Needing to stand firm

Yesterday I posted a poem that I entitled Brave.  Little did I know just how Brave I was going to need to be yesterday.

He contacted me…. demanding of me… said many hurtful things. He ripped old scars open. He tried emotional manipulations. He tried to hurt me. Then called me the martyr when I said that I was tired of hurting.  I would remember the good and I’d always care for him.  He went on and on.

But I stood firm.  I stood Brave.

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Brave

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You call on me
You demand too much
You push too deep
Your words do crush

I don’t deserve to hurt
I am worthy of being loved
I complied with what you chose me to learn
I can’t take the back and forth shove

Standing up for myself
Expecting respect and love

You said goodbye too many times
You expected me to comply

I accepted and made my peace
I didn’t let you convince me otherwise
Your manipulations didn’t appease
Undone the bonded heart’s ties

I worked to start anew
I mended the shattered heart
I cherish all I learned from you
I value the love we shared

The ebb and flow of a wave
The journey we once took
I find I stand here brave
As I avoid once more your hook

 

 

 

 

You belong to me

Erotic, beautiful and very honest.

boundbypleasure

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You belong to me… here and there
You belong to me…everywhere

You belong to me …now and then
You belong to me…wish I when

You belong to me …. night and day
You belong to me… in every way

You belong to me… in every breath you take
You belong to me… in every move you make

You belong to me… in your devil and saint.
You belong to me… in every color you paint

You belong to me…in what  I see
You belong to me… In what you wish to be

You belong to me… In parts and whole
You belong to me… In your body and soul

You belong to me !!! You belong to me !!! You belong to me !!!

© themysticdom 2014

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Shopping… a better word for dating these days

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Shopping is my term for this online dating or “seeing what’s out there” in the world we live in.   I coined the term when my Dom at the time would begin to spend his free time online at sites like CM or Fet and just peruse the boards.  He hated the phrase because I indicated that I felt he was searching for another sub to join the family.  The reality is he was always keeping his eyes open in case he came across someone that would mesh.

So being a single sub and feeling ready to get out there, having never done the online dating thing or the search for Mr. Right before, Yes I’ve had boyfriends and even married one of them, I’ve also had a Dom but they all were friends first.  Our friendship turned into dating or being in service to.  This was a whole new market for me. Thus I found myself “shopping” for a Dom.

What sites to post on, what to reveal about myself, what to look for, what to expect from communications, how fast to move, what about pics?  Oh my, the questions went on.   It is overwhelming to say the least.  But like shopping for new clothes or shoes, you have the opportunity to see the merchandise and try on what you like. No commitments and nothing lost if it doesn’t fit you.

So using that mindset, I looked over a few sites I was already on, read some message boards, looked over profiles of friends and started to think about my shopping list.  What was I really looking for, what was I ready to give and how did those connect.  Then I updated my profiles and set my search criteria on those sites.  Then I spent time reading (a lot of time reading) profiles and then I’d get messages from those that have seen my profile. I’d chat with them and ask questions, I’d answer some about myself and we’d determine fairly quickly if there was anything to go on to the “next step”.  Usually means, IM’ing to converse without the commitment or risk of sharing my name and number.

The humor is this is almost the same thing when you are buying an important appliance for your home, you check out the consumer affairs, testimonials, etc.  You ask the store clerk questions.  You look for what you want and you don’t settle until it feels right. You shop.

Shopping is my word for dating these days in the online world we have all adapted to. Is it the best way, I’m not sure. But I know I get to meet people at my own pace and I don’t feel pressured to make a purchase (commit to anyone).  My advice is take your time, know what you want and search it out.

Happy Shopping!

 

Saying Goodbye

A  step in the direction of my new journey.        Image

It was hard as hell to say goodbye to him the first time. I lost so much that day, my Dom, my lover, my best friend and my business partner.  I walked away from it all because I was shattered. Shattered by a lie, shattered by loving someone so deeply who took everything I had to give but only gave what he wanted to give. Shattered by his indifference to it all and shattered by his expectation that I would take the blame and be the one who hurt another with a lie.

He never quite says goodbye…..  I guess because we had been friends and partners before I became His.  There was stuff to deal with about the business and hard to let go of the past. That always led to a mixture of emotions, but I could never stop submitting to him.  He was my first Dom and I loved him deeply.  I was devoted and loyal to him.  How can you flip that switch off?

The reality is you can’t…. you don’t….. you have to heal from the hurt.  You have to find your new path. Sometimes that path will intersect with his….  do what feels right in that moment.  If you slip backwards, you probably needed it.  You will slowly inch forward.

Then one day you just decide no matter how hard or painful it is to say goodbye it is for the best.  The love is still there, tho not as intense and the caring for someone who was your everything doesn’t go away but it does shift.  It is better to love and care than it is to grow hatred for someone who will never be able to be what you need.

So you will have to say goodbye again, and this time while it is hard, there is a peace in it that lets you know it was time, it was the right choice and now you can move onto your own path forward.

