Grit and Resilience

It has been a long time since I posted anything.  Not because I haven’t wanted to or thought about it but honestly my life has been non-stop.  In these 8+ months of 2016 – Daddy moved in with me,  I traveled to Europe with school, focused on my thesis project, completed my MBA program, was transferred into a new position at work which I did not enjoy, changed jobs, divorce was finalized, moved and selling my house that I’ve been in for over 20 years. And if that isn’t enough being trying to be active in the community.

Needless to say I’m burnt out mentally.  My submission is hard to tap into at times and natural at other times.  I truly feel like the rope in a tug of war contest.

tug-of-war

 

I’m so grateful and blessed to have had these extraordinary events happen in my life this year and I know that these were results of years of hard work and perseverance. Grit and Resilience became my middle name.  As things slow down a bit, I can re-focus on the little things again.

Speaking of little – this has been hard on my little side. Not being able to have lots of down time to play, needing focus to achieve my goals didn’t allow much time for silliness and my adult side really didn’t like the distractions my little gets into.

Yes I’ve come to realize that both my little and my adult are both part of what makes me….me.  I separate them out a bit because I need to differentiate the individual needs. Little side wants fun and play all the time – wants to be out and social – wants attention – very frisky – likes to take risks and try new things. Adult side is far more serious – craves structure – far more slave like at the core – public face as a leader who gets stuff done – her way or the highway at the surface.  Together they are me – flirty and playful who likes structure and to know her boundaries and runs amok within them eschewing order and strategically planning everything while learning new things everyday to ensure I know everything I can and helping everyone along the way.

A complex person with a loving and loyal heart and soul that pushes buttons and debates everything under the sun. I think Daddy would agree with that summary.

For the remaining bit of 2016 – I aim to slow down some to step back and enjoy the little things in life more.  Spending time with friends and loved ones, going out and having some fun as well as sitting at home immersed in a book, cooking with daddy and enjoying the new world I’m now living in.  Happy to have a home that feels calming and comfortable,  lived in yet organized and structured, a blend of me and daddy. A place that I can turn off the outside world and simply be my submissive self.

 

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Tantrum

It was bound to happen at some point… My little melted down and had a tantrum.

Tears abounded and hurt feelings were had.  Logic had no place in this emotion led tale.

Daddy has had to take a 2nd job for the holidays. He works long hours at his regular job and then this 2nd one takes advantage of him by scheduling him and then changing the schedule last minute. While not intended, he has ended up working every single weekend (all weekend) for the past 2 months.  I’ve tried to keep logic in mind and to guide Miss little through it, but alas she broke.

I was supposed to see Daddy last night and with one night’s notice, I learned that they were having him work again.  I was sad and tried to swallow the bitter pill thinking there would still be time this weekend.  I did learn that he would now be available to spend Christmas Eve with me and my family and friends.  I was happy about that and tried to keep the focus there.

Unfortunately, I asked about the weekend and didn’t hear back from him, so I knew that it wasn’t gonna happen. I lost my holiday spirit and my logic left the building. I became hurt and angry. When we had time to text about it, there wasn’t any hope given. No spark of us seeing each other til next week.  And then it happened, I spewed off words that not only hurt him, but hurt me more. I cried and couldn’t get anything done. I wanted to scream and throw things (managed to not do this) but I wasn’t happy. I tried to keep the words respectful and tried to avoid them, but he wasn’t having it.  He let me know that I was distrusting him and disrespecting that he was doing all he could given the situation.  After this weekend, there is only one more day he has to do this crazy schedule.  I couldn’t hear the words. I was lost in the emotion and the sadness of not being in his arms, even if it meant that I’d only see him to go to sleep.  I know I’d hate that as we wouldn’t be able to enjoy each other, he would be too tired from working 17 straight hours only to go back in a few hours later.

On and on this went and finally he put an end to the tantrum letting me know he will not tolerate it. He understands I’m not happy and that I’m sad. He knows I know that he loves me but he will not tolerate the distrust and disrespect.  The words finally struck and I suddenly was more upset that I made him think I distrusted him and that I was disrespecting our relationship.

He wanted me to curl up in bed with my throw blanket and relax. To think of him and know that he is doing everything he can for the two of us.  I couldn’t sleep until I knew he was home from work. My submission is always there, even when we aren’t together. I had forgotten that lately because of his hectic schedule.  He is patient with me and my grad school schedule, and I need to be patient with his short term schedule that is out of his control.  Being reminded of my place and the committment to our relationship was what I needed to jolt me out of my emotional tantrum.

Hugs Daddy. xoxo

Polyamory and being a Little

Thought of the day – can I still be polyamorous now that my little is roaming free?

As I ponder this thought and ask if anyone has any insights to share…. I’ll provide a brief background.

