It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my journey. A lot has been going on and my heart and mind have been overwhelmed. I’ve shut down and I’ve not been a good submissive, girlfriend, lover, friend, etc. I focused on work and school to help me, and that further shut me down as I wasn’t being true to myself or the one I love.
I’m coming back to my senses and to myself thanks to my daddy. He isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes, little and big but he owns them and makes changes to fix them. He is my love, my world. He supports me even thru my mistakes. He helps me to see them, acknowledge them and grow from the experiences. He makes difficult decisions, including ones that I don’t like or cause me hurt feelings, but he does them with us in mind. He makes difficult decisions that are for us, to help us heal and move forward. He has so much strength and I honestly love him all the more.
Daddy is my rock, he deserves my respect and my love. He is “higher than I” because I gave him that gift. He is showing me what that means to him in ways I never could expect. He is showing me what a true Dominant is and should be. No one else has ever put me first in their lives and he not only makes me a priority but he is showing me unconditional love. A very new thing for me to experience. Thank you daddy.
While I know he only expects love and respect in return, I know I owe him far more than that for what he plans for us and me. I can only repay him by truly deepening my submission and trusting that he will only act in our best interests and he will protect me and my interests.
Daddy know that you are loved and valued. I will work with you to ensure our hurts are learned from and we move forward. I will work on myself to repair the parts broken. You are my world and I will honor you and you are honoring me. I am yours and you are mine.
Sometimes it is the simplest things in life that are truly so beautiful. I had the wonderful opportunity to be in NY with M (one of my partners) and while relaxing and enjoying the view, he snapped this lovely picture.
I normally do not like photos of myself, (D has been breaking me of that for the past year) and yet I really like this one. More for the view outside the window. However, he captured me so relaxed and quiet. That alone is quite beautiful and rare.
Happy Monday everyone! Back to the hectic, crazy schedule.
My center has been connected once again. Yay! The reconnection and pulling from within was a journey of its own.
Feeling like you lost your submission is depressing and anxiety provoking. At least it was for me. It was also challenging for D as he had to contend with my moods and my lashing out. However, we worked together and while I’m sure there is still work to do, I at least feel myself again and the connection is there.
Through discipline, lots of talking and working on our contract renewal helped to piece back the puzzle that is me. Sir’s reminders that I am His, that I am worthy and that he had me helped me feel safe and loved. For some, this might have been all that was needed. For me, I needed more. Some mild discipline also helped but without him standing firm that the behavior has to change, was not enough. I exhibited very bratty behavior and couldn’t understand why. I broke some rules even. I needed Him to stand firm and put his foot down. I needed rules and consequences. I needed Him to take back the control.
Our contract renewal involved laying out rules, protocol and rituals that had been absent from our first one. This involved understanding one another and what it means to our relationship. This humbled me and allowed me to open up to Him. An intense scene followed and the final piece fell into place.
I no longer wanted to be in control. Once he took that back, I felt calmer. I felt more myself. I felt connected to my submission and to my Owner.
Thank you Sir.
I’m in a phase of reconnecting to myself and my submission. The disconnect happened as a result of my need to be focused and very in control of my environment during a brutal 8 weeks of juggling a very complex group project.
Meditation and reflection helped keep me from losing my mind and becoming unbearable during those grueling weeks. My wonderful, loving D also helped immensely. However, neither of us realized just how hard I took that time frame and the disconnect that it brought. I know I felt off but couldn’t explain it. He knew I was stretched thin and mentally exhausted so didn’t push the snarky behavior I was exhibiting.
I knew my submission wasn’t lost for good, it just annoyed me that I couldn’t bring it out overnight. I have a need for self-perfection (not smart I know). Not feeling submissive, is not normal for me. I may be in charge at work or lead groups but I tend to always feel submissive even when I appear otherwise. This was the first time since I let my submissive out, so to speak, that I didn’t feel myself.
My Sir was wonderful and reminded me he had me and would get me through it all. And he has. I’m quite grateful to him for dealing with the crazy that I have been as of late and not taking it personally. And for helping me reconnect even if I don’t always like the methods to get there.
More to come….
It has been a while since I last posted. Life has gotten in the way. Being in grad school and having a capstone course these past few months has become a second full time job.
I have disconnected from my own submission to the point that I feel lost. My mind is filled with so much and the struggle to reconnect is not coming easy. I know it will return, I do not have doubts about that. It is who I am.
I’ve missed reading all of your blogs and writing. I’m looking forward to returning.