcting me, it just feels that way.  Owner, is what he is – he owns me. But its not a title to call him.  The rest are roles he plays.

So what do I call him?  Master and Sir feel solid to my slave/adult side. And its how I would refer to others in the lifestyle. Not in our one on one conversation.  Daddy…. well that is really hitting home to my little.  She wants to call him that badly, but adult side feels odd about it. Does this make sense?

I’d love to hear from Doms and littles alike on why the name Daddy fits.  My orderly logical adult needs to make sense of what my little is shouting to call my very loving, caring, protective, guiding, sadistically sensual One.

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A Post from my Sir…

His Little One

little oneWords have so big an impact and these two little words have had a huge one on me.

Years ago, someone who meant the world to me called me them and I always felt the warmth of them. However, it was a moniker because I was short. (yeah it was funny). Then one day he stopped using the term and I didn’t feel its loss.  Over time, I heard many other subs being called Little One and it seemed with such love a care. It always brought a smile to my face.

Now I am Little One again and it means so much more to me to hear it.  It reaches into my soul and lights that spark that keeps me warm and alive. It provides me comfort when I’m sad or exhausted. It reminds me how much D loves me and cares for me. It reminds me that he found my Little and that he intends to cherish her needs too. It reminds me that I need to accept her and let her have fun. And it reminds me of how protected my Little really is, with me and D and with our friends and those we care about.

Waking up to good morning my little one, or goodnight little one, is such a wonderful simple thing that reminds me of all that I have to be grateful for.

The official collaring

My collar

My collar

Without fanfare and without any formal ceremony, D collared me.  I know he wanted my friends around and make it more of a celebration, but sometimes the most important moments, need to be simple and private.

My collar is a simple antique style key with some modern elements (the flames). Hanging on a simple silver chain.  And I love it.

Far nicer than the bling he originally wanted that was backordered then cancelled.  He still wants to get a nicer chain and a lock so others see the symbolism.

I knew it was coming since it was my birthday gift (over a month ago) and so the words were spoken when he put a little band around my wrist.  This collaring was while out at the PA Renaissance Faire and we’d been shopping, enjoying mulled wine, crisp autumn day and being together.  We stumbled on the key and we knew it was perfect.   We went over to a picnic table and he placed it around my neck.  Its amazing how something so simple can have such deep meaning and love.

Happy collared little sub.

Our Contract

I’ve been asked to share the agreement/ contract that D and I signed utilizing wonderful contracts written by others and adding in our own pieces of the puzzle.

Dominant and submissive Agreement

Created on August 16, 2014

This document serves as an agreement which defines in specific terms the power exchange relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the submissive and the Dominant. This agreement is only binding between the two people signed below. This agreement is entered voluntarily with both parties agreeing to the conditions.

This agreement is intended to guide the two individuals on their journey together, and while the primary intention is to please the Dominant, it is also intended to shape the submissive into a better, happier, and stronger woman, and to help the couple grow together spiritually, lovingly, mentally, and physically. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of the relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consent. Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of 6 months. At its expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

  Section I: The Dominant’s role

a)      The Dominant agrees to care for the submissive to include tending to the physical safety and emotional and mental well-being of the submissive as long as He owns the submissive.

b)      The Dominant also accepts the commitment to treat the submissive properly, to train and discipline the submissive, punish the submissive, love the submissive, and use the submissive as He sees fit.

c)      The Dominant accepts the responsibility to use His power to mold and shape the submissive, assist the submissive to grow in strength, character, confidence and being, and to help her become a better woman in all areas of her life.

d)     The Dominant will not ever purposefully ignore the submissive.

e)      It shall be the Dominant’s duty, with applicable assistance from the submissive, to watch for and prevent any mental or emotional trauma which may stem from the condition of servitude, activities within the condition of service, or any other variable that is based within the confines of this contract.

f)       The Dominant will be faithful to the submissive, and will be honest and loyal to her at all times.

g)      The Dominant will always be open to the submissive’s concerns and thoughts, worries and stresses, and will encourage her to always open up and express her feelings and concerns to Him without fear of punishment.

h)   The Dominant agrees to not submit the submissive to a session when he might not be in the proper frame of mind to administer it.

i)     The Dominant will always support the submissive through encouragement in her relationships with family and friends as well as through her career.

j)      The Dominant will not keep the submissive or their relationship isolated from other aspects of his daily life.

