Ghosting in Long Term Relationships?

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I keep reading and hearing stories of people being ghosted.  I’ve experienced it myself with the world of online dating.

When I first created a profile on a few different dating sites… OK Cupid and a few others I was open to new experiences.  I put a fairly good picture of who I am and what I was looking for both in the narrative and in photo. I feel honesty is the best policy. While going on many first dates and not connecting, my confidence waned at times.  Yet I kept trying.

Several times, I’d chat with someone and then they would disappear – profile gone, etc.  Wow!  What did I do?   Worse yet were those you were connecting with deeply.  Again, it was taken as a bad self-reflection when they disappeared.  Yes for a time I thought it was me and only happening to me.

Given the lifestyle I live, etc I began to realize that some were looking for quick hookups or affairs and since that wasn’t me, they moved on.  Others I firmly believe were caught by their wives, girlfriends or significant others and had to atone for their discretion.  I learned how to not take it personally and simply move on in my own quest.

More and more stories of being ghosted keep coming up on pretty much every social media outlet I peruse and in the social groups I spend time with.  Yet, I didn’t pay too much attention to it until recently.  As some of you know, I’ve been in a poly relationship with my Daddy and another wonderful man “M”.   Daddy understands the whole me…my little and my adult. M and I got each other intellectually and genuinely had fun together. We could geek out over books, business topics or whatever was top of mind.

Today, I read yet another article about research going on related to UX of online dating and the trend of ghosting.  It went on to say that even those that have gone on several dates are being ghosted and hinted that the trend is showing up in longer relationships too since people are simply used to just fading away when they are ready to move on.   Is this what we’ve come to in this world of technology?  That we no longer communicate when the relationship has simply ended?

M and I have been together for 1.5 years and a great relationship, part of each others families and all parts of our lives.  Always planning future things to do like renting a vacation house for all of our brood, places to travel to, things we want to see or do.  Both M and Daddy attended my graduation ceremony along with my kids.  I felt their love for me in droves that day.  They supported me as I wrapped up my capstone project and prepared my presentations and published my work.  Then things changed.

M had some work stresses and I was experiencing lots of exciting new things.  He needed some time to regain focus and well, I was moving and starting a new job. We kept in touch every few days to once a week.   A few weeks later, I saw him at one of our Meetup groups and we had a nice conversation, laughed and even kissed hello/goodbye.  After that, he kept slipping further and further away –  only my weekly texts to him so he knew I was thinking of him kept us in touch. There were times he would respond and we’d briefly chat. I kept making excuses as to why this was all okay. He was stressed, had a lot going on, etc.  Yet so did I, and I still felt our relationship deserved my attention.

He apologized for not being very responsive and that we’d meet soon.  At first I didn’t think anything of it, but the term “meet soon” did not sound like we’d were in a long term loving relationship. It sounded vague and casual.  Sure he asked how I was doing with my new job, he knew I moved less than a mile from him and yet no effort to see me.   Its been over a month now since I reached out via text. I was going to give him the time and space he seemed to need. He did acknowledge my  birthday thanks to Facebook notifications. Yet no more of a note than an acquaintance would write. I thanked him of course.

Is it simply that whatever he has going on with work and family life has just taken all of his attention these past few months and when smooth sailing again he will reach out?  Or am I being ghosted… he is fading away, avoiding discussing the changes that are happening, not wanting to hurt me yet not wanting to give closure?  And what do I do for my own sanity?

Daddy wants me to reach out and have the tough conversation to clearly decide if our relationship is over and end it on a positive note.  I struggle with that because it does seem like he’s already made that decision and has passively aggressively communicated it to me. However, he still has me listed as his partner on his profile and I noticed that he rarely posts much on social media these days.  Do I simply let him go and see if he comes back? I’m not the ghosting type. I feel everyone deserves communication – even if it is hard to say.

I am sad that it appears I wasn’t as important of a person in his life as we showed each other in actions. Being poly doesn’t change the sadness of a lost relationship. Daddy helps me through the loss but only I can decide the affects.  While I ponder being ghosted, I do notice him missing in my life. A love that I truly cherished, I will still look to the brighter side of life and am grateful for my memories and the times we had together.

 

 

 

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Grit and Resilience

It has been a long time since I posted anything.  Not because I haven’t wanted to or thought about it but honestly my life has been non-stop.  In these 8+ months of 2016 – Daddy moved in with me,  I traveled to Europe with school, focused on my thesis project, completed my MBA program, was transferred into a new position at work which I did not enjoy, changed jobs, divorce was finalized, moved and selling my house that I’ve been in for over 20 years. And if that isn’t enough being trying to be active in the community.

Needless to say I’m burnt out mentally.  My submission is hard to tap into at times and natural at other times.  I truly feel like the rope in a tug of war contest.

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I’m so grateful and blessed to have had these extraordinary events happen in my life this year and I know that these were results of years of hard work and perseverance. Grit and Resilience became my middle name.  As things slow down a bit, I can re-focus on the little things again.

Speaking of little – this has been hard on my little side. Not being able to have lots of down time to play, needing focus to achieve my goals didn’t allow much time for silliness and my adult side really didn’t like the distractions my little gets into.

Yes I’ve come to realize that both my little and my adult are both part of what makes me….me.  I separate them out a bit because I need to differentiate the individual needs. Little side wants fun and play all the time – wants to be out and social – wants attention – very frisky – likes to take risks and try new things. Adult side is far more serious – craves structure – far more slave like at the core – public face as a leader who gets stuff done – her way or the highway at the surface.  Together they are me – flirty and playful who likes structure and to know her boundaries and runs amok within them eschewing order and strategically planning everything while learning new things everyday to ensure I know everything I can and helping everyone along the way.

A complex person with a loving and loyal heart and soul that pushes buttons and debates everything under the sun. I think Daddy would agree with that summary.

For the remaining bit of 2016 – I aim to slow down some to step back and enjoy the little things in life more.  Spending time with friends and loved ones, going out and having some fun as well as sitting at home immersed in a book, cooking with daddy and enjoying the new world I’m now living in.  Happy to have a home that feels calming and comfortable,  lived in yet organized and structured, a blend of me and daddy. A place that I can turn off the outside world and simply be my submissive self.