Craving Desires

desire

I’m insatiable!

Lately, I’ve been struggling with being a little and being a very sexual submissive. My sexual desire are strong, they are always present and they are a craving, a true need. It is overpowering at times.

I need it strong, feral even. My little side on the other hand needs cuddles, needs playful interactions and likes it soft and sensual.  Can the two blend?  Yes they can, tho sometimes the blend needs to be put aside and the raw, feral, primal need to be manhandled.

Recently, Daddy didn’t sate those needs because he felt that I truly needed just to be held, cuddled and shown love and care. I know he was right, but these other needs are ever present. They don’t dim, they don’t go away.  He feels that I allow these needs to cover up what I really need and give myself the false sense of taking care of them through this animalistic desire.

To some degree he is correct. My experiences have built up to that. My marriage was good and the sex was frequent and good. But I never let my darker needs out nor did I acknowledge my little.  In my last D/s relationship it was all about the sex and his needs, which mirrored my carnal desires. Yet that’s where it ended. We were sexual soul mates but not heartfelt soul mates. He understood me through my desires, my needs, my cravings, but he never understood my heart.

Daddy understand it all. He can sate all of these needs. He listens, he observes and he wants what is best for me in every moment. He puts me first.  He cherishes me.

He touches my heart, soothes its wounds, quiets my mind, comforts my worries, puts out my fears and shows me love in a way no one else ever has.  I love you Daddy.

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Sharing my words…

I must admit, I’ve been a bit selfish. I’ve kept this blog from my beloved Sir.  He understands my reasons and I share some posts with him via email, but I’ve not sent him the link.

I think this will be one of his Christmas gifts or at least New Year’s.  (sigh)

The reason for the selfishness is due to my comfort in opening up in my thoughts and feelings and being able to express those without focus on respect and political correctness.  Yet I do those things anyway. I would never disrespect him publicly and I do always consider my words.  I’ve come to realize this as I was preparing another post for today. (which I will still share).

So with love and respect for our relationship, I will open myself up to him completely. He can choose what to read and decide if anything needs corrected.  I love him and I love the relationship that we are building. I am his…..my words and all.

Abandonment issues

alone

Many subs have abandonment issues and we all individually explore where they come from.  I’m no exception. However, mine never made sense.

While my parents divorced when I was young, there was still a connection to my dad. My mom didn’t work and she was always home for us. So where did they step from?

My therapist believed and helped me to see that while there was a presence of my parents, they weren’t always emotionally available to me and that abandonment issues could be a result from that form of childhood.  This made sense but still didn’t feel right to me.  Yet I could never explain it.

Last night Daddy and I were curled up together and talking after a bit of an intense play session. During this session, he would warm me up and I’d relax into the lovely flogging or other wonderfully wicked things he had planned only to have him jolt me out of the zone because he’d switch to stingy or to a certain spot that I do not enjoy. When I’d jolt out, he’d go back to a wonderful rhythm that I could let go.  Over and over this went until finally I said enough.  I didn’t safe word, but he knew that I wasn’t enjoying.  He held me and reassured me I was ok, which I was and that he wondered when I was going to hit that breaking point.

I was angry at him for the back and forth of zone, jolt, zone, jolt.  I was not my happy, in the moment sub self. I didn’t want to be mad at him.  As the emotions of anger and submissiveness warred within me, I collapsed against his leg and I couldn’t cry nor could I shout. He was calmly letting me know it was okay to be angry at him, it was okay to express those feelings and that I would soon understand that and it would bring us closer.

This play session was about him building up emotions that I don’t normally express, that I suppress and forcing me to let them out, so as to break down another wall and let him in.  I didn’t get it. I listened to his words and they felt right but did not make sense at the time.

As we laid there in each other’s arms, we talked about why I have the wall to begin with. Why I need to protect myself from angry emotions. The real answer is I’ve always been this way, so I don’t know.  He already knew this which is why we had to break down the wall instead of me letting him in.  This led to a discussion of my fears of abandonment and if I let out my anger emotions then why would anyone wish to stay around.

He asked me if he was mad at me for showing my angry emotions during play. No daddy.  Was he still there reassuring me that all was good?  Yes daddy.  In fact he was telling me that I was a good girl for sharing those emotions and not suppressing them.  In fact I noticed that he was happy that I told him I wasn’t enjoying the session.  I wasn’t, but he was.  Hmmm…

Then he asked me again about my abandonment issues and I told him what my therapist believed and he said he could understand where one would believe those things and yes it made sense. I let him know yes it does, but doesn’t’ feel right. And that’s when he gave me a whole new insight.

