BDSM plays a large part within a D/s dynamic for me. It is really hard to put this into words. I don’t need the toys and elements of BDSM. I’m going to take this by each letter and break it down.
B – Bondage… Mental bondage is far more powerful. Having your Dom tell you to keep your hands over your head or behind your back no matter what – requires a lot of focus and awareness of the moment. It takes you out of who you think you are into who you are in that moment.
D – Discipline…to date it has not really been a regular part of my submission. My former Master would spank me here and there during sex, but not as part of any kind of punishment. One time tho, I was really feeling off kilter and let him know. I was feeling snarky and bitchy. After talking about it and not being able to identify what was the root of it, he leaned me over my desk and spanked me. I cried buckets but felt so much better after that. However, he never did that again and I craved it when I didn’t feel myself. Another part of that is that I do not enjoy sting in any way. So for me there is no pleasure in harsh spankings unless it is the arousing slaps here and there. Heavy spanking would need to be as a punishment or as a discipline to keep me centered. One thing that I do find enjoyable is being flogged with a thuddy flogger (wide strips – heavy) and being played on rhythmically with drumsticks. Having some of this whether it is through spanking or even verbal discipline is needed. How would I know if I’m not doing something right, or how to improve upon myself if guidance and discipline is not part of my dynamic.
DS – Dominance/submission… this is what I seek the most. It is such a part of my core.
SM – Sadism/masochism… I like sex. I like rough sex. I like being willfully taken by my partner at his whim. I’ve also learned that I do well with humiliation and degradation within sexual acts. I am a pleasure slave. I am an emotional and sexual masochist.
Structure, rules, limits – I need them. It is as simple as that. Without them, I feel insecure. I do not wish to be micromanaged, but freedom within structured boundaries is definitely what works for me. Knowing what I am free to do with or without permissions provides me a guideline. Having limits or rules about things keeps me aware that my choices affect others. There is a lot of freedom in that. So I welcome them. In the past I had rules about no playing with myself without permission, needing permission to attend any lifestyle related activity, rules of wearing dresses and heels to work always with no underwear. Those things helped me be aware of who owned me, that I was safe because not every decision was my own.
On my knees is probably the one position that gets me in the frame of mind needed. However, being a pleasure slave, being on my knees sucking cock is the most submissive position for me. I’m solely focused on his pleasure, I’m centered. My former used to have me suck his cock when I was upset, angry or having any negative reaction (when possible of course) and it would shut me up, focus me, pacify me and center me.
Taking a deep look at my submission and understanding myself and how I view things, I’m learning what fits.