Passion = Suffering

passionBeing a pleasure slave, many of my tasks are to either provide D pleasure or to receive it. Even when apart.  Sometimes this involves lots of easy, fun tasks and others involve a bit of suffering.  That’s why the quote above is so appropriate.

Today is one of those days.  I was given a bunch of tasks to complete by the end of the work day.  Some of these had to do with accomplishing some reading goals that I need to reach, others were to help him with his upcoming move.  Yet others were focused solely on sexual pleasure.

The task was to pick a toy or object of choice and use it to stimulate all erogenous zones, send a note with a complete description and the result of the stimulation.   This is a fun, arousing, exciting task….. and it feeds his sadistic streak.  So I know he is getting lots of pleasure reading the various notes.  I too received much pleasure as a result.

I was so proud of myself, I accomplished all the tasks by mid day…. He was pleased.  But instead of giving me the afternoon off, he gave me more.  These were far more intense, by adding our essential oil mix to it, causing a heated yet cold tingle to add to my overly aroused spots.  Its so hard to focus when all I want is the release from all this pent up arousal….  And I still have to wait another two days.

If passion means to suffer for it…. then I’m there and beyond. I told D, if he was here I’d be in ecstasy… since he isn’t, I’m cursing him. But the reality is I love these kinds of tasks, shhhh don’t tell Him.

First Fight

tearsI was sad this weekend because D couldn’t come over.  It sucked because I had cleared the day in advance for us to have the whole afternoon/evening together and the privacy needed for it to just be the two of us. We haven’t had this kind of time in a month and it was really needed.

I’d been stressed due to family stuff, I needed this time with him even if we did nothing but sit on the sofa and watch movies.  He hadn’t been feeling well from mid-week and then Saturday morning seemed to be doing fine.  He had gone back home after a few errands and decided to eat, shower and rest before coming over.  This meant late afternoon he’d arrive.  Well 5 minutes before he was to leave, he sent a text that he wasn’t feeling well again.  An hour later another text that he was angry that he felt fine all day until now.

He knew I cleared the day for him. He knew I was sitting home alone patiently waiting.  And now this….   I tried not to respond, but he asked how I was and the floodgates opened.  I was hurt, angry and felt like a fool.  I wasn’t on any level being logical, it was pure raw emotion.  I tried to explain it wasn’t a good time for me to explain because nothing made sense.  He pushed that button and it turned into a full on argument.

I was hurt that it felt like I wasn’t important enough to just drive the 45 minutes to relax with me, was angry that everything was left in the air all day and a last minute cancel and I felt like a fool for carving out all the time for him.  (No real logic in any of that)

I was sobbing and apologizing for my side profusely just hoping it would end.  I was already sad enough.  His being angry with me for pointing out how upset I was made him feel worse, made me feel even more upset.  I couldn’t understand how he didn’t want me to point out that his not coming down bothered me. He said that he never said he wasn’t coming, but he sure implied it.  I mentioned this and nothing was resolved.

After a lot of tears and his angry words, we finally dealt with the real issue which is I was extremely stressed out to begin with and that he should have let me have the space needed to get logic back in my mind before we had the conversation.  It still didn’t change that he didn’t come down, so I spent the day/evening alone on the sofa….. lonely and miserable.  I ended up with a full on migraine.

However, I need to realize that he already knew I was upset and that I don’t need to point it out specifically unless it is about something new.  Yes, his not being able to come down has happened before at the last minute (all good reasons) and he knows how it makes me feel.  He does apologize for it and does attempt to make it up to me.

While the weekend was a bust, having to get through this first fight (and via text no less) was one that any new relationship is put through the paces.  We survived our first fight with only some tears and a headache…  A hug would have been preferred but being reminded you are loved and we will work on our issues together was a good thing.

His

torment

I am His!

How do I know?

He shuts me up with a look
with a kiss
with a whisper

He takes what he wants with a smile
with a spark in his eye

He is rough
demanding
unapologetic

He leaves me in a heap
of mindless pleasure
wet
breathless
at peace

Yes I am His
to do with as he pleases

Thank you Sir

Words + Actions = Service

What is service? It is something different to each Dom/Master. Is this simply being available to him when he needs or wants me? Is this having responsibility for certain tasks that he had deemed important to him or the dynamic? Is this being of sexual service? What does being in service mean? How am I of service?

I asked myself these questions months ago and here is what I wrote… If my Dom had a busy day and needed dry cleaning picked up, I’d happily do it. If we were working together and it was my job to make sure we ate a healthy lunch, then I’d make that happen. If it was my job to be sexually ready for him at any moment, then I’d be ready. If he needed me to plan a party for his office, then I’d do that. If he needed me to review his taxes, well I’m qualified to do that. If he asked me to fix his car – well I’m not qualified and thus would suggest people who could. That is all being in service as well and that’s what it is to me.

