Oh how complicated simple things can become. More like how complicated we make things out to be. I try so hard to keep a simple existence but my life is complicated by nature. Add in emotions and I’m a complicated web of crazy. This weekend was a testament to that.
I had big hopes and dreams for a quiet and wonderful weekend, relaxing, spending time with J and D, no kids and then seeing some friends as well. A weekend of enjoyment. After all it is the only weekend this month that D and I do not have something major going on that will severely limit our time to be together. And I haven’t seen J for a month… I thought I had conveyed how important this weekend was to me and my concerns how tough this month was going to be. I thought I was clear. Apparently not.
I slept most of Friday given some crazy in the neighborhood late at night that kept me awake, but then I enjoyed a quiet lunch with mom and learning my arrangements for Saturday were all in the air. Spending time fixing everything, having to take my little sis, from another mother to the airport and then having 4 teenage boys overnight kept the energy ebbing and flowing. So Saturday rolls around and I had a short meeting to be followed by some time with J before D came over. I was happy and so looking forward to it all. I was like a kid in a toy store.
J got tied up and couldn’t make it. I was disappointed but happy that I was still going to have a wonderful night with D and wasn’t going to get too bent out of shape. Hoping he could stay overnight. But understood that might not happen. Since I now had extra time before D got there, I decided to cook us dinner. I love to cook and was thrilled to cook for him the first time. Then we had such wonderful scene time. We tried some new things that worked really well and it left me spent. Curled up in his arms, I was so relaxed that I fell asleep. (I’ve not been able to do this before.) It was so amazingly wonderful. Then he shifted and said the words that shot me awake and left me poised to fight. He said he had to go home. It was only 9 pm. I was hurt, angry and terribly out of sorts. I felt cheap and used (not in the good way). I tried hard to control my outward reaction and get my wits together before answering him. I rolled away to pull it together and figure out my words. He got up and dressed. I didn’t want to hurt him but didn’t understand either. I needed that night with him, even if he couldn’t stay over, but did he have to leave so early? He didn’t arrive until 5. We hadn’t even had time to talk or be silly. Just eat and intense scene then wonderful cuddles after. It was selfish of him to leave like that. It was selfish of me to need more.
As I spoke I kept as much calm in my voice as I could and tried to explain that the night was so wonderful and I enjoyed every minute but I didn’t understand why he had to rush off so early. He said I ruined the night so I reminded him all I had to do to give us the private time and now he was leaving me home all alone. I had thought we might go see a local band play but had been happy to be in his arms instead. He was mad, wouldn’t look at me. And it broke my heart. I wanted to make it better, to take his hurt away. I started to cry and felt awful. I told him how much stress this month was putting on me and how tonight was our only time, its why I worked so hard to give us this one night. I reminded him how much I needed him, how not seeing him all week made me miss him that much more. And how with him away next weekend, I’m already missing him. It sucked.
He held me and soothed away the tears. He calmly explained that he only had 5 hours to give me since he was so busy with packing and the changes happening in his life. He said that he didn’t understand how important that night was to me as he didn’t catch the depth of my concerns for this month. He reassured me he wasn’t mad at me (which I thought he was) that he was upset with the situation. He explained that the changes of the next few weeks would give us more time together and to keep focusing on that. He is right. I know this. My mind just refuses to be reassured whereas my heart gets it. He added that for the time being he would be mindful to let me know his max. time availability while we get through this busy month. That simple thing made sense. Yes if I was prepared for it to be a short night I would have been able to handle it.
We talked a little bit more and I got dressed to walk him out. I didn’t want to let him go. I needed to feel his touch. But I had to. It was sad, felt like a piece of me left with him. Instead of going inside and being miserable all night (I’m a night owl so sleep would not come for hours), I went over to my mom’s to see my visiting relatives. It helped ease the emptiness that I felt, the loss. But as soon as I got home and curled up in bed, I could smell him. I surrounded myself with pillows so I could sleep. We texted a bit as he arrived home and then I drifted off.
Unfortunately my mind would not leave me be and I had to analyze why my reactions were so strong, so intense. I missed him as if I wouldn’t see him again. I realized my feelings and my submission are growing very deep for him and how at peace I really am when with him. When he leaves, I have to prepare myself to deal with the big bad world alone again. That’s hard to do. Even tougher when we only see each other once a week (for now). So when he leaves, I want more time, I need more time. I don’t want to have to be strong and face things alone. I need to be protected, cherished and safe.
It took me most of Sunday to realize that and we had a great discussion about it. He understood all along what was behind it, even when I didn’t. He knew that I’d figure it out and realize that he is only a text away and while his arms aren’t there to cuddle me, his spirit is. And I know the complications of this month is to move him a little closer to me and work which will free up more time for us to see each other even during the week. Weekends will be more open when his daughter leaves for college and his major work renovation project wraps up at the end of August.
He says to “have patience my pet”…
oh to be that simple…
But it is…