My submission is as a pleasure slave for a Master or Dominant. This has evolved from sub curious to D/s to M/s to understanding my slave heart to be that of a pleasure slave. However, it is very scary to tell someone that you are a pleasure slave so in talking to potential Dom’s I start off with being a sub and see where the conversations lead. I’ve only had one Master pull this out in me and he still can. While we cannot be in a relationship because other facets of needs/desires just clash, this one part meshes well.
When I’m expressing my submission, it is like the world melts away and I’m at one with myself and my partner. I’m not afraid of anything and I’m so at peace. There is strong contentment and nothing else matters. I’m in the moment. I’m free. I’m ME!
Like all young kids, we gradually feel sexual sparks long before we know what they are or what they mean. I remember being 5 or 6 and finding my mom’s Joy of Sex book. I could read and I remember reading the captions under the pictures. I don’t really remember what I read or what it sparked in me but I remember sneaking a peek at the book in mom’s room multiple times.
Fast forward to age 12, when I was hearing about sex from kids a few years older. I realize now they really weren’t knowledgeable and were likely playing whisper down the lane or had seen some porn in print or on video before. Anyway, I found myself curious as any pre-teen would be. My mom worked nights at the time and I watched my sister. She usually fell asleep before me and I would go turn on the adult channel on our cable package. The porn depicted then was either bad or overly flowery. One sticks in my mind…. it was a film about some sort of abduction and using force and control over their victim. I have no clue of the movie or any real details except the ending…. the abductor was about to rape the girl bound to a bed and he had a rifle. He was threatening her with it by aiming it at her pussy. Suddenly the screen goes black and a boom is heard (like a shot). That was it…. you didn’t actually see anything – no rape or anything else. You were left to wonder did he carry forth with his threat of the rifle or did he rape her. I don’t know why that sticks so clearly in my memory.
After that, I realized I thought differently about sex and guys. I wanted that guy to be chivalrous, manly, in charge. My friends however wanted to rule the relationships and hen peck their boyfriends. To fit in, I followed along. I learned how to lord over and control things. What I didn’t understand is that I was burying something very real and wonderful in me. My submissiveness.
Throughout my teens I read a lot of romance novels, found myself drawn to the more historical romance, where the man was in charge and took what he wanted yet protected his woman. I led myself to believe I liked the romance of it, what I really liked was the control of it. I kept reading romance novels, both historical and contemporary. I was drawn to those that were victims in the contemporary romance books – the hero saves the girl and they have amazing sex and fall in love. Yet I still found the historical Lord and lady type more my style.
Sometime in my 20s I came across The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty and I began to understand more about me and my viewpoints on relationships and sexuality.
By this time I was married to my college sweetheart. Our relationship was very vanilla and my submission never came out. I was actually the dominant one in the marriage. And resented it. I wanted him to take control, but he never did. I tried to get him to take some control in the bedroom and he’d try but a minute in…. he would slip back into his normal sex mode and he’d be blissfully relaxed 15 mins. later. I’d be lying there and needing more but didn’t know what that was.
Then one evening, a friend of mine and I were out for drinks. Our conversation led to both of us revealing me as a sub and he being a Dom. And thus my journey as a submissive began.
Where I am now….
Reinventing myself. That’s where I am now in a snapshot. For me, this means I’m growing, I’m hopeful and looking forward to what lies ahead.
I still look back and that does bring some sadness with it. I’m healing. It also brings with it a great deal of understanding and in its own rights, wisdom.
I’ve spent time looking at my submission, what it looked like, what it became, what I want and need from it in the future and where I’d like to grow in it. I’ll share more as I build this blog.
I’ve also spent time reconnecting with family and friends, with hobbies I enjoy and with Spring here, its time to get out and bloom. I’m planning to go for my Master’s degree and this has been something of an exciting new thing to focus on.
As for dating or “shopping for a new Dom”, I’m wading out into the waters. I’m slowly updating profiles and talking to people. I’m cautious and vulnerable and yet strong in my determination to find the right one for me.
So yes Reinvention is where I am now.
The Dom I seek is mentally strong, in control of himself and yet very caring, fair and understanding. He be open, honest, communicative in a very transparent manner. He would want to know me better than I know myself. He would want me part of his life as much as he wishes me to make him part of mine. He would want me to make decisions for myself, he would want me to be a successful person. He would provide guidance and discipline if needed.
I am in turn loyal and dedicated. His obedient pleasure slave. This is so much more than in the bedroom – it is by providing pleasure in everyday things, by being obedient and in service to Him in ways that provide Him pleasure.