For all the Unicorn Fans

IMG_0594[1]

I saw this in the card section of a store….. its actually a card – but the button makes wonderful Unicorn sounds.  Had to share!

Advertisements

Lost! If found please return

brain

Do you have those times when you seem to lose your mind and you can’t find it?

The past few weeks have been like this for me.  Now I know that I have a lot going on in my life… work being very busy right now, going back to school, teaching, being a mom to teenagers and a wonderful relationship with D. Not to mention complicated past relationships.  So yes there are valid reasons for my declining mental capacity.

What bothers me most is that I have failed to obey a routine rule, not once, not twice…. multiple times…. all because I honestly forgot.

A few weeks ago, D gave me a “fun” task to do while enjoying an evening of watching television.  But because I multi-tasking, I forgot to insert the toy.  Completely forgot.  Later when he asked, I was shocked that I had forgotten something so fun….   Needless to say I was punished and I served my punishment well.  It fit the “fail” because it was something I had to do over a few days and it required me to be in the moment and remember.  I was very good and did.

However, in the process I forgot to send my daily two pics to him.  One is of me smiling and the other is my choice.  He gave me a reprieve as we were both quite busy and he knew I was focused on the punishment.  I still was upset by forgetting something else while being punished for forgetting a task.  He was much more understanding than I was.

And here I am forgetting once again.  I forgot to get gas yesterday, so I was on fumes this morning, I forgot to buy more oatmeal for breakfast at work and I forgot to send both pics yesterday.  And now I’m supposed to remember to remind him this weekend that I’m due a punishment for forgetting.  I’m seriously doubting my memory abilities right now.

Thanks for reading my rant.

Writing the Contract

contract

A Dominant / submissive contract is a task in reflection, intention, motivation and emotion.  It’s a chance for growth.

Before you even begin to write a D/s or M/s contract there are some things that you need to reflect upon. These are a few that I spent time on as I’ve been tasked with writing an agreement for D and I. Of course both of us had to do these things and discuss them before anything went down on paper.

You reflect back on past relationships, what worked, what didn’t.

You reflect on how you’ve grown as a person.

You reflect on what you need now.

You reflect on what you need from your partner.

What are your intentions in creating a contract? Is it a contract or an agreement? What is the term or length intended?  There are many questions that you have to ask yourselves.

What are your roles and responsibilities to each other and relationship overall?

What are your limits?

How will you treat amending or terminating the agreement?

How detailed do you want it to be?  Rules, rituals, guidelines spelled out or noted in general terms?

Expectations regarding other partner?

How are punishments acknowledged and handled?

To engage in the D/s or M/s lifestyle requires a level of motivation. There are needs, wants and desires of both the Dominant and the submissive.  What are yours?  What are your must haves?

Some things I needed to include for myself involved ensuring that the language used expressed that there is a full relationship here, not just for scenes/play.  Love, cherishing and respect were large factors in my motivation as his submissive. Language of inclusion in each other’s daily lives was a motivator (not because we aren’t doing that, but to ensure it remains a part of our dynamic). I also wanted to ensure that my relationships with family, friends and my career were considerations so that I do not lose myself in our relationship (not for him, but for myself).  For him, my obedience in and out of the bedroom is ensured for our power exchange dynamic to work. He wanted to ensure I’d safeword if necessary. He also has identified walls that he is carefully dismantling and so language on my agreement to overcome some of these obstacles is written in.  We even included goals for one another for the duration of the agreement.

This task is overall an emotional one.  You dig deep into your past, present and hopes for your future together. For me, there were emotional things from my past that I wanted to ensure would not be present in our future.  Challenges in our present that we don’t want to negatively effect us. For me, the emotions I’m feeling are of joy, pleasure and hope. There is nervousness for the intentions we’ve voiced to be put out there in black and white, signed in ink.  But, note the emotions are positive ones.  If there was any negativity, hesitation or fears, this would not be signed. We’d have to address those concerns and alter the contract until the emotions are all positive.

So this weekend, D and I will sit down and review this together. We will go section by section and ensure our joint agreement. We will adjust as needed (likely minimal as this was previewed individually before editing). We know its content.  We will add to our goals for the duration of our agreement (6 months for this first contract). And our intention is to sign it and to begin this next phase of our relationship.

For some, their contracts will include language that the Dominant will provide a token of his ownership over the submissive, such as a collar.  While D and I have discussed collaring (don’t know if he has that planned for this weekend or not), but I didn’t want that included.  I personally felt the collaring is a separate event and it being a material item that I didn’t feel should be a motivator for the relationship.  JMHO.

Stay tuned….

 

 

Note to self…

note to selfHave you written a note to yourself yet?

I have never done this but boy I wish I had many times.  I could have used it when my self-confidence was lacking, when I couldn’t believe in the words from others, when I loathed myself. Today, I learned I’ve hit a milestone in my own self confidence. 

My former dom, has been in touch with me again. He has been reminding me that he created me and thus has a connection that will remain.  That’s fine, because he was my first Dom, there is a connection that just can’t be broken. He unlocked my soul, but did not create it.  Semantics? Maybe… but there is truth in unlocking.

