Wonderful Gifts

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I’m hoping everyone’s holiday was as wonderful as mine.  Just having Daddy celebrate with me and my friends and family was a great gift.

His words written in the perfect card warmed my heart and renewed my energy.  His words reassured what my heart already knew.  He is mine and I am His.

I gave him the link to my blog.  He has already started reading my words. When he told me he was proud of me for what I’ve shared, that too was another wonderful gift.

But the best gift of all was getting to spoil him a bit, which made me very happy to do. Seeing him happy means the world to me.

Wishing everyone a loving, fun filled New Years and may 2015 bring us all abundance.

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Tantrum

It was bound to happen at some point… My little melted down and had a tantrum.

Tears abounded and hurt feelings were had.  Logic had no place in this emotion led tale.

Daddy has had to take a 2nd job for the holidays. He works long hours at his regular job and then this 2nd one takes advantage of him by scheduling him and then changing the schedule last minute. While not intended, he has ended up working every single weekend (all weekend) for the past 2 months.  I’ve tried to keep logic in mind and to guide Miss little through it, but alas she broke.

I was supposed to see Daddy last night and with one night’s notice, I learned that they were having him work again.  I was sad and tried to swallow the bitter pill thinking there would still be time this weekend.  I did learn that he would now be available to spend Christmas Eve with me and my family and friends.  I was happy about that and tried to keep the focus there.

Unfortunately, I asked about the weekend and didn’t hear back from him, so I knew that it wasn’t gonna happen. I lost my holiday spirit and my logic left the building. I became hurt and angry. When we had time to text about it, there wasn’t any hope given. No spark of us seeing each other til next week.  And then it happened, I spewed off words that not only hurt him, but hurt me more. I cried and couldn’t get anything done. I wanted to scream and throw things (managed to not do this) but I wasn’t happy. I tried to keep the words respectful and tried to avoid them, but he wasn’t having it.  He let me know that I was distrusting him and disrespecting that he was doing all he could given the situation.  After this weekend, there is only one more day he has to do this crazy schedule.  I couldn’t hear the words. I was lost in the emotion and the sadness of not being in his arms, even if it meant that I’d only see him to go to sleep.  I know I’d hate that as we wouldn’t be able to enjoy each other, he would be too tired from working 17 straight hours only to go back in a few hours later.

On and on this went and finally he put an end to the tantrum letting me know he will not tolerate it. He understands I’m not happy and that I’m sad. He knows I know that he loves me but he will not tolerate the distrust and disrespect.  The words finally struck and I suddenly was more upset that I made him think I distrusted him and that I was disrespecting our relationship.

He wanted me to curl up in bed with my throw blanket and relax. To think of him and know that he is doing everything he can for the two of us.  I couldn’t sleep until I knew he was home from work. My submission is always there, even when we aren’t together. I had forgotten that lately because of his hectic schedule.  He is patient with me and my grad school schedule, and I need to be patient with his short term schedule that is out of his control.  Being reminded of my place and the committment to our relationship was what I needed to jolt me out of my emotional tantrum.

Hugs Daddy. xoxo

Sharing my words…

I must admit, I’ve been a bit selfish. I’ve kept this blog from my beloved Sir.  He understands my reasons and I share some posts with him via email, but I’ve not sent him the link.

I think this will be one of his Christmas gifts or at least New Year’s.  (sigh)

The reason for the selfishness is due to my comfort in opening up in my thoughts and feelings and being able to express those without focus on respect and political correctness.  Yet I do those things anyway. I would never disrespect him publicly and I do always consider my words.  I’ve come to realize this as I was preparing another post for today. (which I will still share).

So with love and respect for our relationship, I will open myself up to him completely. He can choose what to read and decide if anything needs corrected.  I love him and I love the relationship that we are building. I am his…..my words and all.

Polyamory and being a Little

Thought of the day – can I still be polyamorous now that my little is roaming free?

As I ponder this thought and ask if anyone has any insights to share…. I’ll provide a brief background.

Several years ago,  I allowed by submissive nature to flourish. I gave it the freedom from the box I kept it hidden in.  I ventured into the lifestyle of D/s and fell in love with a Polyamorous Dominant.  I became a member of a poly family.  No we did not live together and we kept it very hush hush.  The Dom was poly, and his subs were monogamous to him. If bi- they could play together with his permission.  Being a straight newbie, I thought this made sense.  I did not question it. Too often I heard the phrase “you are not poly” said to me in disdain.  Eventually the Dom and I broke up because I couldn’t cut it in his family.

I spent the next two years, involved with the poly community in my area as many of my friends are poly and I wanted to know why was I not poly.  Come to find out that yes I am. I just wasn’t his version of poly.  This was an a-ha moment at a PolyLiving Conference.

