Many subs have abandonment issues and we all individually explore where they come from. I’m no exception. However, mine never made sense.
While my parents divorced when I was young, there was still a connection to my dad. My mom didn’t work and she was always home for us. So where did they step from?
My therapist believed and helped me to see that while there was a presence of my parents, they weren’t always emotionally available to me and that abandonment issues could be a result from that form of childhood. This made sense but still didn’t feel right to me. Yet I could never explain it.
Last night Daddy and I were curled up together and talking after a bit of an intense play session. During this session, he would warm me up and I’d relax into the lovely flogging or other wonderfully wicked things he had planned only to have him jolt me out of the zone because he’d switch to stingy or to a certain spot that I do not enjoy. When I’d jolt out, he’d go back to a wonderful rhythm that I could let go. Over and over this went until finally I said enough. I didn’t safe word, but he knew that I wasn’t enjoying. He held me and reassured me I was ok, which I was and that he wondered when I was going to hit that breaking point.
I was angry at him for the back and forth of zone, jolt, zone, jolt. I was not my happy, in the moment sub self. I didn’t want to be mad at him. As the emotions of anger and submissiveness warred within me, I collapsed against his leg and I couldn’t cry nor could I shout. He was calmly letting me know it was okay to be angry at him, it was okay to express those feelings and that I would soon understand that and it would bring us closer.
This play session was about him building up emotions that I don’t normally express, that I suppress and forcing me to let them out, so as to break down another wall and let him in. I didn’t get it. I listened to his words and they felt right but did not make sense at the time.
As we laid there in each other’s arms, we talked about why I have the wall to begin with. Why I need to protect myself from angry emotions. The real answer is I’ve always been this way, so I don’t know. He already knew this which is why we had to break down the wall instead of me letting him in. This led to a discussion of my fears of abandonment and if I let out my anger emotions then why would anyone wish to stay around.
He asked me if he was mad at me for showing my angry emotions during play. No daddy. Was he still there reassuring me that all was good? Yes daddy. In fact he was telling me that I was a good girl for sharing those emotions and not suppressing them. In fact I noticed that he was happy that I told him I wasn’t enjoying the session. I wasn’t, but he was. Hmmm…
Then he asked me again about my abandonment issues and I told him what my therapist believed and he said he could understand where one would believe those things and yes it made sense. I let him know yes it does, but doesn’t’ feel right. And that’s when he gave me a whole new insight.
Its possible my abandonment issues are a result of my keeping my adult and my little so separated in my mind. I kept two different sides of me apart my whole life. I grew up too fast and that led to me pushing my childhood aside. As he expressed his thoughts, I felt that he was right. I finally felt that there was something to that thought process and a way to make sense of these “unfounded” fears that I had.
As my adult and little make peace with one another, I believe my fears will ease up considerably. Its wonderful having someone that knows you better than you know yourself.