Why I don’t want a Daddy!

daddy

In my last post, a reader didn’t understand why my little doesn’t want a daddy.  I’m trying to understand that myself. 

What I do know is that I had a daddy and rarely saw him due to a divorce and his military career kept him away a lot. I loved him immensely and I knew he loved me.  He died when I was 21 and I knew I’d never have another daddy nor did I want anyone to replace him.  When I got married, I couldn’t call my father in law  “dad”, it didn’t feel right to me. It felt like a betrayal to my father.

For the past six + years in this lifestyle, I’ve known many littles and I’ve known their daddies.  I’ve always liked their dynamics and felt happiness for them. With my former Master, he wasn’t Master or Sir, he was my “King”.  I looked up to him, I revered him, I submitted before him.  That was powerful.

Now that I’m in a new relationship and learning that I have a little in me that is venturing out, I’ve had to think about what that means for me.  With D, I haven’t found the right name/title for him.  Sir works well in my acknowledgement of his requests and his real name in our general conversations. But “daddy” doesn’t feel right. 

He exudes many of the qualities of a daddy dom.  His love, protection and cherishing of me is evident in his words and actions.  He is guiding me like a daddy would.  But he isn’t a daddy. He is my lover, my strength. He is my protector and my mate.  He is my partner.

This still doesn’t answer why I don’t need a daddy.  I guess it comes down to my dad, gave me life, gave me love, and was there when I needed him as a child and adolescent in ways that he could. My little is on that edge of growing up but what she needs to learn, isn’t from her daddy.  Its from herself.  Its finding her own voice, her independence, her own strengths.  To take what her parents instilled in her and find her truth.  To stand with another who will share in her journey and support her goals and help fill her desires. My little wants to grow up, she is ready for it. She needs that person or persons in her life that nurture that growth and show her how to not be scared of the scary world of being an adult.

Every little with a daddy is extremely lucky to have him and I am filled with joy for you.  For my little, she is lucky to have someone who understands her and sees the little girl in the adult world and is there to guide her.  So no daddy for my little, but someone who treats her like a daddy would want for their little girl.

 

 

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Zoo

Beautiful words, even more beautiful reality.

MB Blissett

I accept you
For who you are
Who you were
You don’t need me to
Absolve or resolve you
You’re not a problem to be solved
Nothing needs fixing
You’re meant to be
Played with
Handled with a firm certainty
Like the wild animal
I know you would
like to become
At quiet intervals
You look glorious,
Kneeling as you wait to be
Told to be free

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Who is my little…

girl peekingFinding out that I have a “little” inside me that is peeking her head out has had me deeply reflecting on what she needs.

I suspect she might be between 8 and 12.  I think I know some of her fears, which center on not being good enough – smart enough, pretty enough…  She wants to be loved, guided, cherished and respected.  She is a mini-adult, wanting to grow up but not knowing how.  She makes mistakes and is embarrassed by them, wants people to like her and want her around. She wants to have fun and have lots of friends. She wants to fit in. She wants to be silly and carefree. She wants to sing, dance and be seen.

Ah but the adult that she hides inside is shy and protective. I am focused and hardworking. I try too hard and put on a brave and strong facade to hide the little girl.  I like to stand out professionally but also fade into the background personally.  Except when with people I trust and know they care for me, they want me around.  Then I ease up and can be more silly and carefree.  I embarrass easily and take things more personally than I want to.  These are my walls. They are oddly formed and a mesh of materials.  They don’t look good together.

brick wallsI read about littles and it is heartwarming about how daddies help them and nuture them. Its adorable that littles like to color and play and snuggle with stuffed animals.  In many ways, I wish my little were that young. Instead she is on the horizon of adolescence.  A tougher time to just be.

My little doesn’t want a daddy.  She wants to grow up but safely and soundly. She wants guidance and taught how to be a confident little girl.  She wants to enjoy life and have fun doing what makes sense for her. Does this make sense? Does that resonate with anyone else?

The one thing I’ve noticed is that security, discipline, love, nurturing, attention and being wanted are key elements by all of us.

 

Finding my Little….

little beachThis is the story of discovering I have a little…

I’ve been with D for 3 months now.  His dominance is felt and yet its so different from what I’ve known and experienced before.  Being that analytical one, I have to understand why.  I’ve also realized that I’m very different with D than my former dom.  Why?

I’ve been bratty with D, playful, sarcastic and well honestly just being me with him.  The brat thing has bothered me, because I didn’t understand why.  I’m normally a very obedient submissive.  So why do I brat with D? I’m comfortable with him, I feel safe, I don’t have to hide behind a tough persona, I also don’t have to let him walk all over me.  In fact he doesn’t want that.  So this really allows me to just be me. 

I’ve talked to a good friend of mine about it and its really a great thing to find someone that you are so comfortable around that your walls disappear (or not needed).  I talked to D about it and he was a bit surprised that I didn’t understand my bratty side.  This has been an ongoing discussion and self-analysis for a few weeks.

In the past few weeks I’ve been far more playful with D. My brat surfacing again, in teasing ways.  He pointed my “attitude” out and assured me that he enjoyed it. He liked me being feisty.  I also reprimanded him about something.  He called me on it.  So we discussed how comfortable I was and how his style of dominance allowed me to let go of my walls.  I agreed.  But then he said something that gave me pause.  He said that he has seen and understands that at times I need to be handled like a child.  He was prepared for a fight. But the words hit home.  He’s right.

More self-analysis…..  and I realized that my need for rules and structure and more importantly my need for discipline has all been pointing in this direction.  I have a “little” in me.  She’s never felt safe enough to surface outright.  She’s only shown herself in my reactions to things that hurt.  Now she’s making herself known because he has provided me an environment where she can. 