Now what does it mean to me….

At our BBQ, D asked me to refill his drink.  I did.  A bit later he asked me to make him a burger, I asked the appropriate questions and I went off to make it.  Not much thought given to it.  When we talked about our favorite parts of the day we shared…. my response was that my favorite part was serving him, getting his food and drink.  He was surprised.  Hmm?

He thought that my aversion to domestic service would also have me not want to do things like that.  He said that those were more slave tendencies.  I am a slave.

I respectfully let him know that I had more slave tendencies but had not had many opportunities to show them. And while I do not receive pleasure from house maid service I do happily wish to be of service to him in ways that make his life easier and make him happy.  I am a pleasure slave.

He simply replied that he could see that.  hmm…

So I sit back and review my words of service before and I how I feel now that I am in a relationship. As his pleasure slave, I am his to do with as he wishes (respective limits agreed upon). My pleasure is in making him happy, being ready for him, doing tasks he assigns and in showing my happiness and gratitude. As our relationship grows, my slave heart will certainly come out and want to do more for him.

In fact it has been… I have found that I’m begging him to give me tasks that aren’t “sexual based” tasks. We haven’t found this groove yet and so these kinds of tasks haven’t fit in yet. But I’m sure they will.

For now my service is sending pics, doing tasks assigned, eating healthier and being happy.  It is pleasing him in ways that he wants to be pleased and in ways that strengthen our relationship in my words and actions.

The Clearing

I’m not one to ask for or typically enjoy being spanked.  Never quite been my thing because I despise sting.  So when D mentioned regular discipline I hesitated and continuously changed the subject.  I didn’t want to discuss it let alone experience it.

I’ve written before that I had one experience with being spanked to tears and it being a release. It was needed. I’d been overwhelmed and not myself.  I didn’t see that as discipline because in 6 years it only happened once.  So I did not connect the two dots.

The past few weeks, I’ve been kinda bratty with D and its bothered me. We talked about it and I realized that because I’m no longer in a relationship that is emotionally abusive to me, I don’t have the outlet for tears, stress, etc.  Because things are in a good, happy and growing stage with D, I haven’t needed to cry things out but my mind needs that clearing.

So this weekend before a BBQ with friends, D decided I needed a spanking.  In his arms cuddled, I bolted upright asking what did I do?  He smiled and said because I want to.

He led me into another room with a very sturdy chair and had me bend over using the arms to hold myself from falling.  He caressed and relaxed me before delivering what seemed like many blows to my ass and surrounding sensitive skin.  Commenting on a nice shade of red.  I squirmed and he adamantly told me to be still.  Knowing that I wasn’t going to disobey and he wasn’t going to back off, I gave into it. I let the smacks reign down.  He let one or two smacks to very sensitive areas that left a single handprint.  I jolted from those, but the rest I let my mind clear of all the things going on in it.  He took off his belt and scared me by snapping it. He liked my reaction, but he only used it lightly to deliver some light thuddy swats.

Then he took me from behind in a very feral, needy way.  I was gone….. nothing left in this head of mine but pure connected energy.  Knees buckled, breathing shallow, orgasm building… smacks still delivered. He whispered in my ear asking if I was okay, I nodded.  I was heading to subspace.

Unfortunately we had to end as guests would be arriving so after one explosive orgasm each, I fell into the chair.  We then went to the sofa to cuddle and enjoy the aftermath.  Somewhere along the line I thanked him and he chuckled.

He knew I needed this and he didn’t give in to my resistance…. he cleared my mind and now we both want more…

Pouting…

Image

You know those moments, when your Dom says something that you aren’t happy about and without thinking you pout.  Either you aren’t getting what you want, or you just learned something that disappoints you…. whatever it might be…. you stick out your bottom lip to express your emotions.

I rarely realize I’m doing it.  So the other day I’m with D and he tells me my punishment for my brattiness of late, and while nodding my understanding, I also pouted.  He reprimanded me that I was not to pout.  Then he was teasing me and I pouted again….  He reminded me.  Well I did it again….. and that time I realized before he spoke. I put my hand over my mouth and apologized…..   Nope he wasn’t having it. Right there in the car I had to endure a few smacks to my bottom.   Embarrassed and confused because I don’t realize I’m pouting, he simply wasn’t going to let it go on.   Not a minute after he brought up my punishment again and I pouted yet again.  Ugh!  This time he laughed and let it slide because I did try to catch it in mid pout.

I’m not used to being punished and even more so for little things like pouting….  I think I’ve met my match in D