Its possible my abandonment issues are a result of my keeping my adult and my little so separated in my mind. I kept two different sides of me apart my whole life. I grew up too fast and that led to me pushing my childhood aside.  As he expressed his thoughts, I felt that he was right.  I finally felt that there was something to that thought process and a way to make sense of these “unfounded” fears that I had.

As my adult and little make peace with one another, I believe my fears will ease up considerably.  Its wonderful having someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

Daddy?

daddy

Should I call him Daddy?

What is the right name for my Master, my Owner, my Sir,  my lover, my boyfriend, my rock, my heart?  I’m his little one, his pet, his slave, his slut, his girlfriend and his rock.

Little one and pet fit me well, slut and slave is what I am.  Master fits, tho is very formal and does not feel right for conversation between the two of us.  Sir fits, tho I always feel like I’m being sarcastic when I say “yes Sir”.  I know I’m not or he would be correcting me, it just feels that way.  Owner, is what he is – he owns me. But its not a title to call him.  The rest are roles he plays.

So what do I call him?  Master and Sir feel solid to my slave/adult side. And its how I would refer to others in the lifestyle. Not in our one on one conversation.  Daddy…. well that is really hitting home to my little.  She wants to call him that badly, but adult side feels odd about it. Does this make sense?

I’d love to hear from Doms and littles alike on why the name Daddy fits.  My orderly logical adult needs to make sense of what my little is shouting to call my very loving, caring, protective, guiding, sadistically sensual One.

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The official collaring

My collar

My collar

Without fanfare and without any formal ceremony, D collared me.  I know he wanted my friends around and make it more of a celebration, but sometimes the most important moments, need to be simple and private.

My collar is a simple antique style key with some modern elements (the flames). Hanging on a simple silver chain.  And I love it.

Far nicer than the bling he originally wanted that was backordered then cancelled.  He still wants to get a nicer chain and a lock so others see the symbolism.

I knew it was coming since it was my birthday gift (over a month ago) and so the words were spoken when he put a little band around my wrist.  This collaring was while out at the PA Renaissance Faire and we’d been shopping, enjoying mulled wine, crisp autumn day and being together.  We stumbled on the key and we knew it was perfect.   We went over to a picnic table and he placed it around my neck.  Its amazing how something so simple can have such deep meaning and love.

Happy collared little sub.

Our Contract

I’ve been asked to share the agreement/ contract that D and I signed utilizing wonderful contracts written by others and adding in our own pieces of the puzzle.

Dominant and submissive Agreement

Created on August 16, 2014

This document serves as an agreement which defines in specific terms the power exchange relationship and interaction between two individuals, hereafter termed the submissive and the Dominant. This agreement is only binding between the two people signed below. This agreement is entered voluntarily with both parties agreeing to the conditions.

This agreement is intended to guide the two individuals on their journey together, and while the primary intention is to please the Dominant, it is also intended to shape the submissive into a better, happier, and stronger woman, and to help the couple grow together spiritually, lovingly, mentally, and physically. This agreement shall serve as the basis for an extension of the relationship, committed to in the spirit of loving and consent. Dominance and submission with the intention of furthering self-awareness and exploration, promoting health and happiness, and improving both our lives.

This contract has a life of 6 months. At its expiration a new contract may be created and signed.

  Section I: The Dominant’s role

a)      The Dominant agrees to care for the submissive to include tending to the physical safety and emotional and mental well-being of the submissive as long as He owns the submissive.

b)      The Dominant also accepts the commitment to treat the submissive properly, to train and discipline the submissive, punish the submissive, love the submissive, and use the submissive as He sees fit.

c)      The Dominant accepts the responsibility to use His power to mold and shape the submissive, assist the submissive to grow in strength, character, confidence and being, and to help her become a better woman in all areas of her life.

d)     The Dominant will not ever purposefully ignore the submissive.

e)      It shall be the Dominant’s duty, with applicable assistance from the submissive, to watch for and prevent any mental or emotional trauma which may stem from the condition of servitude, activities within the condition of service, or any other variable that is based within the confines of this contract.

f)       The Dominant will be faithful to the submissive, and will be honest and loyal to her at all times.

g)      The Dominant will always be open to the submissive’s concerns and thoughts, worries and stresses, and will encourage her to always open up and express her feelings and concerns to Him without fear of punishment.

h)   The Dominant agrees to not submit the submissive to a session when he might not be in the proper frame of mind to administer it.

i)     The Dominant will always support the submissive through encouragement in her relationships with family and friends as well as through her career.

j)      The Dominant will not keep the submissive or their relationship isolated from other aspects of his daily life.

