Self Reflection and Being Grateful

reflection

I’m a Little….. what does that mean?  This was the start of several months of deep reflection and a deeper look into myself.  This has led to a much more balanced and happier me.

When I first had the little thoughts, I truly thought I was crazy. Not me!  I couldn’t be a little, I’m so in control, focused and always by the book.  How on earth am I a little.  Well the truth was, I hid my little deep inside. I prevented her from coming out and I kept walls up around me so that no one could see that childlike vulnerability.

But oh did she ever come out in ways that I never understood.  I’ve had friendships and relationships that had ups and downs (normal right!)…. well some of them cared enough to tell me that what I thought and felt wasn’t always how I portrayed myself to the outside world. That only a few really were given the vantage of knowing my heart and thoughts.   So I always believed that it was my walls that were there to protect me from being hurt or walked all over. When the reality was, those things still happened.

What I learned in my little coming out, is that my emotional reactions to situations were my little’s reactions and because I denied her, I didn’t see them as others saw them. I was blinded by my walls.  My reactions were very much childish and sometimes selfish but more often than not, my reactions led to an unhappiness that was my own doing. I took everything personally and I defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary.  My emotional behavior was very childlike because it was the only way I apparently ever let my little out.  When I was sad or hurt.

Now seeing this in myself and knowing where it comes from, can I truly grow.  I’m not there yet as this is only the beginning, but with Daddy’s guidance and encouragement I’m stronger than my little feels and being vulnerable is far more ok than my exterior adult understands.

Yes, I said Daddy…. my little is very much happy with the term given to my cherished Sir and my adult is trying to understand the why.  They are working together and that is where the balance comes in. My adult acknowledging my little and working to let them have their needs met is something I’m mindful of these days.

I’m grateful to those littles that I follow and those that read my blog for sharing their lives and helping me to see just how natural it really is to be a little. I’m grateful to those that tried to help me see in past relationships because you set the foundation for me to understand at some point. I’m grateful to my friends and loved ones that accept me for who I am and don’t find my little to be a fault. And I’m grateful to Daddy for guiding me out and teaching my adult how to play nice.

I’m definitely a happier me these days.

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