I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it makes so much sense.  He sees straight through me which is a bit unsettling, but very much wanted and appreciated. D understands that my little is testing him.  So now that I’ve found my little, now what?

I’m not sure how to handle her, or what to do about her.  Anyone have any good advice?

 

Little Things

little things

Its always the little things that we tend to enjoy the most yet forget about in the long run.   I know I’m guilty of that in past relationships.  While grateful at the time, it gets lost in the crazy of life and we don’t think too much on it, until something big happens forcing us to have to think about it again.

Today, I’m turning over a new leaf….   I want to remember the little things when they happen and then post them here.  Hope you enjoy reading them, and I’d love to hear about your little things too.

Yesterday, D invited me to come out after work to see him.  Yay!  Little thing.   When I got to the little pizza shop that I picked to meet, he had gotten stuck at the car dealers 2 blocks away because they gave him such a great offer on a trade in, he couldn’t pass it up.  He asked me to be patient (which is not my virtue).   I got something to eat and settled in to read my textbook.  (Another chapter done) Yay!

So while we thought only a half hour delay, turned into 2 hours.  I stayed patient. Yay! (an accomplishment). He would text me and apologize and explain what was going on .  Then he swung by in the new car to pick me up as he had to go sign some paperwork at another office.  He was happy and less stressed.  That made me happy.   When we got there, the sales rep said “Oh this must be your wife”  before I could answer, D said, “not my wife, but she is my girlfriend.”   Little thing that felt so wonderful. (happy dance)   We drove back to my car and sat there.  D played with all the buttons in his new car and was silly.  Like a kid with a new toy.  It was awesome to see him like that.  It was fun to see my Dominant in such a lighthearted manner.  It was also fun to tease him about it.  Little thing.

So while I didn’t get the evening I thought I would, I had such a wonderful time last night.  Seeing D be silly and being able to be quietly supportive at his side, was one of those little things that shouldn’t be taken for granted or forgotten about in the crazy of our lives.

Thank you Sir.

 

Check Mate

“I’m amused that he is training you in the “way” you want to be trained.” This is a message to me from my former Master about my current Dom.

My initial reaction was that yes he is, but that’s not why he is training me that way.  But I did have to give it some time to settle and evaluate in my mind.  I talked to a dear friend of mine about it who new former and myself together.  And she asked me a very worthwhile question.  Aren’t you supposed to find a Dom (or sub) that meshes with you?   Isn’t that what I “shopped” for?

The answer was a resoundingly clear, Yes!  I searched for two years to find someone that would understand me, push me, hold me accountable, get me better than I could know myself.  Someone that had a fun side to his sensual sadistic side. Someone that understood what D/s was to me and just how much BDSM was wanted.  Someone who wanted the same things in a relationship.

Today I mentioned the whole thing to D and I loved his response.  “Could it possibly be that the way you want trained matches the way I want to be served?”  (Yes! Yes! Yes! )

He went on to say ” he doesn’t understand that you and I match…that the things I want are in you and that your training further brings you to where I want you to be, and at the same time it is where YOU want to be.”

And this is exactly why I chose D from all those others that contacted me, met me and even went on a few dates.  He gets me, he knows me better than I know myself,  he understood me from the beginning.

So former may have wanted me to question things or create doubt, but all it did was confirm for me that I am with the right person now.  I’m thankful for the question and happy my initial response was so right on – logical and focused.  I’m even more grateful for D, who had the perfect response.  Check Mate.

 

 

Chaos… meet Peace

chaos

Peace and chaos seem to run hand in hand…

A relaxing Friday, lunch with loved ones and then accomplishing my reading goals, I settled in for a discussion with D.  It turned into chaos…… with me misunderstanding his intentions and he reading into something I said as a negative and complaint.  In circles we went, trying to explain ourselves another way.  All via text.

He hates to talk on phone but I could only take so much.  I called him as I went out for my nightly walk. I asked him to please just listen. I debunked what he thought I was expressing and he kept trying to get me to understand how the words hurt him.  I didn’t understand because they weren’t hurtful. It was that we have varying viewpoints on some topics and that hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do.  We talked it out.  He finally got me to understand why the words hurt.

He said that if I’m saying to him, that I need more from him, then it hurts him.  Because as my Dom and Owner, he provides for my needs. So when I’m expressing needing something, it is saying that he isn’t providing for my needs or my needs aren’t being met. And therefore, he isn’t doing a good job at providing. If he isn’t doing his job, he feels bad and thus hurt.

OMG, I never understood this before.  Talk about a powerful conversation.  It made complete sense to me and I’m so grateful he was able to communicate that to me.  As a sub, I realize I feel the same type of hurt when my Dom says he is stressed or needs to get things done, and there is nothing I can do about it.  I’m not saying he hurt me, but that I’m hurt.  There is a difference.  I wasn’t hearing that in the conversation.

Unfortunately the conversation was so deep and intense and D stayed up too late to be able to get to me early in the morning to go on a planned tour with me.  I was disgruntled to go alone, tho I knew early hour would be too much for him.  I was also annoyed that he hadn’t made it to my house by time I got home. In fact he left his at the time I arrived home.  He sent a note with how and where I should be waiting when he arrived.  I saw them and was hesitating to respond.  Then I did and a little happiness settled back in.

When he arrived and came into my room, I was waiting as expected.  He leaned down and kissed the back of my neck and all the chaos melted away and such peace came over me.

The next few hours were intense and desperately needed for both of us. I could not believe that all frustration, disgruntlement and hesitation melted away in one single moment and simple act.

The rest of the evening was in pure joy and happiness.  We enjoyed a great dinner out and then game time with friends. Even now, 2 days later, I feel contentment and peace in knowing what his feelings are about, what drives him, what matters and that even among the chaos, there is always peace to be found in each other’s arms.