See I believed in polyamory – multiple loves.  Your heart cannot be told who to love and who not to.  Some of those loves may be romantic partners, some may be very good friends that you consider family. Some may be your Dom and or sister subs.  It is just like the D/s lifestyle, it is what suits you.  Through the conference, the community and friends, I have found a place in the world where I fit in.  I believe that love is freedom and if you place it in a cage, it cannot flourish.  That is not to say that one becomes promiscuous either.  It simply means, if you fall in love, allow it to happen.

When Sir and I got together, I told him I was poly and had a small group of poly friends that I consider my chosen family as well as a poly community where I am an active member.  He did not waver, in spite of not being poly himself.  This allowed us to really dig in and talk about things.  We worked things out and I was allowed to have another partner so long as our boundaries and rules were adhered to.  It has worked out nicely as his rules are fair and he is always approachable to talk.

Now with my little out and about, I feel myself questioning poly all over again. Can I be poly and in my little state?  Can she handle it? Poly takes work, it takes control of your emotions. She isn’t good with that.  In hindsight, that might have been what happened in my first poly family attempt – my little ran my emotions without my acknowledgement of her.

I don’t know what the answer is right now. I’m sure I will be exploring this further……

Abandonment issues

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Many subs have abandonment issues and we all individually explore where they come from.  I’m no exception. However, mine never made sense.

While my parents divorced when I was young, there was still a connection to my dad. My mom didn’t work and she was always home for us. So where did they step from?

My therapist believed and helped me to see that while there was a presence of my parents, they weren’t always emotionally available to me and that abandonment issues could be a result from that form of childhood.  This made sense but still didn’t feel right to me.  Yet I could never explain it.

Last night Daddy and I were curled up together and talking after a bit of an intense play session. During this session, he would warm me up and I’d relax into the lovely flogging or other wonderfully wicked things he had planned only to have him jolt me out of the zone because he’d switch to stingy or to a certain spot that I do not enjoy. When I’d jolt out, he’d go back to a wonderful rhythm that I could let go.  Over and over this went until finally I said enough.  I didn’t safe word, but he knew that I wasn’t enjoying.  He held me and reassured me I was ok, which I was and that he wondered when I was going to hit that breaking point.

I was angry at him for the back and forth of zone, jolt, zone, jolt.  I was not my happy, in the moment sub self. I didn’t want to be mad at him.  As the emotions of anger and submissiveness warred within me, I collapsed against his leg and I couldn’t cry nor could I shout. He was calmly letting me know it was okay to be angry at him, it was okay to express those feelings and that I would soon understand that and it would bring us closer.

This play session was about him building up emotions that I don’t normally express, that I suppress and forcing me to let them out, so as to break down another wall and let him in.  I didn’t get it. I listened to his words and they felt right but did not make sense at the time.

As we laid there in each other’s arms, we talked about why I have the wall to begin with. Why I need to protect myself from angry emotions. The real answer is I’ve always been this way, so I don’t know.  He already knew this which is why we had to break down the wall instead of me letting him in.  This led to a discussion of my fears of abandonment and if I let out my anger emotions then why would anyone wish to stay around.

He asked me if he was mad at me for showing my angry emotions during play. No daddy.  Was he still there reassuring me that all was good?  Yes daddy.  In fact he was telling me that I was a good girl for sharing those emotions and not suppressing them.  In fact I noticed that he was happy that I told him I wasn’t enjoying the session.  I wasn’t, but he was.  Hmmm…

Then he asked me again about my abandonment issues and I told him what my therapist believed and he said he could understand where one would believe those things and yes it made sense. I let him know yes it does, but doesn’t’ feel right. And that’s when he gave me a whole new insight.

Its possible my abandonment issues are a result of my keeping my adult and my little so separated in my mind. I kept two different sides of me apart my whole life. I grew up too fast and that led to me pushing my childhood aside.  As he expressed his thoughts, I felt that he was right.  I finally felt that there was something to that thought process and a way to make sense of these “unfounded” fears that I had.

As my adult and little make peace with one another, I believe my fears will ease up considerably.  Its wonderful having someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

Lessons Learned

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Punishment and Discipline – Not the same thing

This writing started off with the concept of discussing punishments that I have heard about or been subjected to.  And as luck would have it, I learned a lesson of my own.

I looked up images on the topic of punishment to find one to add to this post. And I saw pictures or drawings from typical spanking of adults and parents spanking children. However, I also saw images of pure torture. Hangings, severe beatings etc. So I stopped and gathered myself and looked up images on the topic of discipline. What I found was far more supportive and likely to provide a lesson.