 Section II: The submissive’s role

a)      The primary purpose of the submissive is to serve, obey, and please the Dominant, in a manner seem fit by the Dominant.

b)      The submissive will put her entire trust into the Dominant with the knowledge that He will never betray that trust.

c)      The submissive shall follow rules, rituals and guidelines as established by the Dominant, with the understanding that breaking a rule, ritual or guideline will lead to some form of punishment as dictated by the Dominant.

d)     The submissive agrees to follow the direction and commands from the Dominant both in and out of the bedroom.

e)      The submissive will always respond to the sexual needs of the Dominant at any time in any manner that he sees fit, unless responding to His needs violates any other aspect of this contract. This includes engaging in sexual activities with the Dominant that might be outside of her comfort zone but she will do them as they please him.

f)       The submissive will be faithful to the Dominant and will be honest and loyal to him at all times.

g)      The submissive will at all times act in a manner that is respectful of the Dominant, to include manners of speech, promptness, proper answers, obedience, loyalty, and honesty, with the understanding between both of them that the submissive shall not have to necessarily alter her personality.

h)      The submissive will take proper care of her body in a manner that is pleasing to the Dominant and with guidance from him if necessary.

i)        If the situation feels warranted by the Dominant, the Dominant may demand the submissive make other adjustments to lifestyle.

j)        When not in His presence, the submissive will maintain regular contact with the Dominant, to include informing Him of her schedule and activities. Regular contact is to include phone calls, text messages, or emails. The submissive will do everything in her capacity to respond promptly to all communications from the Dominant, and must never make the Dominant feel ignored by her.

k)    The submissive will not keep the Dominant or their relationship isolated from other aspects of her daily life.

l)        His reliance on safewords obligates me to use them and I Promise to do so. I will use “yellow” as a warning word to request that the Dominant slow down, ease up, or change direction while continuing the session. I will use “red” to immediately end a scene or session

m)    Additionally, the submissive agrees to the following:

a.       To strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with her capability to serve the Dominant and limit her growth as his submissive

b.      To reveal her thoughts, feelings, and desires without hesitation or embarrassment

c.       To inform the Dominant of her wants and perceived needs, recognizing that he is the judge of whether or how these shall be satisfied

d.      To strive toward maintenance of a positive self-image and development of realistic expectations and goals

e.       To work with the Dominant to become a happy and self-fulfilled individual

f.       To work against negative aspects of my ego and my insecurities that would interfere with advancement of these aims

 Section III: Other Partners

The Dominant understands that the submissive entered the relationship with a Polyamorous tendency.  The submissive agrees to discuss any potential partner with the Dominant and develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

The Dominant expresses desire and interest in the submissive having other intimate partners. The Dominant agrees that any intimate partner of his choosing must agree to all hard limits and treat submissive with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship. The submissive agrees that any intimate partner of her choosing will treat her with respect and respect of the Dominant and submissive’s relationship and accepting of the boundaries established by the Dominant.

The Dominant agrees that any partner for himself will be discussed in advance with the submissive and will develop acceptable boundaries to remain true to the Dominant/submissive relationship created in this agreement.

 Section IV:  Limits

The Dominant and submissive have discussed and provided one another a listing of hard limits.  It is agreed upon that these limits include no permanent marks or piercings, no permanent bodily harm, no illegal activities or any play involving children or animals, no play involving blood, scat or direct fire.

 Section V:  Punishments

The submissive and the Dominant agree that appropriate punishments are necessary for the growth of the submissive. Punishments are dependent on the severity of the infraction. Punishments will be used to change the behavior and remind the submissive of this agreement.

Dominant will inform submissive that she is being punished when punishment occurs. He will explain the reason for punishment either before, during, or following punishment. The Dominant agrees to discipline only out of a desire to better the submissive, and further agrees to never punish out of, or during, feelings of anger.

 Section VI: Alteration of contract

This contract may not be altered, except when both Dominant and submissive jointly agree. If the contract is altered, the new contract shall be printed and signed, and then the old contract must be destroyed.