This goodbye doesn’t mean a forever thing, paths may cross or run parallel again, it doesn’t mean you haven’t grown or that you’ll slip backwards. This time it will be about the love and respect you once had for one another.  Honor and cherish that.  Loyalty and devotion don’t have to go away, it just changes shape.

Healing

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Buried under so much stress

i can’t think, hurts to feel

One touch, one caress

You care, You make me feel

 

How is it that You reach into my soul?

How can You hurt me and heal me at the same time?

How can You say words that sound so bad yet

feel so right?

 

my heart aches for comfort yet i long for harsh use

For Your marks, for the deep reminders of where i belong

my mind aches for reassurances yet i know, can feel You

Everything is alright in a world that pushes to be so wrong

 

Why do You care?

Why are You there?

Why do You see through me?

 

It doesn’t matter because You do

i matter because of me

i matter because of You

All that matters is W/we

 

With You, i know i belong

Buried under so much stress

You bring calmness to my mind

Even if just for a few short moments

 

Your arms provide strength

Your embrace provides warmth

Your heart provides security

Your words provide truth

Your eyes provide comfort

Your soul provides love

 

Too much stress

Too many thoughts

Too many decisions

You cut to my core

You make me feel

You help me heal

 

 

Poll

What Fits…

ImageBDSM plays a large part within a D/s dynamic for me. It is really hard to put this into words. I don’t need the toys and elements of BDSM. I’m going to take this by each letter and break it down.

B – Bondage… Mental bondage is far more powerful. Having your Dom tell you to keep your hands over your head or behind your back no matter what – requires a lot of focus and awareness of the moment. It takes you out of who you think you are into who you are in that moment.

D – Discipline…to date it has not really been a regular part of my submission. My former Master would spank me here and there during sex, but not as part of any kind of punishment. One time tho, I was really feeling off kilter and let him know. I was feeling snarky and bitchy. After talking about it and not being able to identify what was the root of it, he leaned me over my desk and spanked me. I cried buckets but felt so much better after that. However, he never did that again and I craved it when I didn’t feel myself. Another part of that is that I do not enjoy sting in any way. So for me there is no pleasure in harsh spankings unless it is the arousing slaps here and there. Heavy spanking would need to be as a punishment or as a discipline to keep me centered. One thing that I do find enjoyable is being flogged with a thuddy flogger (wide strips – heavy) and being played on rhythmically with drumsticks. Having some of this whether it is through spanking or even verbal discipline is needed. How would I know if I’m not doing something right, or how to improve upon myself if guidance and discipline is not part of my dynamic.

DS – Dominance/submission… this is what I seek the most. It is such a part of my core.

SM – Sadism/masochism… I like sex. I like rough sex. I like being willfully taken by my partner at his whim. I’ve also learned that I do well with humiliation and degradation within sexual acts. I am a pleasure slave. I am an emotional and sexual masochist.

Structure, rules, limits – I need them. It is as simple as that. Without them, I feel insecure. I do not wish to be micromanaged, but freedom within structured boundaries is definitely what works for me. Knowing what I am free to do with or without permissions provides me a guideline. Having limits or rules about things keeps me aware that my choices affect others. There is a lot of freedom in that. So I welcome them. In the past I had rules about no playing with myself without permission, needing permission to attend any lifestyle related activity, rules of wearing dresses and heels to work always with no underwear. Those things helped me be aware of who owned me, that I was safe because not every decision was my own.

On my knees is probably the one position that gets me in the frame of mind needed. However, being a pleasure slave, being on my knees sucking cock is the most submissive position for me. I’m solely focused on his pleasure, I’m centered. My former used to have me suck his cock when I was upset, angry or having any negative reaction (when possible of course) and it would shut me up, focus me, pacify me and center me.

Taking a deep look at my submission and understanding myself and how I view things, I’m learning what fits.

The Roots

There is always the thought that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree and that my parents had elements of kink interests, or the fact that my mom has submissive traits (ok more of a switch) or that my dad needed women in his life and cheated on them. There is also the thought maybe it stems from being molested as a child. No matter where it stems from, it is just me. Its at my core.

A large part of it is likely to stem from the fact I was more of an adult as a child. I was going to the local laundromat at age 8 doing the family laundry. I was grocery shopping at age 9. I was responsible for getting my own education – homework, projects, getting self up and off to school. In high school, I was responsible for my own clothes, school supplies and transportation to and from. I started working at age 13. While there was structure, there wasn’t supportive structure in my family. I’m also not like my mom or sister and didn’t fit in.

I’ve always found rules and boundaries to be comforting. So I had to set my own. These came out in the form of lists, emulating others that I felt did these things (mainly tv personalities) and I found that I drew a picture of what women should be from it. Thus an intimidation developed of aggressive, loud, confrontational women. Knowing what was expected of me, what respect was to be given and received in return provides me comfort. In the workplace, I’m fine, in school I am fine, in social settings I am okay. In surprise elements, I’m terribly nervous and bumble over myself. In situations that seem overwhelming, I retreat and feel invisible sometimes. I don’t know how to be.

I’m much more comfortable these days with all of the above. I still have moments, but I’m more aware and unless it is something that triggers me to fight or flight mode then I have good control over myself.