2017 – The year that I missed.

time flies This year has been a complete blur for me.  Not only was I incredibly busy the first few months of the year and the last few months of 2016 with work and life projects. I also spent 8.5 months of 2017 recovering from a horrible car accident. In fact, I’m still recovering.

When I reflect back on this year and what I did, I realize that I spent this year preparing myself for a better me, a more focused me, a more grateful me.  There have been some wonderful things that have happened this year too and I want them to shine.

Daddy and I bought a house.  This was a big thing for us and for our future together.  My children graduated college and high school this year and have moved on to the next step in their journeys. Some friendships became closer this year while other friends moved back to the outer fringes of our circle.  The wonderful ebb and flow of life. Daddy and I got a puppy who is so much a part of us in the 2.5 months we’ve had her. I can’t imagine life without her already.

What my recovery has taught me is how important my home life is to me – family and friends. How comfortable I want my surroundings to be. How life is meant to be about experiences, even simple ones. I’ve taken more photos of the trees and birds in my backyard than I ever would have noticed before the universe declared I need to slow down.  Life isn’t all about work, you have to have a life outside of work too. This is something I had really forgotten about.

Yes, I have my relationships that matter to me, however, much of my attention was focused on work and aspirations. Instead, I now see how to leave work and re-focus each day on people, things and places that matter to me. And to put myself as a priority. Sometimes that is reading, sometimes it is getting out and seeing something different, sometimes it is just sitting in and playing board games with friends. Whatever those self priorities are, find a way to focus on them before the universe forces you to.

Happy holidays to all

 

Advertisements

Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

gone

I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

Grit and Resilience

It has been a long time since I posted anything.  Not because I haven’t wanted to or thought about it but honestly my life has been non-stop.  In these 8+ months of 2016 – Daddy moved in with me,  I traveled to Europe with school, focused on my thesis project, completed my MBA program, was transferred into a new position at work which I did not enjoy, changed jobs, divorce was finalized, moved and selling my house that I’ve been in for over 20 years. And if that isn’t enough being trying to be active in the community.

Needless to say I’m burnt out mentally.  My submission is hard to tap into at times and natural at other times.  I truly feel like the rope in a tug of war contest.

tug-of-war

 

I’m so grateful and blessed to have had these extraordinary events happen in my life this year and I know that these were results of years of hard work and perseverance. Grit and Resilience became my middle name.  As things slow down a bit, I can re-focus on the little things again.

Speaking of little – this has been hard on my little side. Not being able to have lots of down time to play, needing focus to achieve my goals didn’t allow much time for silliness and my adult side really didn’t like the distractions my little gets into.

Yes I’ve come to realize that both my little and my adult are both part of what makes me….me.  I separate them out a bit because I need to differentiate the individual needs. Little side wants fun and play all the time – wants to be out and social – wants attention – very frisky – likes to take risks and try new things. Adult side is far more serious – craves structure – far more slave like at the core – public face as a leader who gets stuff done – her way or the highway at the surface.  Together they are me – flirty and playful who likes structure and to know her boundaries and runs amok within them eschewing order and strategically planning everything while learning new things everyday to ensure I know everything I can and helping everyone along the way.

A complex person with a loving and loyal heart and soul that pushes buttons and debates everything under the sun. I think Daddy would agree with that summary.

For the remaining bit of 2016 – I aim to slow down some to step back and enjoy the little things in life more.  Spending time with friends and loved ones, going out and having some fun as well as sitting at home immersed in a book, cooking with daddy and enjoying the new world I’m now living in.  Happy to have a home that feels calming and comfortable,  lived in yet organized and structured, a blend of me and daddy. A place that I can turn off the outside world and simply be my submissive self.

 

Day to day

This is terrifically written and I can so relate to the brat, the obedient sub and the professional. Thank you for sharing.

Respectfully Submitted

Prompt Set #134

– Do adversities amplify your submissive tendencies, or submerge them?

Both as a wife and as a submissive, adversities tend to submerge my submissive tendencies.  This is one of the areas where the lines between the egalitarian h/w relationship and the D/s relationship are sometimes hazy.  It is hard to even describe.  There are times when as a wife, there is a challenging situation that has kicked my butt and I am on the ground.  I am balling on the inside, but you see a woman with a steely resolve and a cold demeanor on the outside.  After over a decade together, my husband sees this and offers the figurative hand to pick me up.  Heck, he waves the hand or even straight up bear hugs me.  I push him away.  I find that it is at the end of the day during His time, that I…

View original post 268 more words

Lessons Learned

discipline

Punishment and Discipline – Not the same thing

This writing started off with the concept of discussing punishments that I have heard about or been subjected to.  And as luck would have it, I learned a lesson of my own.

I looked up images on the topic of punishment to find one to add to this post. And I saw pictures or drawings from typical spanking of adults and parents spanking children. However, I also saw images of pure torture. Hangings, severe beatings etc. So I stopped and gathered myself and looked up images on the topic of discipline. What I found was far more supportive and likely to provide a lesson.

Years ago, a friend of mine received a punishment because she spoke up to a Dom because of things she felt strongly about. He decided to punish her with breaking a limit she had. He also had another there that he gave pleasure to as a way to show her what she was missing out on. When he left the room, he told the one being punished that she now had to deal with the emotions of the one who wasn’t being punished.  How was this this going to help any of them?  What lesson did it teach?  To my knowledge – None.  It did form a friendship bond between the two women – who tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to this past year, and the sub who was used for pleasure was now being punished for not being available when he wanted her to be (she wasn’t owned by him anymore) and he used a similar punishment.  He punished her by making her please him while he was kissing and paying attention to another sub. He wanted to hurt her emotionally for not being available. Instead what he did was push her away and it changed her views on him and she left him.  Granted a lesson learned, but not the one the Dom sought to teach her.

This is punishment – it is done in anger and without thought given to what lesson needs to be learned. No growth happens.  Fear and/or distrust is the result.

Unlike punishment, discipline is done with intention. Whether it is self-discipline or at the hands of your Dom, the intention is to help you grow and achieve the goals you have.

For example, I have a rule about sending 2 pics a day to Sir. I have the option of asking for a reprieve when overly busy or sick. So there is no reason for me to miss sending them. Except I often forget.  So the last time I forgot, I had to send a picture every hour throughout my day except those that I was in meetings.  This lesson was learned and I haven’t missed a pic since.  I know why I send these pics and I genuinely want to send them.  They are normal pics where he gets to see my smiling face, so easy to take.

The way he handled it was to drive home my goal for pleasing him and remind me of the task at the same time.  This was discipline that taught a lesson. And I’m grateful for my wonderful Sir that he understood punishment would not correct the forgetfulness or remind me of the joy we both have in the task to begin with.

If anyone else would like to share their thoughts on this, it could be a great discussion.