2017 – The year that I missed.

time flies This year has been a complete blur for me.  Not only was I incredibly busy the first few months of the year and the last few months of 2016 with work and life projects. I also spent 8.5 months of 2017 recovering from a horrible car accident. In fact, I’m still recovering.

When I reflect back on this year and what I did, I realize that I spent this year preparing myself for a better me, a more focused me, a more grateful me.  There have been some wonderful things that have happened this year too and I want them to shine.

Daddy and I bought a house.  This was a big thing for us and for our future together.  My children graduated college and high school this year and have moved on to the next step in their journeys. Some friendships became closer this year while other friends moved back to the outer fringes of our circle.  The wonderful ebb and flow of life. Daddy and I got a puppy who is so much a part of us in the 2.5 months we’ve had her. I can’t imagine life without her already.

What my recovery has taught me is how important my home life is to me – family and friends. How comfortable I want my surroundings to be. How life is meant to be about experiences, even simple ones. I’ve taken more photos of the trees and birds in my backyard than I ever would have noticed before the universe declared I need to slow down.  Life isn’t all about work, you have to have a life outside of work too. This is something I had really forgotten about.

Yes, I have my relationships that matter to me, however, much of my attention was focused on work and aspirations. Instead, I now see how to leave work and re-focus each day on people, things and places that matter to me. And to put myself as a priority. Sometimes that is reading, sometimes it is getting out and seeing something different, sometimes it is just sitting in and playing board games with friends. Whatever those self priorities are, find a way to focus on them before the universe forces you to.

Happy holidays to all

 

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Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

gone

I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

Grit and Resilience

It has been a long time since I posted anything.  Not because I haven’t wanted to or thought about it but honestly my life has been non-stop.  In these 8+ months of 2016 – Daddy moved in with me,  I traveled to Europe with school, focused on my thesis project, completed my MBA program, was transferred into a new position at work which I did not enjoy, changed jobs, divorce was finalized, moved and selling my house that I’ve been in for over 20 years. And if that isn’t enough being trying to be active in the community.

Needless to say I’m burnt out mentally.  My submission is hard to tap into at times and natural at other times.  I truly feel like the rope in a tug of war contest.

tug-of-war

 

I’m so grateful and blessed to have had these extraordinary events happen in my life this year and I know that these were results of years of hard work and perseverance. Grit and Resilience became my middle name.  As things slow down a bit, I can re-focus on the little things again.

Speaking of little – this has been hard on my little side. Not being able to have lots of down time to play, needing focus to achieve my goals didn’t allow much time for silliness and my adult side really didn’t like the distractions my little gets into.

Yes I’ve come to realize that both my little and my adult are both part of what makes me….me.  I separate them out a bit because I need to differentiate the individual needs. Little side wants fun and play all the time – wants to be out and social – wants attention – very frisky – likes to take risks and try new things. Adult side is far more serious – craves structure – far more slave like at the core – public face as a leader who gets stuff done – her way or the highway at the surface.  Together they are me – flirty and playful who likes structure and to know her boundaries and runs amok within them eschewing order and strategically planning everything while learning new things everyday to ensure I know everything I can and helping everyone along the way.

A complex person with a loving and loyal heart and soul that pushes buttons and debates everything under the sun. I think Daddy would agree with that summary.

For the remaining bit of 2016 – I aim to slow down some to step back and enjoy the little things in life more.  Spending time with friends and loved ones, going out and having some fun as well as sitting at home immersed in a book, cooking with daddy and enjoying the new world I’m now living in.  Happy to have a home that feels calming and comfortable,  lived in yet organized and structured, a blend of me and daddy. A place that I can turn off the outside world and simply be my submissive self.

 

A reflection of 2015

Its been quite a while since I’ve posted here.  I do miss my more frequent writings as they were a great way to self-reflect on things.

However, my life has been go…go…go for months now. Work has gotten busier with wonderful projects, school has been a challenge and amazing, my love life has been full with my wonderful daddy and with my delightful boyfriend. My kids are growing up so fast and creating lives of their own, its been so wonderful to watch and bittersweet too.