Several years ago,  I allowed by submissive nature to flourish. I gave it the freedom from the box I kept it hidden in.  I ventured into the lifestyle of D/s and fell in love with a Polyamorous Dominant.  I became a member of a poly family.  No we did not live together and we kept it very hush hush.  The Dom was poly, and his subs were monogamous to him. If bi- they could play together with his permission.  Being a straight newbie, I thought this made sense.  I did not question it. Too often I heard the phrase “you are not poly” said to me in disdain.  Eventually the Dom and I broke up because I couldn’t cut it in his family.

I spent the next two years, involved with the poly community in my area as many of my friends are poly and I wanted to know why was I not poly.  Come to find out that yes I am. I just wasn’t his version of poly.  This was an a-ha moment at a PolyLiving Conference.

See I believed in polyamory – multiple loves.  Your heart cannot be told who to love and who not to.  Some of those loves may be romantic partners, some may be very good friends that you consider family. Some may be your Dom and or sister subs.  It is just like the D/s lifestyle, it is what suits you.  Through the conference, the community and friends, I have found a place in the world where I fit in.  I believe that love is freedom and if you place it in a cage, it cannot flourish.  That is not to say that one becomes promiscuous either.  It simply means, if you fall in love, allow it to happen.

When Sir and I got together, I told him I was poly and had a small group of poly friends that I consider my chosen family as well as a poly community where I am an active member.  He did not waver, in spite of not being poly himself.  This allowed us to really dig in and talk about things.  We worked things out and I was allowed to have another partner so long as our boundaries and rules were adhered to.  It has worked out nicely as his rules are fair and he is always approachable to talk.

Now with my little out and about, I feel myself questioning poly all over again. Can I be poly and in my little state?  Can she handle it? Poly takes work, it takes control of your emotions. She isn’t good with that.  In hindsight, that might have been what happened in my first poly family attempt – my little ran my emotions without my acknowledgement of her.

I don’t know what the answer is right now. I’m sure I will be exploring this further……

Self Reflection and Being Grateful

reflection

I’m a Little….. what does that mean?  This was the start of several months of deep reflection and a deeper look into myself.  This has led to a much more balanced and happier me.

When I first had the little thoughts, I truly thought I was crazy. Not me!  I couldn’t be a little, I’m so in control, focused and always by the book.  How on earth am I a little.  Well the truth was, I hid my little deep inside. I prevented her from coming out and I kept walls up around me so that no one could see that childlike vulnerability.

But oh did she ever come out in ways that I never understood.  I’ve had friendships and relationships that had ups and downs (normal right!)…. well some of them cared enough to tell me that what I thought and felt wasn’t always how I portrayed myself to the outside world. That only a few really were given the vantage of knowing my heart and thoughts.   So I always believed that it was my walls that were there to protect me from being hurt or walked all over. When the reality was, those things still happened.

What I learned in my little coming out, is that my emotional reactions to situations were my little’s reactions and because I denied her, I didn’t see them as others saw them. I was blinded by my walls.  My reactions were very much childish and sometimes selfish but more often than not, my reactions led to an unhappiness that was my own doing. I took everything personally and I defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary.  My emotional behavior was very childlike because it was the only way I apparently ever let my little out.  When I was sad or hurt.

Now seeing this in myself and knowing where it comes from, can I truly grow.  I’m not there yet as this is only the beginning, but with Daddy’s guidance and encouragement I’m stronger than my little feels and being vulnerable is far more ok than my exterior adult understands.

Yes, I said Daddy…. my little is very much happy with the term given to my cherished Sir and my adult is trying to understand the why.  They are working together and that is where the balance comes in. My adult acknowledging my little and working to let them have their needs met is something I’m mindful of these days.

I’m grateful to those littles that I follow and those that read my blog for sharing their lives and helping me to see just how natural it really is to be a little. I’m grateful to those that tried to help me see in past relationships because you set the foundation for me to understand at some point. I’m grateful to my friends and loved ones that accept me for who I am and don’t find my little to be a fault. And I’m grateful to Daddy for guiding me out and teaching my adult how to play nice.

I’m definitely a happier me these days.

Daddy?

daddy

Should I call him Daddy?

What is the right name for my Master, my Owner, my Sir,  my lover, my boyfriend, my rock, my heart?  I’m his little one, his pet, his slave, his slut, his girlfriend and his rock.

Little one and pet fit me well, slut and slave is what I am.  Master fits, tho is very formal and does not feel right for conversation between the two of us.  Sir fits, tho I always feel like I’m being sarcastic when I say “yes Sir”.  I know I’m not or he would be correcting me, it just feels that way.  Owner, is what he is – he owns me. But its not a title to call him.  The rest are roles he plays.

So what do I call him?  Master and Sir feel solid to my slave/adult side. And its how I would refer to others in the lifestyle. Not in our one on one conversation.  Daddy…. well that is really hitting home to my little.  She wants to call him that badly, but adult side feels odd about it. Does this make sense?

