There is always the thought that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and that my parents had elements of kink interests, or the fact that my mom has submissive traits (ok more of a switch) or that my dad needed women in his life and cheated on them. There is also the thought maybe it stems from being molested as a child. No matter where it stems from, it is just me. Its at my core.
A large part of it is likely to stem from the fact I was more of an adult as a child. I was going to the local laundromat at age 8 doing the family laundry. I was grocery shopping at age 9. I was responsible for getting my own education – homework, projects, getting self up and off to school. In high school, I was responsible for my own clothes, school supplies and transportation to and from. I started working at age 13. While there was structure, there wasn’t supportive structure in my family. I’m also not like my mom or sister and didn’t fit in.
I’ve always found rules and boundaries to be comforting. So I had to set my own. These came out in the form of lists, emulating others that I felt did these things (mainly tv personalities) and I found that I drew a picture of what women should be from it. Thus an intimidation developed of aggressive, loud, confrontational women. Knowing what was expected of me, what respect was to be given and received in return provides me comfort. In the workplace, I’m fine, in school I am fine, in social settings I am okay. In surprise elements, I’m terribly nervous and bumble over myself. In situations that seem overwhelming, I retreat and feel invisible sometimes. I don’t know how to be.
I’m much more comfortable these days with all of the above. I still have moments, but I’m more aware and unless it is something that triggers me to fight or flight mode then I have good control over myself.