Last weekend I was away with some classmates and chatting about my work and kids and the two amazing men in my life and suddenly I sat back and realized just how interesting my life is. How I’ve had such wonderful experiences that have helped me grow as a person.

This past week, I’ve had various holiday parties and was chatting about my graduate work and program with some colleagues and I realized how much I’ve grown in confidence through this experience. I’ve had the skills, this just gave me the confidence and some new tools to do what I’ve always done even better.

Daddy and I are talking about moving in together and making plans for our future. Its such an exciting time.  We still have a few bumps in the road to get through but we are doing them together. That is a great feeling.

M and I are facing some bumps together too.  Isn’t that always the case in poly relationships, but he and I are solid and we are enjoying each other and where our relationship has grown.  We always talk about things we would like to do together. Who knows if they will happen, but it is fantastic that we can share ideas and see that connection being there.

Some friendships have changed over the year, some grown stronger, some moving away, others have faded, but all those around me care for me and are cared for in return.

As for me, I don’t know what will happen when…. that is a challenge for this little planner. However, my life is so rich and full that I know I am on the right path with the right people.

2015 has been a very good year to me. 2016 is looking to be even better.

Cheers

 

 

 

Wonderful vacation

2015-07-20 11.45.20

Vacation with daddy was incredibly relaxing and fun at the same time.  A whole week of being together and while my kids were with us, lots of time for just us.

We spent a lot of time in the car together and the wonderful lighthearted, playful banter we shared set the tone for the trip. It helped us relax and just be us, together.  (little things)  We did have some serious discussions mid week but even those didn’t weigh us down for long.

Most mornings spent on the beach, he tanning and me under an umbrella. He got me to be adventurous and go out into the ocean and jumping waves.  2015-07-20 19.35.52 Afternoons spent playing mini-golf.  I beat him once, he beat me three times, but our scores were so close to each other’s – never more than 3 points between us.  Loved being able to keep up with him.  2015-07-19 13.22.46 Then we would spend time in our great vacation house, enjoying the air conditioning. Typically him napping and me reading, yet I would eventually nap myself.  Evenings were always a mix.  Going out to enjoy what the town had to offer or just sitting on the beach and taking pictures.  One night we sat on the beach until it was really dark out.  Enjoyed good food, fireworks and lots of fun times. 2015-07-20 19.34.20

One of my favorite experiences was our helicopter ride.  We took a brief helicopter tour over Myrtle Beach and I loved the pictures I got from it.  Had so much fun.    2015-07-24 12.38.41

Now daddy and I are back to routines and everyday life. We miss each other a lot and working on how to spend more time together. Work keeps us both busy and school will start soon for me.  We’ve enjoyed this summer and of course vacation was what we both needed to reconnect.

Here are a few pics that sum it all up.

2015-07-25 08.42.06 2015-07-20 20.12.48 2015-07-20 19.48.17

Hope you all have or will have your own great moments.

Bumps in the Road

Mt Everest Climb

Why does bumps in the road sometimes feel like climbing Mt. Everest?

When it comes to relationships, bumps in the road happen.  They are faced and dealt with and you get past them.  If you are smart enough to see that the road keeps going beyond the bump, that is.  I face most things this way, seeing past the bump and moving on while learning from it at the same time.

Recently, daddy and i had a bump in our road.  He understood that and he worked to get us past it and moving forward.  Ok, this bump was more like a hill or steep incline…. but nevertheless, I saw it as the tallest mountain to climb and no road beyond the top of it, so we would have to build from scratch.

As a little and a submissive with next to no patience, I didn’t like the mountain climb only to have to rebuild everything we spent a year building.  It seems unfair and I want the happy journey we were on to continue.  Waiting for Daddy to take the ropes and decide where to start.

What I didn’t see or conceptualize is that Daddy got us safely over the hill, no ropes needed and we could continue on our journey as the road was already built for us.  I only had to turn around to see it instead of looking off in the distance.

How many times have you thought things were worse than they were? How did you handle them? What prompted you to see what was in plain sight?

Thank you Daddy for helping me to see you had us through all of this and still do.