He wanted to see where I was in my growth and acceptance of myself. In re-reading my responses to him I caught words like, I’ve evolved, this is working for me, allowing, embracing, positive, valued, worthy, happy, playful, confident, partnerships, communication, wonderful, admitting to myself, no longer ashamed, environment to just be me and I’m present.

I also listed all the things I’m doing personally and professionally, serving on a Board, volunteering and hosting events, loving my work, eating better, exercising and enjoying life. 

No more sad doormat here.  I’m happy and I’m present.  I’ve regained my self-confidence back and I like who I am. I like my relationships and I’m surrounding myself with positive influences. 

My hope is for anyone, who is down on themselves…. that you write yourself a note and remind yourself the things you need to hear.

I’m not always confident…. moments of insecurities. But knowing that I have this confidence in me to say those things to my former, means its there and I just have to start wearing it. 

confidence

Rambled thoughts on service

TheSubmissiveAs a submissive, I long to please another. I’m fulfilled by my service to my Dom.  Sometimes that service is to another of his choosing.

It could be in helping a friend move, or it could be in other more pleasurable ways.  I’ve been loaned out before, but former was always present.  And safety precautions taken.  The humiliation that brings speaks to a darker side of my needs and desires. 

With D, to date, I’ve been able to choose anyone that I’m with in that way. I don’t decide the what we do, but I get to decide who I’m willing to play with.  That in itself gives me confidence and a secure comfort. 

My thoughts and feelings vary depending upon who I’m with.  I prefer to have a friendship outside of any play/use that may happen.  Without this, I’m much more timid and will focus solely on pleasing my Dom. When there is a friendship, I’ll be in the moment giving and receiving pleasure. When done, my thoughts turn to my Dom and his pleasure from it. 

I’m still coming to terms with this part of myself and my submission. Not because it doesn’t fit, but because it does.  The fact that D knew this about me within the first few times talking was unsettling, but now it provides a peace because I don’t have to worry about it so much and I know he takes care of me. Former knew it too and he expanded on it and pushed me, sometimes too far too fast, but they innately knew how to reach and train me.

I realize this is a bit of a jumbled mess of thoughts, so forgive me.  I’m embracing my natural being and the words itched to come out.

Disclaimer:  I feel the need to have a disclaimer here for others who might be loaned out for service. I’ve read about subs being loaned out to strangers where their Dom is not present.  This scares me. So many issues pop up in my mind.  I hope that others engaging in this service raise those concerns with their Dom.  Safe, Sane and Consensual are critical.

I’ve been lucky in this way, but I’m also very self protective too.  I know I am a pleasure slave and to be whole, I need this. However, I’m also a woman and to receive the enormous amounts of pleasure that come with it, I also need to protect me and my partners. Its still my job to ensure my safety if others are not thinking about it.

 

 

Take a deep breath and release…

dropMost intense morning ever… in fact I’m still in sub drop as I write this.

J and I finally found some time to play.  Very early this morning before going off to work.  We haven’t seen each other in over a month or more.  I missed him.  He is much harsher with me than D is and so it balances me out quite nicely.  Both are intense and push my boundaries quite well. Both care for me and I know I’m safe with them.

So today, J pushed my breath play experience to the hilt. On top of spanking me with a 2×4, which I can still feel as if it just this second happened.  But back to the breath play…  my experiences have been fairly light, a hand over my mouth while I’m gasping for air or a firm grip on my neck. Notice my nose has been free to breath if necessary.  However today J decided to firmly put his hand over my nose and mouth which at first there was a calmness, then the gasping for air but not getting any and then the fight. Fighting hard to move his hand, he firmly holds one of my arms between us and holding my other hand away from us. I’m gasping, fighting for air, screaming behind his hand. And just when I think I can’t handle it he lets go… he holds me, caresses my face, lets me catch my breath and then does it again.  

He had me on my belly and he lying on top of me, he firmly puts his hand over my face and mouth again.  He’s too tall for me to push him off of me, too strong to fight fairly.  I’m panicking and not aware of what I’m doing. I’m fighting and screaming and clawing at whatever I can. He’s whispering in my ear that the key to it is to catch me on my exhale, makes the panic come faster.  Desperately trying to get him off of me, I somehow manage to pinch the back of his arm, giving him a bruise and nice scratch. I don’t even realize I did that.  I can feel my muscles losing strength, I can’t fight anymore. Then he removes his hand.   Sounds like this was a long time, it felt that way, but it was moments. I’m sobbing but no tears.

I know I needed to be pushed like this. I needed to cry.  J knew it too.  So did D.  With D, I can’t cry… there is so much peace and contentment, a release of a different form.  So J needed to do it.  He kept threatening breath play again, wouldn’t let me curl into him, he wanted to “torture” me some more. So firm slaps and squeezes to give me a few light bruises and then the tears poured. He gave me space to let it out but he kept insuring I was okay.   I was and am.  May cry later when safely back home and can fully embrace the drop I’m feeling and let go of the stress that has built up inside me.

I will never forget this morning, the intensity, the harshness, the all knowing of what I needed, the strength and the care given.