Peace and chaos seem to run hand in hand…
A relaxing Friday, lunch with loved ones and then accomplishing my reading goals, I settled in for a discussion with D. It turned into chaos…… with me misunderstanding his intentions and he reading into something I said as a negative and complaint. In circles we went, trying to explain ourselves another way. All via text.
He hates to talk on phone but I could only take so much. I called him as I went out for my nightly walk. I asked him to please just listen. I debunked what he thought I was expressing and he kept trying to get me to understand how the words hurt him. I didn’t understand because they weren’t hurtful. It was that we have varying viewpoints on some topics and that hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do. We talked it out. He finally got me to understand why the words hurt.
He said that if I’m saying to him, that I need more from him, then it hurts him. Because as my Dom and Owner, he provides for my needs. So when I’m expressing needing something, it is saying that he isn’t providing for my needs or my needs aren’t being met. And therefore, he isn’t doing a good job at providing. If he isn’t doing his job, he feels bad and thus hurt.
OMG, I never understood this before. Talk about a powerful conversation. It made complete sense to me and I’m so grateful he was able to communicate that to me. As a sub, I realize I feel the same type of hurt when my Dom says he is stressed or needs to get things done, and there is nothing I can do about it. I’m not saying he hurt me, but that I’m hurt. There is a difference. I wasn’t hearing that in the conversation.
Unfortunately the conversation was so deep and intense and D stayed up too late to be able to get to me early in the morning to go on a planned tour with me. I was disgruntled to go alone, tho I knew early hour would be too much for him. I was also annoyed that he hadn’t made it to my house by time I got home. In fact he left his at the time I arrived home. He sent a note with how and where I should be waiting when he arrived. I saw them and was hesitating to respond. Then I did and a little happiness settled back in.
When he arrived and came into my room, I was waiting as expected. He leaned down and kissed the back of my neck and all the chaos melted away and such peace came over me.
The next few hours were intense and desperately needed for both of us. I could not believe that all frustration, disgruntlement and hesitation melted away in one single moment and simple act.
The rest of the evening was in pure joy and happiness. We enjoyed a great dinner out and then game time with friends. Even now, 2 days later, I feel contentment and peace in knowing what his feelings are about, what drives him, what matters and that even among the chaos, there is always peace to be found in each other’s arms.