 Section II: The submissive’s role

a)      The primary purpose of the submissive is to serve, obey, and please the Dominant, in a manner seem fit by the Dominant.

b)      The submissive will put her entire trust into the Dominant with the knowledge that He will never betray that trust.

c)      The submissive shall follow rules, rituals and guidelines as established by the Dominant, with the understanding that breaking a rule, ritual or guideline will lead to some form of punishment as dictated by the Dominant.

d)     The submissive agrees to follow the direction and commands from the Dominant both in and out of the bedroom.

e)      The submissive will always respond to the sexual needs of the Dominant at any time in any manner that he sees fit, unless responding to His needs violates any other aspect of this contract. This includes engaging in sexual activities with the Dominant that might be outside of her comfort zone but she will do them as they please him.

f)       The submissive will be faithful to the Dominant and will be honest and loyal to him at all times.

g)      The submissive will at all times act in a manner that is respectful of the Dominant, to include manners of speech, promptness, proper answers, obedience, loyalty, and honesty, with the understanding between both of them that the submissive shall not have to necessarily alter her personality.

h)      The submissive will take proper care of her body in a manner that is pleasing to the Dominant and with guidance from him if necessary.

i)        If the situation feels warranted by the Dominant, the Dominant may demand the submissive make other adjustments to lifestyle.

j)        When not in His presence, the submissive will maintain regular contact with the Dominant, to include informing Him of her schedule and activities. Regular contact is to include phone calls, text messages, or emails. The submissive will do everything in her capacity to respond promptly to all communications from the Dominant, and must never make the Dominant feel ignored by her.

k)    The submissive will not keep the Dominant or their relationship isolated from other aspects of her daily life.

l)        His reliance on safewords obligates me to use them and I Promise to do so. I will use “yellow” as a warning word to request that the Dominant slow down, ease up, or change direction while continuing the session. I will use “red” to immediately end a scene or session

m)    Additionally, the submissive agrees to the following:

a.       To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with her capability to serve the Dominant and limit her growth as his submissive

b.      To reveal her thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment

c.       To inform the Dominant of her wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied

d.      To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals

e.       To work with the Dominant to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual

f.       To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims

 Section III: Other Partners

The Dominant understands that the submissive entered the relationship with a Polyamorous tendency.  The submissive agrees to discuss any potential partner with the Dominant and develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

The Dominant expresses desire and interest in the submissive having other intimate partners. The Dominant agrees that any intimate partner of his choosing must agree to all hard limits and treat submissive with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship. The submissive agrees that any intimate partner of her choosing will treat her with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship and accepting of the boundaries established by the Dominant.

The Dominant agrees that any partner for himself will be discussed in advance with the submissive and will develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

 Section IV:  Limits

The Dominant and submissive have discussed and provided one another a listing of hard limits.  It is agreed upon that these limits include no permanent marks or piercings, no permanent bodily harm, no illegal activities or any play involving children or animals, no play involving blood, scat or direct fire.

 Section V:  Punishments

The submissive and the Dominant agree that appropriate punishments are necessary for the growth of the submissive. Punishments are dependent on the severity of the infraction. Punishments will be used to change the behavior and remind the submissive of this agreement.

Dominant will inform submissive that she is being punished when punishment occurs. He will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. The Dominant agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the submissive, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

 Section VI: Alteration of contract

This contract may not be altered, except when both Dominant and submissive jointly agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.

 Section VII: Termination of Contract

Should either Dominant or submissive find that their aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement.

We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and/or lovers. Should the relationship as lovers and/or friends terminate, this agreement becomes null and void.

Upon cancellation, each agree to offer the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

 Section VIII: submissive’s signature

With a free mind and open heart; do request of Dominant that he accept the submission of my will unto him and take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and in no way diminish my own responsibilities toward making use of my potential.

Signature____________________________________________  Date_______

 Section IX: Dominant’s signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall command her, train her, love her, and punish her as a submissive. I shall always treat her with respect. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the submissive as long as she is mine.

Signature____________________________________________  Date________

 

GOALS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.    To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.    To continue working on her patience.

 

GOALS FOR THE DOMINANT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.         To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.         To be more available in order to grow and strengthen the relationship