My Rock

When Budgeting Becomes Overwhelming

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything about my journey.  A lot has been going on and my heart and mind have been overwhelmed.  I’ve shut down and I’ve not been a good submissive, girlfriend, lover, friend, etc.  I focused on work and school to help me, and that further shut me down as I wasn’t being true to myself or the one I love.

I’m coming back to my senses and to myself thanks to my daddy. He isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes, little and big but he owns them and makes changes to fix them. He is my love, my world. He supports me even thru my mistakes.  He helps me to see them, acknowledge them and grow from the experiences.  He makes difficult decisions, including ones that I don’t like or cause me hurt feelings, but he does them with us in mind.  He makes difficult decisions that are for us, to help us heal and move forward.  He has so much strength and I honestly love him all the more.

Daddy is my rock, he deserves my respect and my love. He is “higher than I” because I gave him that gift.  He is showing me what that means to him in ways I never could expect.  He is showing me what a true Dominant is and should be.  No one else has ever put me first in their lives and he not only makes me a priority but he is showing me unconditional love. A very new thing for me to experience.  Thank you daddy.

While I know he only expects love and respect in return, I know I owe him far more than that for what he plans for us and me. I can only repay him by truly deepening my submission and trusting that he will only act in our best interests and he will protect me and my interests.

Daddy know that you are loved and valued. I will work with you to ensure our hurts are learned from and we move forward. I will work on myself to repair the parts broken. You are my world and I will honor you and you are honoring me.  I am yours and you are mine.

Connected once again

 

My center has been connected once again.  Yay!  The reconnection and pulling from within was a journey of its own.

Feeling like you lost your submission is depressing and anxiety provoking. At least it was for me.  It was also challenging for D as he had to contend with my moods and my lashing out.  However, we worked together and while I’m sure there is still work to do, I at least feel myself again and the connection is there.

Through discipline, lots of talking and working on our contract renewal helped to piece back the puzzle that is me.  Sir’s reminders that I am His, that I am worthy and that he had me helped me feel safe and loved. For some, this might have been all that was needed. For me, I needed more.  Some mild discipline also helped but without him standing firm that the behavior has to change, was not enough. I exhibited very bratty behavior and couldn’t understand why. I broke some rules even.  I needed Him to stand firm and put his foot down.  I needed rules and consequences. I needed Him to take back the control.

Our contract renewal involved laying out rules, protocol and rituals that had been absent from our first one.  This involved understanding one another and what it means to our relationship. This humbled me and allowed me to open up to Him.  An intense scene followed and the final piece fell into place.

I no longer wanted to be in control.  Once he took that back, I felt calmer. I felt more myself. I felt connected to my submission and to my Owner.

Thank you Sir.

Reconnecting

 

I’m in a phase of reconnecting to myself and my submission. The disconnect happened as a result of my need to be focused and very in control of my environment during a brutal 8 weeks of juggling a very complex group project.

Meditation and reflection helped keep me from losing my mind and becoming unbearable during those grueling weeks. My wonderful, loving D also helped immensely.  However, neither of us realized just how hard I took that time frame and the disconnect that it brought.  I know I felt off but couldn’t explain it.  He knew I was stretched thin and mentally exhausted so didn’t push the snarky behavior I was exhibiting.

I knew my submission wasn’t lost for good, it just annoyed me that I couldn’t bring it out overnight.  I have a need for self-perfection (not smart I know).  Not feeling submissive, is not normal for me.  I may be in charge at work or lead groups but I tend to always feel submissive even when I appear otherwise.  This was the first time since I let my submissive out, so to speak, that I didn’t feel myself.

My Sir was wonderful and reminded me he had me and would get me through it all.  And he has.  I’m quite grateful to him for dealing with the crazy that I have been as of late and not taking it personally. And for helping me reconnect even if I don’t always like the methods to get there.

More to come….

It’s been a while

It has been a while since I last posted.  Life has gotten in the way.  Being in grad school and having a capstone course these past few months has become a second full time job.

I have disconnected from my own submission to the point that I feel lost. My mind is filled with so much and the struggle to reconnect is not coming easy.  I know it will return, I do not have doubts about that. It is who I am.

I’ve missed reading all of your blogs and writing.  I’m looking forward to returning.