Years ago, a friend of mine received a punishment because she spoke up to a Dom because of things she felt strongly about. He decided to punish her with breaking a limit she had. He also had another there that he gave pleasure to as a way to show her what she was missing out on. When he left the room, he told the one being punished that she now had to deal with the emotions of the one who wasn’t being punished.  How was this this going to help any of them?  What lesson did it teach?  To my knowledge – None.  It did form a friendship bond between the two women – who tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to this past year, and the sub who was used for pleasure was now being punished for not being available when he wanted her to be (she wasn’t owned by him anymore) and he used a similar punishment.  He punished her by making her please him while he was kissing and paying attention to another sub. He wanted to hurt her emotionally for not being available. Instead what he did was push her away and it changed her views on him and she left him.  Granted a lesson learned, but not the one the Dom sought to teach her.

This is punishment – it is done in anger and without thought given to what lesson needs to be learned. No growth happens.  Fear and/or distrust is the result.

Unlike punishment, discipline is done with intention. Whether it is self-discipline or at the hands of your Dom, the intention is to help you grow and achieve the goals you have.

For example, I have a rule about sending 2 pics a day to Sir. I have the option of asking for a reprieve when overly busy or sick. So there is no reason for me to miss sending them. Except I often forget.  So the last time I forgot, I had to send a picture every hour throughout my day except those that I was in meetings.  This lesson was learned and I haven’t missed a pic since.  I know why I send these pics and I genuinely want to send them.  They are normal pics where he gets to see my smiling face, so easy to take.

The way he handled it was to drive home my goal for pleasing him and remind me of the task at the same time.  This was discipline that taught a lesson. And I’m grateful for my wonderful Sir that he understood punishment would not correct the forgetfulness or remind me of the joy we both have in the task to begin with.

If anyone else would like to share their thoughts on this, it could be a great discussion.

Learning the “Little” Things

Exactly like this.

Freedom Hunter

She had no idea that the tone of her voice could give her away. When I told her, she said it made her feel “a little crazy.”

As we talked this morning, I noticed something different.  Nothing dramatic but evident. I realized I was talking to the woman. So I asked her, “are you feeling little right now?” Her response was “no, not really.” I knew it. I told her I knew it. I told her that her tone was different. Her giggle wasn’t quite the same. I assured her this was not a bad thing. That we all have different modes and moods, and are multi dimensional.

That’s when she said she felt “a little crazy.” Though I suspect vulnerable was the more appropriate word. She was letting me peek through a crack in one of those walls. I let her know those feelings we’re perfectly okay. They were…

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Self Reflection and Being Grateful

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I’m a Little….. what does that mean?  This was the start of several months of deep reflection and a deeper look into myself.  This has led to a much more balanced and happier me.

When I first had the little thoughts, I truly thought I was crazy. Not me!  I couldn’t be a little, I’m so in control, focused and always by the book.  How on earth am I a little.  Well the truth was, I hid my little deep inside. I prevented her from coming out and I kept walls up around me so that no one could see that childlike vulnerability.

But oh did she ever come out in ways that I never understood.  I’ve had friendships and relationships that had ups and downs (normal right!)…. well some of them cared enough to tell me that what I thought and felt wasn’t always how I portrayed myself to the outside world. That only a few really were given the vantage of knowing my heart and thoughts.   So I always believed that it was my walls that were there to protect me from being hurt or walked all over. When the reality was, those things still happened.

What I learned in my little coming out, is that my emotional reactions to situations were my little’s reactions and because I denied her, I didn’t see them as others saw them. I was blinded by my walls.  My reactions were very much childish and sometimes selfish but more often than not, my reactions led to an unhappiness that was my own doing. I took everything personally and I defended myself even when it wasn’t necessary.  My emotional behavior was very childlike because it was the only way I apparently ever let my little out.  When I was sad or hurt.

Now seeing this in myself and knowing where it comes from, can I truly grow.  I’m not there yet as this is only the beginning, but with Daddy’s guidance and encouragement I’m stronger than my little feels and being vulnerable is far more ok than my exterior adult understands.

Yes, I said Daddy…. my little is very much happy with the term given to my cherished Sir and my adult is trying to understand the why.  They are working together and that is where the balance comes in. My adult acknowledging my little and working to let them have their needs met is something I’m mindful of these days.

I’m grateful to those littles that I follow and those that read my blog for sharing their lives and helping me to see just how natural it really is to be a little. I’m grateful to those that tried to help me see in past relationships because you set the foundation for me to understand at some point. I’m grateful to my friends and loved ones that accept me for who I am and don’t find my little to be a fault. And I’m grateful to Daddy for guiding me out and teaching my adult how to play nice.

I’m definitely a happier me these days.