J and I finally found some time to play. Very early this morning before going off to work. We haven’t seen each other in over a month or more. I missed him. He is much harsher with me than D is and so it balances me out quite nicely. Both are intense and push my boundaries quite well. Both care for me and I know I’m safe with them.
So today, J pushed my breath play experience to the hilt. On top of spanking me with a 2×4, which I can still feel as if it just this second happened. But back to the breath play… my experiences have been fairly light, a hand over my mouth while I’m gasping for air or a firm grip on my neck. Notice my nose has been free to breath if necessary. However today J decided to firmly put his hand over my nose and mouth which at first there was a calmness, then the gasping for air but not getting any and then the fight. Fighting hard to move his hand, he firmly holds one of my arms between us and holding my other hand away from us. I’m gasping, fighting for air, screaming behind his hand. And just when I think I can’t handle it he lets go… he holds me, caresses my face, lets me catch my breath and then does it again.
He had me on my belly and he lying on top of me, he firmly puts his hand over my face and mouth again. He’s too tall for me to push him off of me, too strong to fight fairly. I’m panicking and not aware of what I’m doing. I’m fighting and screaming and clawing at whatever I can. He’s whispering in my ear that the key to it is to catch me on my exhale, makes the panic come faster. Desperately trying to get him off of me, I somehow manage to pinch the back of his arm, giving him a bruise and nice scratch. I don’t even realize I did that. I can feel my muscles losing strength, I can’t fight anymore. Then he removes his hand. Sounds like this was a long time, it felt that way, but it was moments. I’m sobbing but no tears.
I know I needed to be pushed like this. I needed to cry. J knew it too. So did D. With D, I can’t cry… there is so much peace and contentment, a release of a different form. So J needed to do it. He kept threatening breath play again, wouldn’t let me curl into him, he wanted to “torture” me some more. So firm slaps and squeezes to give me a few light bruises and then the tears poured. He gave me space to let it out but he kept insuring I was okay. I was and am. May cry later when safely back home and can fully embrace the drop I’m feeling and let go of the stress that has built up inside me.
I will never forget this morning, the intensity, the harshness, the all knowing of what I needed, the strength and the care given.