 Section VII: Termination of Contract

Should either Dominant or submissive find that their aspirations are not being well served by this agreement, find this commitment too burdensome, or for any other reason wish to cancel, either may do so by verbal notification to the other, in keeping with the consensual nature of the agreement.

We both understand that cancellation means a cessation of the control stated and implied within this agreement, not a termination of our relationship as friends and/or lovers. Should the relationship as lovers and/or friends terminate, this agreement becomes null and void.

Upon cancellation, each agree to offer the other their reasons and assess our new needs and situation openly and lovingly.

 Section VIII: submissive’s signature

With a free mind and open heart; do request of Dominant that he accept the submission of my will unto him and take me into his care and guidance, that we may grow together in love, trust, and mutual respect. The satisfaction of his wants, desires, and whims are consistent with my desire as a submissive to be found pleasing to him. To that end, I offer him the use of my time, talents, and abilities.

My surrender as a submissive is done with the knowledge that nothing asked of me will demean me as a person, and in no way diminish my own responsibilities toward making use of my potential.

Signature____________________________________________  Date_______

 Section IX: Dominant’s signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall command her, train her, love her, and punish her as a submissive. I shall always treat her with respect. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to the submissive as long as she is mine.

Signature____________________________________________  Date________

 

GOALS FOR THE SUBMISSIVE FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.    To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.    To continue working on her patience.

 

GOALS FOR THE DOMINANT FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS

1.         To get into better physical shape and maintain physical fitness throughout the year

2.         To be more available in order to grow and strengthen the relationship

 

Signed in Ink

contract

 

Without fanfare the contract has been signed.  We spent time reading over it, and a planned discussion kept being postponed. This past weekend we sat down asked each other if there was anything they wanted to change, add or delete.  Hearing none, it was done.  We signed each other’s copies.  Then we kissed.  It was as simple as that.

In spite of the lack of ceremony around it, I have to say that in my pulling this contract together, it is a testament to how much we have discussed what is important to each of us.  I was able to add what I’ve heard were his important points and I could add my own. There were no surprises.  Clearly our communication is working.  (happy little things).

In putting together this particular contract, I did consider many things as I talked about in Writing the Contract however, I wanted the right words, and I wanted to use a format that made sense.  So I took a look at what I could find in the blogs here and by searching on Google.  I found three or four that various points hit home with me and that’s what I used to shape the contract for D and i.  After putting in those points, I went through to edit them to be true to us.  I went through a second time to add in our specifics based on our communications.  I went through a third time to edit the format. 

In one example I had looked at they created goals for the term of the contract.  I loved this idea and incorporated it post signature as the goals are not part of the definition of our dynamic, more they give us a starting point.  I put things for him that I know he wishes to accomplish and that I wish for him to focus on.  He did the same for me. 

So while no fanfare, no cheering, no ribbon cutting ceremonies.  D and i have a wonderful Dominance/submissive contract to start us off.  This one is termed at 6 months because we are still new to each other and I felt in 6 mos. we may want to make adjustments to it.  This forces us to face things at that time. 

Happy Dom, happy sub.

 

Lost! If found please return

brain

Do you have those times when you seem to lose your mind and you can’t find it?

The past few weeks have been like this for me.  Now I know that I have a lot going on in my life… work being very busy right now, going back to school, teaching, being a mom to teenagers and a wonderful relationship with D. Not to mention complicated past relationships.  So yes there are valid reasons for my declining mental capacity.

What bothers me most is that I have failed to obey a routine rule, not once, not twice…. multiple times…. all because I honestly forgot.

A few weeks ago, D gave me a “fun” task to do while enjoying an evening of watching television.  But because I multi-tasking, I forgot to insert the toy.  Completely forgot.  Later when he asked, I was shocked that I had forgotten something so fun….   Needless to say I was punished and I served my punishment well.  It fit the “fail” because it was something I had to do over a few days and it required me to be in the moment and remember.  I was very good and did.

However, in the process I forgot to send my daily two pics to him.  One is of me smiling and the other is my choice.  He gave me a reprieve as we were both quite busy and he knew I was focused on the punishment.  I still was upset by forgetting something else while being punished for forgetting a task.  He was much more understanding than I was.

And here I am forgetting once again.  I forgot to get gas yesterday, so I was on fumes this morning, I forgot to buy more oatmeal for breakfast at work and I forgot to send both pics yesterday.  And now I’m supposed to remember to remind him this weekend that I’m due a punishment for forgetting.  I’m seriously doubting my memory abilities right now.