I’d love to hear from Doms and littles alike on why the name Daddy fits.  My orderly logical adult needs to make sense of what my little is shouting to call my very loving, caring, protective, guiding, sadistically sensual One.

burlap_throw_pillow

His Little One

little oneWords have so big an impact and these two little words have had a huge one on me.

Years ago, someone who meant the world to me called me them and I always felt the warmth of them. However, it was a moniker because I was short. (yeah it was funny). Then one day he stopped using the term and I didn’t feel its loss.  Over time, I heard many other subs being called Little One and it seemed with such love a care. It always brought a smile to my face.

Now I am Little One again and it means so much more to me to hear it.  It reaches into my soul and lights that spark that keeps me warm and alive. It provides me comfort when I’m sad or exhausted. It reminds me how much D loves me and cares for me. It reminds me that he found my Little and that he intends to cherish her needs too. It reminds me that I need to accept her and let her have fun. And it reminds me of how protected my Little really is, with me and D and with our friends and those we care about.

Waking up to good morning my little one, or goodnight little one, is such a wonderful simple thing that reminds me of all that I have to be grateful for.

Corner time

corner

As a sub, I accept punishments and in fact know I need them to find closure in mistakes made.  Learning more and more about my little and allowing her needs to be met has resulted in finding different ways to punish infractions.  Corner time was the latest.

I arrived at D’s place, after a very long grueling week of us both being very busy and not seeing each other, all I wanted was to curl up in his arms and melt all that stress away.  I knew we had to go shopping before any real relaxing could happen but those initial moments of needing the world to fall off my shoulders was longed for.  And of course I got it, but only partially.  D gave me that much needed hug, the one we both desired and it put us in the frame of mind needed.  However, he said that we had to take care of a punishment first for forgetting my task the day before.  Huff!

I honestly thought I had done it, but in that moment, I suddenly felt like a little girl. I’d been this strong, together, busy woman all week, needing nothing and no one….. and that mere mention of a punishment had me shrink down to the 10 yr old that my little seems to be.  D caught this and decided that my punishment would be sitting in a corner alone until he came back for me.

In those 5 or so minutes of sitting there, the emotions pooled and tears dripped down my face. I hated that I forgot my task yet again.  I hated that he had to punish me when we needed to be together. I let myself down and I let him down.

When he came back to get me, I whispered that I was sorry and his arms, already around me, hugged me a little tighter.  He whispered my forgiveness and said that the punishment was very hard on him too.  We hugged and let those moments be what they were.  A re-grouping of ourselves.

Later we talked a bit more and he said he would understand if I hated him for that punishment.  I didn’t hate him for it, I valued him for it.  I hated the punishment, but not him.  What he meant what hating him for the timing of the punishment.  Yeah, I guess I did hate that part too.  But honestly, it was best to get it over with so we could focus on what we really needed and it put me (and my little) in the right frame of mind for the rest of the weekend.  Thank you Sir.

Does your little have needs that surprise you?

Exploring my Little

blanket

My little has been surfacing more and more.  D brings her out no matter what we are doing.  She has been playful, bratty and doesn’t handle disappointment well. She is 10, or so we believe.

When D and i spend time together, its so natural, I don’t realize that she  has surfaced, but he does.  He has commented that my body language changes, my words change and my face changes.  It is frustrating to hear this and not be aware of it at all.  However I trust D to take care of her.  She trusts D to keep her safe to come out.

Lately, D has been exploring my little through our conversations.  Trying to get me to think about her and what she likes and needs.  He wants to know how I feel she should be disciplined (not punished).  I have no idea!   This is still so new to me and I am trying to embrace it.  So I turn to you my dear readers (friends in my book) and ask for your experiences.  How does your little respond to discipline?  What types work best for you?  What doesn’t work? 

The most recent event for my little was on Sunday.  It was my birthday and D sent me home early (we celebrated the night before) because he had some things to do and he knew I was having dinner with my kids.  I didn’t want to leave.  I felt kicked out.  I was sad.  When I got home, everyone was otherwise occupied with football (so was D).  I felt abandoned on my birthday.  Huff!  I couldn’t shake the sadness, I tried to read, talk to friends, played on Pinterest and Facebook.  It wouldn’t lift.  So finally D asked me to find a soft blanket and lay down.  I was to take an end in my hand and lightly caress my face and envision it was his hand stroking my face.  Needless to say, I fell asleep and felt so much better and in control of my emotions when I woke up. (little things)

Now I need that blanket to sleep soundly.  I tuck it next to me, or behind me, draping its end across my waist (like his arm).  I feel its presence behind me and I guess I feel like its D holding me and thus I feel safe to sleep.

Next up is to get a age 10 appropriate paint by numbers kit and see how I feel doing something little girl ish.  I’m procrastinating on this one…