Thanks for reading my rant.

Writing the Contract

contract

A Dominant / submissive contract is a task in reflection, intention, motivation and emotion.  It’s a chance for growth.

Before you even begin to write a D/s or M/s contract there are some things that you need to reflect upon. These are a few that I spent time on as I’ve been tasked with writing an agreement for D and I. Of course both of us had to do these things and discuss them before anything went down on paper.

You reflect back on past relationships, what worked, what didn’t.

You reflect on how you’ve grown as a person.

You reflect on what you need now.

You reflect on what you need from your partner.

What are your intentions in creating a contract? Is it a contract or an agreement? What is the term or length intended?  There are many questions that you have to ask yourselves.

What are your roles and responsibilities to each other and relationship overall?

What are your limits?

How will you treat amending or terminating the agreement?

How detailed do you want it to be?  Rules, rituals, guidelines spelled out or noted in general terms?

Expectations regarding other partner?

How are punishments acknowledged and handled?

To engage in the D/s or M/s lifestyle requires a level of motivation. There are needs, wants and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive.  What are yours?  What are your must haves?

Some things I needed to include for myself involved ensuring that the language used expressed that there is a full relationship here, not just for scenes/play.  Love, cherishing and respect were large factors in my motivation as his submissive. Language of inclusion in each other’s daily lives was a motivator (not because we aren’t doing that, but to ensure it remains a part of our dynamic). I also wanted to ensure that my relationships with family, friends and my career were considerations so that I do not lose myself in our relationship (not for him, but for myself).  For him, my obedience in and out of the bedroom is ensured for our power exchange dynamic to work. He wanted to ensure I’d safeword if necessary. He also has identified walls that he is carefully dismantling and so language on my agreement to overcome some of these obstacles is written in.  We even included goals for one another for the duration of the agreement.

This task is overall an emotional one.  You dig deep into your past, present and hopes for your future together. For me, there were emotional things from my past that I wanted to ensure would not be present in our future.  Challenges in our present that we don’t want to negatively effect us. For me, the emotions I’m feeling are of joy, pleasure and hope. There is nervousness for the intentions we’ve voiced to be put out there in black and white, signed in ink.  But, note the emotions are positive ones.  If there was any negativity, hesitation or fears, this would not be signed. We’d have to address those concerns and alter the contract until the emotions are all positive.

So this weekend, D and I will sit down and review this together. We will go section by section and ensure our joint agreement. We will adjust as needed (likely minimal as this was previewed individually before editing). We know its content.  We will add to our goals for the duration of our agreement (6 months for this first contract). And our intention is to sign it and to begin this next phase of our relationship.

For some, their contracts will include language that the Dominant will provide a token of his ownership over the submissive, such as a collar.  While D and I have discussed collaring (don’t know if he has that planned for this weekend or not), but I didn’t want that included.  I personally felt the collaring is a separate event and it being a material item that I didn’t feel should be a motivator for the relationship.  JMHO.

Stay tuned….

 

 

Note to self…

note to selfHave you written a note to yourself yet?

I have never done this but boy I wish I had many times.  I could have used it when my self-confidence was lacking, when I couldn’t believe in the words from others, when I loathed myself. Today, I learned I’ve hit a milestone in my own self confidence. 

My former dom, has been in touch with me again. He has been reminding me that he created me and thus has a connection that will remain.  That’s fine, because he was my first Dom, there is a connection that just can’t be broken. He unlocked my soul, but did not create it.  Semantics? Maybe… but there is truth in unlocking.

He wanted to see where I was in my growth and acceptance of myself. In re-reading my responses to him I caught words like, I’ve evolved, this is working for me, allowing, embracing, positive, valued, worthy, happy, playful, confident, partnerships, communication, wonderful, admitting to myself, no longer ashamed, environment to just be me and I’m present.

I also listed all the things I’m doing personally and professionally, serving on a Board, volunteering and hosting events, loving my work, eating better, exercising and enjoying life. 

No more sad doormat here.  I’m happy and I’m present.  I’ve regained my self-confidence back and I like who I am. I like my relationships and I’m surrounding myself with positive influences. 

My hope is for anyone, who is down on themselves…. that you write yourself a note and remind yourself the things you need to hear.

I’m not always confident…. moments of insecurities. But knowing that I have this confidence in me to say those things to my former, means its there and I just have to start wearing it. 

confidence